Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Babies vs. STDs

Babies and STDs have a lot in common. For instance, they both suck incredible amounts of ass. They both involve going to a genital-invading doctor more often than you would like to. And most of all, they are both the result of unprotected sex and will haunt you for the rest of your life. But if you had the choice between the two, which is the lesser of two evils?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
When a lot of guys bang random girls they worry about getting diseases. Diseases really never cross my mind. Maybe it's because I try to only nail girls who are fresh out of (or sometimes, still in) high school, or maybe it's because I don't know anyone (to my knowledge) with diseases so it doesn't seem like a real threat. Whatever the case, the only thing I actually worry about is whether or not I knocked her up. So when it comes to the fight between babies and STDs, STDs are far better.

I cannot stand baby pictures. Everyone seems like they just have to show me pictures of their disfigured baby. This is unacceptable. One of the best things about STDs are that no one will ever show you pictures of their herpes. And if they are the kind of person who would show you, chances are that they're homeless, and homeless people are easy to ignore. Everyone who has a baby seems to be incredibly proud and wants to show anyone and everyone what they've made by getting pounded without a condom. No overly excited jackass will ever show you pictures of the little gift they got from the pre-op tranny on the corner.

AIDS kicks ass. Not only does it kill half of Africa, but it also makes chicks skinny. Babies make chicks fat, loose, and saggy. Full of stretch marks, stretchy nipples and lost hopes and dreams. A chick with AIDS will look like a super model in no time. Time to break out that new bikini! Just make sure she doesn't go outside around flu season or she'll die within minutes. Or maybe, actually make her go outside if you're mad at her - it's your call. AIDS makes for an easy way to break up with a girl tear and headache-free (just so long as you don't exchange bodily fluids with her).

You can't get STDs from nailing a clean girl, but you sure as hell can knock her up. If I'm dating a girl who I know is clean, I don't have to worry about getting the clap from her. The only thing that I have to worry about is knocking her up. I usually have to either wear condoms or make sure that she's taking birth control responsibly (or getting abortions regularly), so STDs never even cross my mind. When she says those dreaded words "I'm late" I worry, even though girls say that they're late even if they start five minutes later than they did last month. If I'm nailing a clean girl, though, I never have a mild heart attack every month from thinking I've contracted HIV. It's pretty rad.

Babies are annoying constantly and grow up to be annoying people, while herpes annoys you and then goes away for a few years before it annoys you again. Herpes are like the grandchildren or nieces and nephews of the STD world, only popping up around holidays and birthdays to piss you off. I don't want any bad outcome of sex to outlast me. When I die, so do my STDs. Can you say the same thing about children? Unless I lock my children in the trunk and do a suicide drive off of a bridge, I can't take them to the grave with me. Why the hell would I want some little bastards that I made in the world after I die? When I kick the bucket, I want to leave behind only memories of my legendary awesomeness, not some stupid little kids.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I love to raw dog chicks. I love it very much, indeed. Using a condom is like watching Twister through a stained-glass window. It's something amazing that should be enjoyed in the best way possible, and wrapping your penis in a piece of latex is just not cool - it doesn't feel as good, and most importantly, your penis just doesn't smell like sex after you're done. When I bang a chick, I want to smell my dirty heroic penis for hours after. I want to bend down to untie my shoes at the end of the day and get a waft of that dried-up vagina musk all over my penis. However, the downside to this is - you guessed it - my arch enemy, STDs!

I'm far more worried about STDs than about babies. Babies are easy to get rid of - abortions are legal in many states, and there are many homebrew recipes to get rid of them when abortions aren't available. To me, I've never worried about knocking up a chick too much. Obviously, I take precautions (pulling out, anal, squirting mercury up the vagina with an oversized eyedropper), but I never worry about a girl being pregnant after I've humped her. Not even if she says she's worried.

My roommate bangs his girlfriend once a month - right after she's off her rag. Then he immediately freaks out and thinks she's pregnant and won't bang her again till she has her next period. He pulls out and she's on the pill, and yet he still worries. I couldn't spend my life living like that. Why bother worrying about a girl being pregnant? If she isn't pregnant, awesome! Fuck her some more. If she is pregnant, oh well. Schedule an abortion and while she's waiting to have it done, jizz inside her every chance you get, worry-free. Can't knock her up if she's already knocked up, can you?

One of the best things about having a baby instead of an STD is that having a baby doesn't ruin your sex life. It may ruin your life, but not necessarily your sex life. Sure, if you stop seeing the mother, you'll have to pay child support, but at least you can still raw dog lots of chicks. But when you get herpes, it's pretty hard to get chicks to want to blow you. Even if girls know you have a baby, they're still fine with blowing you. It's not like they'll get a baby from it. But if you have AIDS, that's a different story. In fact, girls think babies are cute, and they love it when a guy is good with kids. You go out in public with a stroller and a smile, and chicks will be clammoring over each other to make contact with your nuts. You strut the streets with a tube of Herpecin sticking out of your pocket, odds are, chicks will not want your balls.

