Wednesday, May 5, 2010


"Progess" is defined in the dictionary as an "advance or development toward a better, more complete, or more modern condition", in other words, it means "shit getting better over time". But is that always true? There are compelling, yet sexy arguments for both sides. Take cars for instance; when they first invented, they were steam powered and you had to crank the engine to get it started. That always backfired and a lot of people ended up having their arms broken due to the crank flying back and smashing the shit out of their arm. What do we have today? Thanks for progress, we have cars that start with a push of a button, calls an ambulance when you've gotten into a wreck and runs on happy thoughts. On the other hand, we have STDs; in the middle ages if I were to bone without a condom, I'd just have to worry about my penis touching a hairy sweaty cooter. Now I have to worry AIDS and child support (and yes, child support is an STD). Progess - good or bad? Fisty and Cocoa go old school on this one.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I'm all for moving forward as a civilization, but progress just isn't always that great of a thing. A good example is to look at women. Now hear me out, I'm not talking about hotness here, saying that I would plow a chick from 1825 before I'd plow a chick from today. I was never alive back then, though, but I'm nostalgic for the old days – days when women couldn't even dream about being able to vote, had to put out regularly, cook you a hearty dinner every evening, children were plentiful and did all your work for you, slavery was legal and rampant, and it was acceptable for men to wear tights and gay wigs and not appear as a transvestite. Ah, the good ol' days.

Granted, women can shave nowadays, but, on the other hand, now they can speak up for themselves and not take shit from any dude. This causes me a lot of problems when I'm beating my girlfriend. Back in the olden days, when a woman didn't have your Fruity Pebbles (or whatever the awesome cereal was around back then) ready when you got up, then you were within your rights to beat her and giggle like a school girl throughout the entire act. She would get your breakfast ready and then give you a mighty hand job. Men were even expected to beat their wives. If someone's wife talked out of line, you could say to them, "Sir, your wife forgets herself!" and then he could publicly beat her. Now you can't lay a finger on (let alone, in) a woman.

The suckiness of progress doesn't even stop with women. I'm cheap as hell and everything was much cheaper back in the day. You could get a Coke and a Snickers and literally only spend a dime. Now you'll be spending over $3.00. I'm no math wiz, but I'm going to guess that that's about a 3000% increase and that is unacceptable. The olden days are where it's at. Burgers for 15 cents? You bet your ass. Nail the classiest of prostitutes for the change I find under the couch cushions? You can count on it. Hell, in the old days, prostitutes were to stupid that when they got STDs, they tried to cure them with mercury, which promptly killed them. It was great - you always knew that prostitutes were young and clean, because they literally killed themselves if they weren't. $850 for a brand new car? Damn right. You'd be lucky if you can find a car with a working transmission for double that price these days.

No one cared about kids back in the day, and that's just the way I like it. Everything nowaday is child safety this and child safety that. Child safety locks, child safety seats, child safety condoms and everything else that you can think of. Babies are coddled like no other. Child seats in the car until they're 4 feet tall? Really? I sat on my mom's lap in the front seat of a pickup with no seat belt until I was 15 and I turned out just fine. If the car's on fire, the child seat will do more harm than good. And if you crash a car with a kid in it, you better hope that the car does catch fire. At stores, they always have recall notices for things. 90% of them are toys and they're recalled for moronic reasons, like lead paint. Lead? C'mon now! As a kid I played with Creepy Crawlers which came with molds that were made from solid lead. The other shit that's recalled are things that kids can choke on. If a kid is stupid enough to eat lead paint or choke on Legos, they deserve to die. If you ask me, it's survival of the fittest.

Progress doesn't suck only because of the children either, I hate old people as well. Thanks to the progress of modern medicine, the avereage lifespan is 80-years-old, and some people even live to be over 100! That's waaay too long. Back in the pilgrim days, people were lucky to live past 40 and most of the children died from the mumps before they even hit 10. That is just awesome. The manliest of children lived and they died before they became useless old people. Now everyone lives, even diabetics and retards! People live far beyond their expiration date and are destined to end up filling Wal-Marts and nursing homes with their depressing and decrepit asses. Fuck progress.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Fuck that. Progress is the best thing ever. I'm not a vaginal historian, but I suffice it safe to say that it wasn't commonplace for women to shave until the last couple decades. I've seen old pornos, and a bush seemed to be the thing to have. I can't stand it when a girl even has a landing strip, so to me, the fact that my grandkids will likely have cancer at age 30 seems like a small price to pay for progress.

Sure, women can vote now, but along with the right to vote, they've also gotten the ability to work at almost any job they choose. While on first glance, that might seem fucked up that they should be allowed out of the kitchen, keep in mind that when a woman works, she also earns income. And your income, plus 75% more, equals more vacations and a nicer home. Plus, you probably have lazy kids, so if you're a man, you can beat them into doing an hour or two of work around the house everyday, and all your wife's housework is done. How many batches of cookies do you need done while you're at work? Might as well have her out making money instead of sitting around home watching Lifetime all day.

