Sunday, January 17, 2010

Old Chicks vs. Young Chicks

The desperate, undersexed housewife has been gaining a lot of popularity lately. From movies like American Pie, which has some Jewish virgin nailing his friend's mom, to shows like Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City, which are both about a bunch of middle-aged sluts being slutty. The shows are pretty gay, but who wouldn't nail Teri Hatcher? But is all this hype around "experienced" chicks called for? Or are they past their prime and should be leaving the sexing up to their daughters instead? Old chicks versus young chicks? Fisty and Cocoa debate it out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I'm going to have to go with milfs on this one. Young chicks just want one thing: a relationship. You can easily bone young chicks, but you are going to have to lie your ass off to get them to put out. You'll have to tell them things like how you aren't using them, you might want a relationship, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have herpes, so on and so forth. So basically you have to lie your ass off. It gets kind of annoying having to go through all that just to poke a chick. When I sleep with a young girl, I always get the same responses: "You just seem too good to be true", "I just hope you aren't using me for sex", and "I'm kind of itchy for some reason now." I have to reassure them that I'm not using them, and that the itch they feel is an allergic reaction to the latex in the condoms and not a souvenir from Cabo.

A young girl also has the potential to be a little crazy. You fuck her, then she thinks that she loves you and wants to bear your children. She will be at your place every morning, leaving flowers and dead kittens at your door step, and break into your house with attempts to cook you breakfast with bacon she cut from her own thigh. Despite how sexy that may sound, it gets a little creepy after a while. Girls at that age can't distinguish love from lust. It's true, however, that older women can't distinguish the two either; they just don't care anymore because they're dead inside.

Getting with milfs, cougars, desperate housewives, old married whores - whatever you call them - is like shooting fish in a barrel. Why? They are already married, so they aren't looking for another relationship. They are in loveless, boring relationships. Their husbands work too much and can't get boners anymore, except for when they're fooling around with their secretaries or stepdaughters. A milf just wants quick sex from a dude who can get a hard-on on command, and then she'll forget about him. Isn't that what guys want - to bang a girl and never see her again? Hell yeah!

Older chicks usually know a lot of swift-ass sex moves. They have a lot of pent-up sexual energy that they have to get out. Older chicks will have you in every position you can imagine. Even if you bang her in a car, she'll have your ass up against the steering wheel, ceiling, and then somehow in the trunk. It may seem a little far-fetched, but you have to remember that the last time that married woman down the road from you got nailed was when her 16-year-old was conceived. She's been dreaming about having some dude plow her for the past decade and a half, and she wants to act out all these fantasies. What does this mean for you? Your dick will be wanting to punch you in the face the next morning. You know after a heavy night of drinking when your liver yells at you the next morning and called you an "asshole"? Yeah, your dick will be doing the exact same thing after this.

The only thing that you really have to worry is about is their husbands finding out. This has the potential to be a huge problem, but if you have a little common sense, this shouldn't be an issue. If a husband ever does find out that you plowed his wife, just point out to him that you had no idea that the woman was married and that if he could actually get a hard-on more than once a year, she wouldn't be looking for some more youthful wood. But more than likely, she'll keep her mouth shut because her husband beats her, and you'll keep your mouth shut because she's almost fifty and you don't want your friends to make fun of you. At least you got your rocks off commitment-free, right? Indeed.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Nope, go for the young ones. The advantages are endless and incomparable. First off, old chicks are...well, old. And old people have wrinkly skin, saggy body parts, and thinner hair. They stopped trying to impress men when they got married 20 years ago, and have since let their bodies go. On the other hand, young chicks are very fit. They're still young and stupid enough to think you have to be perfectly toned and smooth in order to pick up men. Their boobs are still firm and hair-free, and you can yank their young, strong, vitamin-infused hair as hard as you want without it coming out in your hand.

Men may start with an old beater car that they can get for cheap in high school, then work their way up through the system, manipulate their peers, and take advantage of unlucky people to constantly trade up for a newer, better model; but with women, it works the other way. Once you get your virginity and first few skanks out of the way, you need to start at the top. You need to get the hot chick. You need to get that cheerleader with perfectly shaped C-cup boobs, amazingly toned and smooth legs, and beautiful round face. You must take her and rail the shit out of her. Destroy something pure, beautiful, and innocent while you still can. You're young and in the best shape you'll ever be in for the rest of your life. And you can still hit on that chick and bang her without looking creepy/being arrested/becoming legally obligated to tell your neighbors you moved into the neighborhood. Always bang the youngest, hottest girl you can while you still have the chance. As you get older, the women get older, too, and, even worse, they get smarter.

