Saturday, February 13, 2010

Girlfriends vs. Sluts

Introduction:

What's better than true love? Okay, a lot of things (Taco Bell, a new TV, genocide, world hunger), but is true love worth putting up with girlfriends? Getting a girlfriend is something every man will do, and most men will bang out a few sluts here and there, between (or, if you're really manly, during) girlfriends. Some men (most notably, rock stars) like to combine the two into one and date porn stars and strippers. However, most men opt for dating a woman who doesn't show off her twat to strangers for a dollar. So which one is better? Sluts or girlfriends? Our men debate it out, and you can decide.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I love sluts. Sluts are lonely, soulless people who aren't interesting enough to have anything to offer anyone, aside from sex. Sluts are well aware of the fact that the only way they'll get guys to pay any attention to them is to have sex with anyone who acknowledges their existence. Girlfriends, on the other hand, can be summed up in one word: Drama. Very few, if any, girls are compelling or smart enough to have anything that remotely fulfills them or entertains them. Ever find a girl with a kickass personality? Yeah, I haven't either. That's why I stick with sluts. I really don't care if they have a personality, and frankly, I prefer it if they don't talk to me at all. I can bone a slut and not say one word to her the entire time. It's a pretty sweet deal.

Granted, with a girlfriend you'll be able to bone a girl at home if you're having a dry spell, but is it worth it? Would you rather A.) Bang random girls and forget about them, or B.) Have the same old boring sex with your girlfriend for the first month or two until you get bored with her, then put up with her constant bitching and have her get pissed whenever you bang other girls? Girls are jealous as hell. It's annoying. If you bring any girl home with you, even if it's only for a quick blow job, prepare to put up with the bitching of a lifetime! They will not shut up. "How can you bring some girl home with you on my birthday/to my parent's funeral/to our hotel room on our anniversary!?" It never ends! You're a man, you don't need to put up with that.

A girlfriend wants a firm commitment right off the bat. You take her out on one date and she will be wondering where their wedding ring is. A slut doesn't need any kind of commitment, except for your penis's commitment to her vagina and rectum. Sure, she would like to have a relationship, but she's a slut and doesn't want to be tied down to one person either. Of course, a slut will be so happy that she'll piss herself if you do call her, but she won't get her hopes up. She's been a slut for long enough to know that you have no concern for what she has to say. The most a slut is going to expect from you is a text at two o'clock in the morning for a booty call.

Sluts don't make me do anything I don't want to do. I don't know about you, but I hate doing things that I hate doing. If you have a girlfriend, you'll be doing things you hate a whole hell of a lot! You hate seeing her parents? You'll be seeing her parents every fucking day. You hate her friends? You'll be spending more time with her friends than yours! You get where I'm going with this. If you say no just once, and want to actually do something fun, prepare for another helping of bitch. It's just not fucking worth it, man.

One girl cannot satisfy me. One girl can't satisfy any guy! This is why sluts are so great, because you avoid all of that drama that comes with girlfriends and cheating on them. Cheating is a must in any relationship. But it's a pain in the ass to cheat behind your girlfriend's back and cover all of your tracks. As awesome as cheating is, it's a huge hassle to do it and to pull it off correctly. It's far easier to take the girlfriend out of the equation. Just go out and stick it to some chick you met at a bar and never talk to her again. If she calls you, who cares? If people find out about you banging Sally while you're single, it's cool. However, if people find out that you've plowed Sally's anus while your girlfriend was away on a business trip (i.e. driving from the McDonald's she works at to another), then you'll have a problem. Your girlfriend will bitch up a storm, break up with you, destroy your PS3, and tell all her friends about your small penis. If you were just banging sluts without a girlfriend at home, you 'd be smooth sailing.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
No, man, girlfriends are actually pretty cool. For one, they already know what your favorite food is, so you don't have to waste your time telling them. And the less time you spend telling them about your taco preferences, the more time you can spend watching Modern Marvels. Check plus!

But of course, you have to cheat. Just because you have a girlfriend, that doesn't mean you can't go banging random chicks. You just have to be more careful about it. And since men will fuck just about anything (case in point: even fat chicks have kids), having a girlfriend and cheating on her is safer than just being a total manwhore. When you have a girlfriend, the girls you cheat with have to be pretty hot to be worth the potential consequences if you're caught. If you have an awesome girlfriend at home, it's hard to justify getting a blow job from that skank at the Nickelback concert. When an Eliza Dushku lookalike needs a tittyfuck, however, you can't help but say no. So having a girlfriend helps keep your standards higher than if you were completely single.

Girlfriends are great, but unfortunately, they're not perfect. If they were, they would be able to morph into other girls that look completely different and would be eager to do all the things they normally wouldn't. If your girlfriend were perfect, she'd like anal. She'd love the smell of spooge. And she'd love getting it on with any other girl you wanted to bring into bed. But you don't really want to date someone that slutty, do you? You don't wanna walk through Wal-Mart knowing that half the guys there have bruised your girlfriend's uterus. That's why you have a girlfriend who's cool and not slutty, and get your freaky fix off with somebody else. And besides, after you cum, what really matters is that you got off, not how freaky the sex was. So cheat and get your freaky fix now and then to get your mind off it, and live your life knowing that you're not being seen in public with a girl who everyone else in town has fucked.

And even when you're banging around with someone when you're not in a relationship, inevitably it will come up. You'll just get done throwing away the toilet paper you wiped your spooge off her neck with, and she'll say something along the lines of "where are we going with this?" A girlfriend can't ask that question or bring it up because she's already got the relationship. The chick you're banging around with will start to expect more and more, but if you get yourself a quality girlfriend, she'll be so happy that she's with you that she won't be bitching about stupid stuff like that. And if you have a girlfriend who bitches incessantly about nonsense, maybe it's time you get yourself another girlfriend.