Young hipsters complain about progress because of global warming, overcrowding, the rampant occurrence of identity theft, and all kinds of other things you'd read about in Mother Jones. The internet may be a main cause of the rise in statutory rape, identity theft, and carpal tunnel, but it's also become a larger depository for porn than anyone could ever imagine. So sure, my credit card number might get stolen now and then, but I can call a bank and have all that taken care of in a jiffy. You know how much I'd have to pay if I were to monetarily obtain all the porn that I have? Having my personal info at risk of being stolen is more than worth the amount of times I've beaten off to online porn. If I weren't getting this porn for free to beat off to, I'd be cheating a lot more than I already do, and that's almost scary to think about.

Aww, but the increase in internet and text usage decreases the amount of face-to-face interaction we're having with our peers. Yeah? Well, fuck my neighbor and my family. If it weren't for being able to text or Facebook, and instead I had to call a random broad out of nowhere, I wouldn't get laid nearly as often as I do. These technological advancements make it so much easier to stay in touch with women, and get a hold of them in so many less creepy ways. Up until even the late '90s/early 2000s, to call a chick, you'd have to wait for everyone else in the house to get off the phone, then call the girl and hope that nobody at her house was on the phone. Even worse, if you were calling up a girl you hadn't talked to in a couple of years, it would an awkward-assed phone call. You'd have to wait for her to remember who you are, explain that you're not a loser anymore, and try to convince her to meet up with you somewhere. With Facebook, you can just add her as a friend, make sure she sees all the pictures of you with hot girls so she realizes you're desirable, and then she'll send you a message, wanting to meet up. No awkward phone calls, no trying to track down friends who still have her phone number. Hell, Facebook even suggests broads for you to befriend who you've probably forgotten about since you graduated. You can use Facebook to see if a girl's married (not like it matters, but it lets you know how sneaky you have to be), to see if she has kids, or even to see where she works.

Fisty's Retort:
The internet may be awesome for online porn, but it does give women a lot of information on how to stand up for themselves and how to discover if I'm cheating on them or not. This does not spell out good news for me. With all of this information online not only can she check my browser history and find out that I've been checking out asian midget porn, but I've also been hitting on chicks on Facebook and such. Then she goes and reads all these posts in various women's forums about tips to be more assertive and to determine if I'm cheating on her. This means that she'll be more of a bitch and will trust me even less. I'll tell her to go back to the kitchen, but she'll just be a bitch and cock-block me that night. Yeah, it's a sad day when your wife cock-blocks you, leaving you no chance of nailing a random girl that night. Feminist bitch.

Indeed, young hipsters whine global warming, overcrowding, and identity theft, and you know what? That's annoying as fuck. I don't care about any of that. I hate turning on the TV or my AM radio and hearing about how we all have to drive a Prius, recycle, get Life-Lock, and adopt a foreign kid. The olden days were filled with people like me, people who couldn't care less. Global warming? Hell yeah! More time at the beach! Identity theft? It's impossible to steal my incredibly good looks. Foreign kids? It's not my fault their country sucks. People are too worried and care too much these days. I don't know what happened, but everyone is far too sensitive. Can't call people in wheels or from Texas a retard. Can't drive an SUV. Can't burn down a black church. People these days need to just relax and stop their bitching.

The fact that people choose to use Facebook to contact people may seem cool at first glance, but you have to look at the negative aspect. Of course, I can send a message to a girl on Facebook to get laid, but I can get laid easier asking the cashier at Burger King, "Hey there, mind if my penis plays hide-and-seek with your vagina?". And yes, Facebook may suggest broads for you, but for every one hot chick, there's a quarter-million ugly chicks and douchey dudes who take pictures in front of the mirror with their camera phone. I say fuck it, and go scrounge for hot chicks on my own in real life. I don't have to deal with a slow Facebook loading page, go through one-hundred suggestions, find one hot chick who hasn't been online for six months, wait two weeks for her to add me, send her a message, creep her out and then hope I can nail her. Too much work. Fuck that.

Cocoa's Retort:
I'm fine with all the burdens of modern life. I have no problems paying my phone bill and having to shell out lots of money for technological shit. Because nowadays, I can take a hot shower whenever the fuck I want to. The girl I'm banging uses all kinds of lotions to make her skin super smooth. And fuck, if my girlfriend gets pregnant, I can just slip her a pill and she'll have an abortion.

Look at music now. Did people in the bronze age get to rock out to Powerman 5000 and Rammstein? Fuck no. Even if I was alive in the early 20th century, the electric guitar hadn't even been invented yet, so how could I sit in my basement and shred? When I got drunk in the 1600s, I would have to sit in a pub in Boston and drink some gnarly warm beer with a bunch of fags wearing tights. Now, I can stumble down the road to a shitty bar with Chevelle blaring over the internet jukebox, eat a shit ton of popcorn, and beat all the high scores on the Megatouch.

Up until the last 100 years, there was no TV - not even radio! Everybody had kids by the time they were 20, and in their free time, they actually spent their free time with their family. But now, thanks to all this progress, I can stay single till I'm well into my 30s, and sit around and watch Always Sunny and kick ass at MarioKart all day. I'm not socially obligated to even have a child, much less spend time with one, and I could give a fuck less if a woman has a job or the right to vote, because I'm also not socially obligated to even have a woman in my life. I am perfectly free to drink with my buddies and skateboard as much as I want.

Fun Reading:
Women's progress statistics from 1960 - now
Is golf immune to racial progress?
A picture from the good old days

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