A young girl is dumb enough to do anything you tell her to. When you're having trouble getting off and stick that finger in her ass while you're railing her so that you get that little extra pressure where it counts on your dick, you can tell her it's perfectly normal to do that during sex. She's young and stupid and will believe you. Do that to an older chick, and she'll slap you. Or start to freak out like she's having Vietnam-style flashbacks of her ex-husbands. You can tell a young girl that it's very common for guys your age to need the girl to ride you cowgirl-style while bucking her head back and forth for it to truly be sex, and she'll be stupid enough to believe you. And even with young girls who think they'll actually be able to put sex off till marriage, you can still tell them that anal virginity isn't biblical virginity. Would an older woman believe lies like that? Hell no.

Older women have been lied to and tossed around like the dirty old bags of shit they are for years. They can spot bullshit a mile away. And, just like how you take advantage of younger girls, older women can take advantage of a younger guy such as yourself. That old broad's been humped in enough rooms that she knows where you stash all your money and salvia. She's smart enough to look for the nearest exit so she can steal your laptop and crystal Disney character collection as soon as you go to the bathroom. And, on the humiliating side of things, she knows how long guys are supposed to last, and how long every other guy is able to last. You can't please her. She's been neglected and abused so long it's all about her getting her rocks off. She could give a shit less about you. She knows how you'll tense up when you're about to cum, and she has the moves to dodge a rogue money shot.

Sure, older women may have loads of experience under their belts, but they also have a sense of cunning and hatred towards men that a young buck such as yourself isn't yet prepared to deal with.

Fisty's Retort:
Sex with young girls just sucks! They have no experience and they constantly whine about how every move hurts them. This gets old very fast. I'm a guy who likes to move around a lot and do as little talking as possible. I can't concentrate on breaking her hymen when she won't shut up about how fat she thinks she is and how she won't fuck with the lights on. In between her bouts of self-loathing, she'll just keep talking about the latest episode of The Hills, Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, A Shot at Love, A Money Shot at Love, Fisting of Love and various other shows involving people who shouldn't be allowed to breathe trying to find love. I'll be punching her in the face and walking home before I even have a chance to give her a hot carl.

Before I even have a chance to bang a young girl, I'll have to tote her ass around because she doesn't have a car, pay for dinner (Burger King value menu) because she doesn't have a job, and find a place to bone her because she doesn't have her own place. With that being said, I have to either bang her at my place, her parents' house, or in my car in a dimly lit parking lot. All are very risky places. If I bang her at my place, she'll know where I live. This could end very badly. If she finds out that I just used her (which I did), she'll be clawing at my window at three o'clock in the morning watching me as I masturbate to pictures of Bea Arthur. If I stick it to her at her parents' house, I'll have to talk to her parents, make up a lie and say that I'm in the 10th grade. Her mom is bound to come bursting through the door, cock-blocking me, telling me how I have to go home and that her daughter has to get rest because she starts 7th grade in the morning and such. With a parking lot I run the risk of being stopped by a cop and getting busted for indecent exposure for sex that isn't worth the risk!

Young girls are morons, they aren't on the pill and if they are on it, they don't know how to take birth control correctly or faithfully. Young girls will forget to take the pill for a week, mix it with antibiotics, snort it, get it confused with Smarties and try to take candy instead of their birth control. Long story short, I'll be paying for an abortion that I don't have the money for, or more believably, I'll be wanted for assault for tossing her down the stairs or punching her in the stomach. These are all very likely scenarios that young girls will not know how to deal with. As a result, you'll not only have to wear a condom, but you'll have to pull out as well. You've got to double-do it, because young girls are too fucking stupid to do anything right.

Cocoa's Retort:
For men, sex is all about the conquest. Although animal hunting is gay, all men hunt - not always for the food, but for the sport, for the challenge. We get promotions at work, and even though we start to hate our lives because of the overload of work, we like it because we have conquered our job. We drive bigger and faster cars than our friends. As soon as you talk that chick into shitting on you, you dump her because you know that's as far as you'll ever get with her. Luckily, with young girls, you have plenty of things to conquer. Hell, if you get a girl who's young enough, you may even find one who's never been eaten out. And that's don't want to be mowing down on a girl, wondering about how many dicks and babies have been going in and out of there. And when you get with a girl who has very little experience, you have plenty of things to conquer. Oral, then sex, than anal, then threesomes, then rim jobs, then scat. It'll take months for you to get sick of her. And although I don't advocate being in a long-term relationship with a girl so young and inexperienced, the more time you spend on one girl, the less time you waste getting rejected by other girls.

On the other hand, when you're shoving your penis into an older chick, there's nothing to conquer. She's been used by every scuzzy dude in town. Older women who just want to get laid don't care who they fuck. Who knows how many mornings she's had to wake up and wash the Tilt-a-Whirl grease off her ass after a night with the local carney? Young girls, however, like to think they're waiting for the right guy, so they've been thrown around a hell of a lot less and are in much more pristine condition. Although the older women may know a lot more moves and be a little more stretched out, sex with them is boring because you know there's nothing left to conquer. And I'd much rather jerk off and get on with my day than waste my time trying to find an old skank to rock on top of.

Fun Reading:
A website about "scandalous" housewives
Helpful tips on how not to get raped
How to pick up a cougar
A very helpful question about young chicks

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