Most of the girls that I bang are pro-abortion. I'm a very liberal person, and I hate talking to conservative chicks. I usually break them down, piss them off, and make them cry. That tends to greatly reduce my chances of being able to put my penis inside them. And with all my banging I've done, I've only had a couple pregnancies to worry about. Abortion took care of one of them, and the rest were miscarried. You knock a diabetic girl up, you can just take away her insulin for a couple days and she'll miscarry. If a diabetic girl has syphilis and you take away her insulin, she just goes blind and faints. Girl not diabetic, and doesn't have a natural miscarriage? Abort. Plain and simple. There are lots of ways to get rid of a baby. You can't abort herpes. Sadly, sadly, you can't abort herpes.

Fisty's Retort:
If I get the clap, that just requires a trip to the doctor and a prescription for some antibiotics. That's all that is required from the clap. Babies require food. Food gets expensive and even worse, unlike antibiotics which you just take either daily or weekly, babies have to be fed multiple times a day! How ridiculous is that?

Yes, if you knock a girl up you can get her to get an abortion, but believe it or not, some girls are anti-abortion. It boggles the mind, but some girls actually want to keep the baby of a dude who did her in the ass and cheated on her in the same day. Don't believe me? How many single mothers do you know? Exactly. Many anti-abortion groups are even headed by women, so what if you knocked one of them up? You'll knock up a chick who won't get an abortion, of course she's a bitch so she'll demand a lot of child support from you, and by the end of the day you'd take drip-dick in a heartbeat over the shit she puts you through.

Most STDs are curable. Only AIDS and the herp aren't. If you're white, chances are low that you'll get AIDS, and meds can make herpes seem like a distant memory. What about babies? If the chick actually gives birth, that's something that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Until the kid is 18, you'll be paying child support up the ass, not to mention getting nasty phone calls and visits from lawyers when you don't pay. Not only that, but you'll be expected to occassionally see the kid. You'll get the kid on weekends. Well, good-bye weekends. Kiss you social life good-bye. Sure, you can pump the kid full of meds until it keels over and dies, but sadly that's illegal. It's not illegal, however, to do the same with an STD.

What kind of mother would still give birth to a baby even though she knows it will be raised poor, and without a father? Do you really want your child being raised by a woman who would do that to a kid? It will seriously mess that kid up. Granted, kids suck, but that's your kid carrying your genes being raised by some moronic, high school drop-out bitch. You may not ever see the kid, but wouldn't you take comfort in the fact that a doctor and a lawyer are raising your kid instead of a single, unemployed loser who pawns the kid off on her mother? How would that make you feel? Now, if you gave her herpes instead and she then gave the herpes to her mom, wouldn't that fill you with joy instead of anger associated with a baby?

And so what if you "can't raw dog any girl you want"? If a girl is dumb enough to get boned without protection, doesn't she deserve an STD? I sure as fuck wouldn't feel bad spreading it. If I had an STD (which I don't) and I picked up some random girl at a club somewhere and nailed her in the bathroom and she doesn't feel it necessary to know my name or ask if I have a condom, I won't shed a tear if her crotch had a bad case of the itch. It's her fault she's stupid and let a mysterious dude go in unprotected.

Cocoa's Retort:
Babies may have their fair share of downfalls, but at least I can get rid of it for the the night. I can't stop by mom's house and drop my herpes off for the night so I can hit up the bar without scratching my sores. I can pawn my baby off on a number of people/places, and it can be out of sight and out of mind, and nobody I randomly sleep with at the end of the night has to know I have it. I can't pay 60 bucks a day to drop my AIDS off at a daycare facility and play with it all day. Well, I'm sure I could get girls to play with my AIDS, but I'm sure it would cost much more than 60 bucks a day.

And speaking of money, if you play your cards right, a baby can actually make you money. For the unclassy, there is Welfare, or adoption. For the high roller, there is always knocking up a rich chick, then proving to a court that she is insane and incapable of raising a child, then she has to pay you child support. This can easily be done with a few well-planted bottles of prescription pills and/or some forged love letters from a Venezuelan man named Sergio.

A baby is nice because you have a really long waiting period before you decide you actually want to have it. I can't get herpes, then take a few months to decide whether or not I want to throw my girlfriend down the stairs. Surely, if a girl gave me herpes, I'd throw her ass down an upward escalator, but as funny as it would be to watch, I'd still have herpes. Would a baby survive that? Fuck no.

And believe me, I sure as fuck don't want a baby, but how much damage to a guy does a baby really do? It's the girl who has to put up with the pregnancy, with the birthing, with the biting of her titties. I, on the other hand, might have to pay some child support if I'm unsuccessful in inducing a miscarriage on the Gravitron at the county fair. But if I don't come into contact with the kid for the first three years, I have a pretty good legal defense against having to pay child support. AIDS, on the other hand, well, would give me some weird rare infections and kill me. But since I wouldn't be able to freely raw dog any chick I want, then I might just as well be dead.

Fun Reading:
All you need to know about STDs
An awesome poster from WWII
"I'm 16 and having trouble getting pregnant" You're also stupid.

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