Another boon about having a girlfriend is that her parents will cook you all kinds of food. Every time you go visit her parents (which shouldn't be very often, mind you), they'll be so happy that she's with such an amazing person that they'll cook you huge delicious dinners so that you stay with their daughter. That skank from the bar won't have her parents cook you dick.

Fisty's Retort:
A girl knowing what your favorite food is isn't a good enough reason to keep her around. You know what I do when I want my favorite food? I go to Taco Bell or order a pizza. Those are my favorite foods. You can easily avoid a girl pissing and moaning about you nailing her hot friend if you get delivery. You know what's great? You can watch Ax Men, order delivery, and be eating your favorite food and enjoying yourself.

Nowadays, a lot of girlfriends don't even cook anymore. This is completely unacceptable. Girls are on this feminism kick and think that men should cook for them, which is incredibly wrong and these women should be beaten for being so moronic. Fuck you! I'm not cooking for you! If I'm going to cook, I'm going to grill myself up some kick ass hamburgers. If you get a girlfriend, a lot of good it will do telling her your favorite food, because she'll make you cook her favorite, low-carb food, which more than likely tastes like (or even worse, is) tofu. I'm a man and have no idea what tofu tastes like, so I assume that it tastes like an old man's scrotum, which is a flavor that I can't even begin to imagine.

If you have a girlfriend, you'll spend all day having to take notes after everything she says. If you forget one special date (such as her cat's birthday, your anniversary, her birthday, the first time you guys watched an Adam Sandler movie together), then prepare to not sleep for at least a month.

I hate meeting a girl's parents! There is nothing worse. You have to act nice to them while they are judging you up and down. Those assholes. You have to try to force small talk with someone you could care less about. The worst part is that they can hate you, and you have to love them. It's a lose-lose situation. If you pretend to like them, they still hate you and can be assholes to you, while all you can do is suck it up and play nice. However, if you hate them back, you won't be getting laid for a month or two. Fuck that! Her parents may cook awesome food every time you go over there, but it's not worth it at all. You're better off staying home, playing video games and mircowaving some pizza rolls.

All girls are bipolar. This is a conclusion that I've come up with on my own, though I'm sure every guy agrees with me. They can be incredibly happy one minute, and once you say one thing that they might be able to take the wrong way, they'll throw a fit, then they'll cry and cry and you'll have to hear it while you're trying to watch Family Guy. Don't ever answer any question your girlfriend asks you, because every question is a loaded one and there is no right way to answer it. For example:

Girl: "So which one of my friends do you think is hot? Hehehehe!"
You: "Jessica's cute, I guess."
Girl: "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO FUCK JESSICA THEN, SINCE SHE'S SO MUCH HOTTER! IT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS BIGGER BOOBS, ISN'T IT?! YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS! I'M STAYING AT MY SISTER'S PLACE TONIGHT! ROT IN HELL, YOU ASSHOLE!"
You: "What...???"

Is it really worth putting up with all of that? The answer is no. Even if she's amazing in bed, the answer is still no. There is no pussy that is worth that much of a headache. What you need is guy friends who you can hang out with, and then various sluts who you can bang. You can't be friends with girls - it's impossible and you should avoid it at all costs. When you bang a slut and she's upset about something stupid, who cares? You'll be miles away and she won't be able to call you because you purposely gave her the wrong number. And with all the money you'll be saving from not buying aspirin for the headache that a girlfriend would give you, you can buy beer and have a grand old time with your buddies.

Cocoa's Retort:
I'm not saying to have to date some annoying skank. I know it's hard to believe, but there are actually some quality women out in the world. The only problem is we usually chase them away. So, get yourself a quality girlfriend. Not some Abercrombie model who just sits around watching VH1 shows and bitching about her weight, but one who's actually cool.

I like to have to work for my sex, because I'm the kind of guy who likes a good challenge. Sluts are just like shooting fish in a barrel - there's not that much fun in it at all. When I go out on the town, I like to think of it as me being on the hunt. A sexy hunt for vagina. If I wanted to just have pussy, I'd go to a strip club and tell a stripper that I'll pay for her child's diabetes supplies, and I'll be boning her within the hour. It's just too easy. So easy, in fact, that all the fun of sex is sucked out of it. I may not get laid as often if I'm going for girls that I actually have to work on, but it's quality versus quantity.

Plus, when you have a girlfriend, you don't have to wear condoms. I hate wearing condoms, but I also hate the possibility of getting an STD that will ruin the rest of my sex life. So when I'm banging a slut who has had so many dicks inside her you'd think she was running a cock washing business between her legs, you're damn right I'm gonna put a dick bag on. When I'm with a girlfriend, I'll be damned if I wear a condom. She'll be on the pill or she's gone. I don't have to worry too much about what diseases she's got.

Sluts may have a lot of experience in the sack, but they have sex so much that they have a lot of good sex to compare it to. If you're dating a girl, she's going to be at least 3-5 years younger than you (preferably in high school still) so she won't have a lot of past sexual experiences to judge you against. A slut, though, will know how good it's possible for sex to be, and how long you should last. She'll be demanding and very judgmental, and there's nothing worse than a girl bitching about how other guys are better than you.

Fun Reading:
Get an imaginary girlfriend!
Tips for one-night stands
Suicide statistics
Relationship advice for men

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