Thursday, March 4, 2010

Child Labor vs. Slave Labor

Both slave and child labor are pretty much hated by the entire world for unknown reasons. Why is there such ill will towards these hard workers? Slaves formed the backbone of America while children were upfront during the industrial revolution. This just shows that slave and child labor are both very helpful and very useful, despite their taboo. We at Man Debates dig doing shit the old-school way (with the exception of women grooming and porn), but we got stuck on whether we should use child labor or bring back slavery. We debated it out and documented it for your pleasure. Fisty! Cocoa! Go!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Kids aren't good for anything these days, so we need to make them good for something. As gay as it sounds, kids are the future. I care about my species and I don't want humanity to become a bunch of pussified morons. That's why child labor is the way to go. Not only is it efficient, but it also helps out the human race in the long run. Kids get everything handed to them and they still whine and cry. The children of this generation are selfish assholes who need to learn some responsibility. You know what happens when kids don't learn responsibility? You know the old creepy door greeter at Wal-Mart checking out all the 12-year-olds that come by? Yep, they'll be lucky if the pinnacle of their lives is being that guy.

Around the turn of the last century, kids knew responsibility and how to provide for their families. Parents had it made; after the dad got his legs blown off during the Spanish-American War, he just got to lay back while his five-year-old worked in the coal mines. The kids who worked in the coal mines grew up to be champions of human achievement. The reasoning is simple: working in the coal mines was a rough as fuck job. The weaker and more pansy kids died pretty quickly by being crushed to death or getting the black lung. Only the hardest working and truly manly survived. You know what those kids became? Nazi killers. You know what the kids of today will become? The people on Jersey Shore.

I honestly despise kids. When I see kids in public walking around and being useless, I think, "Why aren't you doing manual labor? Make me some Nikes or something, you lazy asshole". If a kid loses his arm making my shoes, I'll love those shoes and wear them everyday. I will be filled with joy knowing that a child was severely wounded while making something that my smelly-ass feet step in dog shit with. I'll show my friends and family, "Hey! Ya know little one arm Billy from down the road?! He lost his his little arm making these sweet sneakers!" I'll be the envy of the town.

I dig child labor because traditional American slavery just doesn't have enough staying power. Slavery was done away with back in the 1860's, while child labor kept kicking ass well into the 20th century, and it still prospers overseas. This is because the only people who liked slavery were a bunch of rednecks who proudly raised the confederate flag while raping their sisters. Rednecks can never do anything right; that's why the Confederacy lost and that's why slavery went down the shitter. Why support something that only rednecks support? If you support slave labor, you might as well support incest, moonshining, the bible being taught in public school, living in a trailer park, country music, not washing, and square dancing as well. Child labor, on the other hand, is loved and accepted by everyone worldwide.

On top of all that, I can kick a kid's ass, but I'll be damned if I could kick a slave's ass. I can whip a child into working, and I won't have to fear a bunch of kids getting up and starting a revolt. If they tried anything I could just take their toys away and punch them in the scrotum that doesn't even have anything in it yet. But with slaves? Fuck yeah, I'll have to worry! You have a bunch of black dudes (or Jews if you plan on building some pyramids or something) working outside constantly, lifting heavy shit and pretty much getting strong as hell. I'm a skinny white dude who doesn't own any guns. I wouldn't stand a chance.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
"Rome wasn't built in a day." Nor was it built by children. The greatest things ever built throughout history were built by slaves. Pyramids? Slaves built them. The Coliseum? Again, slaves. Greece? Slaves. For christ's sake, slaves even fought in the Civil War for the south! How fucking sweet is that? They are so damn awesome that they'll risk their lives to stay slaves. What do your kids do when you force them to do labor? That's right, they do your dishes and mow your lawn. Congratulations, you've turned your son into a Mexican.

Slaves are the way to go. With a kid, you have to spend years whipping his ass into shape. And then what? He does your bidding for a while, then he moves on. Though he may be manlier than bear pubes and will hopefully dominate his wife in every way possible, he still moves on. Slaves, though, they work forever. And you barely even have to train them. Either you own that slave's parents, or you won this slave in with a lucky hand of poker. Either way, he's getting broken in by someone else. So you save the training period, and you keep that fucker till the day he dies. What's even better - slaves make you new slaves! How much sweeter can that be? Can a slave go to the doctor and get on the pill? No. Can a slave buy condoms? No. Their only birth control options are pulling out and gutting a cat to use the intestines as a condom. They're making plenty of new field plows for you.

