Sunday, January 31, 2010

Natural Disasters

Introduction:
Every few years the world is shaken by a natural disaster. When natural disasters like the 2004 tsunami, Katrina, or the earthquake in Haiti hit us, it brings people together. Grief stricken people whine, hold hands, give donations and are completely overcome by emotion and the need to help or pretend to help. This may all seem fun and dandy, but is it worth it? Is the awesome event of a bunch of poor-ass people dying worth putting up with everyone becoming giant talking pussies? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Natural disasters are a terrible, terrible thing and they piss me off for one simple reason: I'm an asshole. When people die I think it's funny, because...well, it is funny. I often find myself reading the obituaries and laughing my ass off and no one gives me shit for it. When tons of people die it's even better, but when a natural disaster comes around, it suddenly becomes cool to pretend to care about people and it's no longer acceptable for me to laugh. These "grief" stricken people ruin a good time for me. Very much like someone crying during a porno, it just sinks my boner into the ground. I can't very well laugh when every time I crack a smile someone freaks out on me for being so insensitive and unsympathetic. Well, fuck you, it's funny and I'm not going to feel bad about those people just because it's the new thing. I can laugh my ass off at AIDS (which kills far more people than any earthquake or hurricane) and no one cares, but there's just something about natural disasters that I can't laugh at. What makes them so cool? I just don't get it. Fuck them.

I can't turn on the TV without being reminded of whatever natural disaster is currently popular. There are just too many telethons and benefit shows while I'm trying to watch my cartoons. Do telethons really do anything? Do the telethons make the weather stop being such an asshole so there won't be anymore hurricanes? Do they stop the tectonic plates from moving on Earth's mantle so there won't be anymore earthquakes? Other than piss me off, the telethons accomplish jack-shit. They're just another way for celebrities to stroke their egos and fame by appearing as if they actually care. Like them, I don't care, but unlike them, I don't lie about it. I'm honest and I could care less. Stop showing those benefit telethons on every channel and let me get back to watching Sponge Bob and eating my cereal.

I hate celebrities. If a celebrity endorses something, then I automatically hate that product, store, or whatever it may be. Just like how Rent-a-Center has Magic Johnson endorsing them. Really? He has HIV. Why would I buy anything from a dude with HIV? That's stupid. And celebrities won't shut up about natural disasters either. Every other commercial usually has some fake-crying douchey celebrity talking about the disaster, like I'm really going to listen to a person who has a sex tape, reality show and millions of dollars more than me talking about how I should give my money away. They really expect me to give my hard-earned money to help some jackass living on a floating piece of plywood in some obscure third-world country? Give me a break, like I have the money to give them and my donation will make their country suck less? "It's the time to give." No, Christmas is the time to give, fuck face. That's sooo last month.

This shit is getting out of control and it doesn't end with celebrities. Not only has the Haiti shit taken over my TV, but it's also taken over my porn! I can't even spank it without being told how I should donate to help out Haiti. How ridiculous is that? I went on one of my favorite porn sites to crank one out before bed and it said on its main page: "The International Red Cross is taking donations to help the victims in the Haiti earthquake. Click Here to donate!" Really? You're asking a dude with his junk in his hand to help out the people of Haiti? You know things are out of hand when porn steps in and tries to do something about it.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Dude, natural disasters are sweet. Hands down, awesome. I'm completely athiest, but when natural disasters hit, there's a little part of me that really believes there actually is a god. The worst disasters always happen in the worst countries. The tsunami? That was Indonesia, Ski Lanka, and India. Fuck them all. The earthquake that just happened? That was Haiti. Fuck Haitians. They're the poorest people in the western hemisphere. Why? Because they suck.

Usually when natural disasters strike, they strike foreigners, and when they hit America, they affect the black people most. Good. Now nature is taking care of the foreigners and I don't have to. Sure, a human life is a precious thing and when anyone dies, there's going to be at least one person who's saddened by it. But look at the people in India - tens of thousands of them died, but what have we really lost? Some deeply impoverished people who can't even provide food for their own children? Good. Now there's a few less worthless people to worry about. You can say I'm inconsiderate, and I may agree, but really look at it. You may think Indonesia and those countries are great places - but you've never been there. I, on the other hand, have never been to these countries, but I think that they're shitty places, largely because I haven't been there. If a giant tornado tore through Gary, Indiana, would you care? Fuck no. You pass through that place on your way to Chicago, so you know it's a shithole, and you want some disaster to come to the rescue and demolish that eyesore.