And how much work can a child really do? Slaves are big fellas. They're bred from long line of badasses. Slaves work all fucking day and get big and strong. Kids are short and weak. Sure they can make shit, but slaves are genetically engineered to have endurance. You pit a slave and a child against each other in a boxing ring, and who do you think is going to win? That's right, my slave will dominate your child, and not in the sexy way. Slaves do awesome shit all the time, like sing and dance. They don't bitch about their work - they just sing some old-ass work song, and they're fine. Kids, on the other hand, bitch all the time, then ask you why they're getting boners out of the blue.

On top of everything else, slaves are awesome because you know they'll never do anything to revolt. Let's face it, slaves are so used to slavery, they don't even give a shit anymore. Non-enslaved black people are more pissed about slavery than the slaves themselves were; they should just go back to being slaves, then they'd be happier. In the 1850s in South Carolina, for instance, there were many counties in which slaves accounted for 70% or more of the total population. Even if they only comprised 20% of the population, they were still big and strong enough that they could have led a hell of a revolt. But did they? Fuck no. Although they had a huge advantage and could easily have slaughtered their masters and their neighbors, they did nothing. I would have no fear of my slaves rebelling against me. Kids, on the other hand, listen to Marilyn Manson and watch MTV and are programmed to fight the man. I want my worker to be docile and complacent. Kids are wiley little twits and think rebellion is cool. Fuck them. I'm sticking with my slaves.

Fisty's Retort:
Everyday in the news I hear about the childhood obesity "epidemic". If we actually made kids go out and shovel some coal for 16 hours-on-end they may actually work off some of that fat. I go into Wal-Mart all the time and see a kid who looks like he'll have a heart attack by the time he's ten. It pisses me off. If that kid dies, then that's a waste of good and cheap labor. That morbidly obese kid could be making me some Transformers action figures to add to my collection. It saddens me to think about.

If we have kids work in sweat shops here and take all the jobs that no one else wants, then Mexicans will eventually stop coming over here. They won't be able to mow the lawn, clean sperm-soaked blankets from motels, and sell oranges on the sidewalk because all the five-year-olds will already be doing it. Eventually Mexicans won't be able to find anything worth a damn here and stop coming over.

Mothers would love child labor; having kids plow the fields, make shoes and dig up some snazzy coal in the mines. Times are tough these days and the fewer kids that come back alive, the less she has to cook. And let's be honest here, would you really want black people hanging around your house? At least when you have kids, you know that it'll only be more white people you'll have to be around.

Why do we force kids to make shit in China anyway? So we can save money by exploiting children? Exactly. China has been doing up child labor for years, and look at them. Everyone buys their products, they have a great economy, not to mention there's a lot of Asian chicks in China. Let's recap here: with child labor you get a great economy, trade networks with the world and Asian chicks. With slave labor you

Cocoa's Retort:
You go on making kids do your work...for ten years. Then when they're not kids anymore, you'll have to get new kids. I'll just stick with my slaves - they'll do my work work all day, then go back to their huts and bang and produce my new little slaves. Kids don't reproduce themselves. You have to create them, then you have to raise them. At least with slaves, you're perfectly within your rights to keep them out of your house. They do all your work for you, and you never even have to see them. Kids, however, have to sleep in your house. You have to buy food for them, and you have to take them to the doctor. If the slaves insist on coming into your house, you can just burn a cross on the lawn to keep them at bay. That sure as shit doesn't keep a child away from the house. I've tried.

Granted, if you own slaves, people are bound to call you weird things like "racist". That's an easy fix, however. Just run outside, bang one of your slaves, and bam! problem solved. Would a racist bang a black person? I think not...they may even compare you to Thomas Jefferson, one of the greatest Americans who've ever lived. If someone calls you a child abuser, can you go nail your son while he's sewing you a baseball mitt? Well, probably. But it would take a lot of lube and fingering first, and most likely there would be some bleeding. Way too much work to prove somebody wrong. If we've learned nothing else from the Catholics, we should at least have learned that kids are horrible creatures to have sex with. George Washington banged slaves, and did anyone care? Fuck no. He had slaves do all his work for him so he could spend his time doing more important shit, like winning a war and creating a country. Would he have been able to do all that if he had to boss some stupid-ass little kids around all day?

Fun Reading:

Child and slave labor + chocolate?
Americans fund slave labor
Kids making Nike shoes
A picture of hard working kids

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