You don't like natural disasters because celebrities cry about them on TV? Big fucking deal. Natural disasters are by far awesome enough to make it worthwhile to deal with any famous person using them to help his public persona. Angelina Jolie's always out adopting some African baby every few months, but that's not the reason I hate children. Clooney's bragging about his Prius, but I still drive a fuel-efficient car. That's like seeing a Jessica Alba ad speaking out against sexual abuse, and deciding that sex is stupid.

I love natural disasters because it gives me a contemporary excuse to laugh at how stupid and hypocritical people are. I live across the road from a soup kitchen and a few days a week, I'll see a long line of people wrapped around the building in the eight-degree weather, holding their kids close in the cloud of breath steam. Sure, I don't donate any money to these places, but at the same time, I also don't donate money to the Red Cross for helping Haitians and call myself a hero. And unless there's a recent disaster, 99% of people don't give a fuck about helping others. I love hypocritical people and watching them make asses out of themselves. Natural disasters bring these people to the limelight and it makes me very very happy.

Fisty's Retort:
I don't care about what happens in other countries and I hate people who pretend that they do. On Facebook, for instance, peoples' statuses are annoying as all hell: "Pray for the victims", "God is with the victims", "We're sending our love and prayers to Haiti" and the groups like "Support Haiti" - fuck off. You don't care, so stop trying to make it seem like you do. Most people had never even heard about Haiti before, and now they love it and care about the people in it. I bet that no one even knows anything about Haiti, other than the fact that there was an earthquake there. I highly doubt that all these people who "support" Haiti could even find it on a map. I have no doubt in my mind that the people in Haiti are happy that the earthquake hit. If I lived there, I'd want something to wipe it off the map and smother me in hundreds of tons of rubble. Unfortunately, they had this disaster to put them out of their misery. I was perfectly happy with Haiti being a shitty obscure country that people only knew as that country not to get off the cruise ship at if they docked there. But now that's all gone.

And natural disasters may take out black people, which is cool, but AIDS does an even better job at wiping them out. Not only does it take out more people, but it also makes their deaths more funny and more drawn-out. Have you ever seen a picture of someone with AIDS on their death bed...or pile of hay...and goats? Pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself. In an earthquake or flood, you just see a hand sticking out from under rubble, or floating by in coolers. Where's the fun in that?

Cocoa's Retort:
AIDS takes way too long to kill people. It takes years for someone to die from AIDS, while an earthquake only takes minutes. I have a short attention span, so I really don't have the time or the patience to wait for people to have sex, contract HIV, get AIDS and die from pneumonia several years later. That's too damn long. This is why I pick up transient hookers versus getting an actual girlfriend. Girlfriends, even sluts, take too long to bone. I have to take them out on dates, spend vast amounts of money, lie to them - too much work and time. Unless a girl's a complete stranger to all sorts of sexual activity and presents some sort of challenge to me, I'd rather just give a hooker fifteen bucks and have her give me a hand job in the back of my Beetle. Natural disasters do the job and are fast - just the way I like 'em.

I'm never going to give money to third world countries, for one simple reason: it won't do any good. Sure, you may think it's sad to see people living in those conditions, and although I might not agree with you, I understand why you would feel bad for those people. But is texting the Red Cross ten dollars really going to fix Haiti? Sure, they can get some rice and Tide can go down there and wash their clothes, but once the international aid frenzy is over, what's left? It will still be a nation full of peasants with a bleak outlook for the future. In most third world countries, not just the ones that are affected by natural disasters, all the people with kids in those countries are horribly irresponsible parents. They can't even find water for themselves, so why the fuck would they have children? Is having a child going to bring more water to the region? Fuck no. If you're horribly impoverished and you have a child, then you deserve terrible things to happen to you for making the problem worse. Luckily, we have natural disasters to deal with these people.

Fun Reading:
Plan a trip to Haiti!
The deadliest tsunami in history
"Hurricane Katrina - Who is to blame?" Certainly not the weather

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