Sunday, January 3, 2010


In comparison to the size of the vagina, humans have the largest head of any mammal species. This means that, during birth, the vagina gets horribly torn up and mangled. More and more, women are turning to C-sections to avoid the snatch devastation that comes from natural childbirth. However, C-sections come with a host of problems of their own. So if you were unsuccessful at convincing your girlfriend to get an abortion, which birthing method should you convince her to use?

Glen Cocoa's Take:
If your girl is going to end up giving birth, I say go for the natural child birth. A lot of people nowadays go for the C-section, because they don't want the vagina to get blown out. With a C-section, the doctor chops her open, moves the organs all around, chops the uterus open, pulls the kid out. To me, all those scars on her belly aren't worth saving her snatch from getting stretched out. Sure, the vagina will get stretched out, torn, ripped, and basically devastated. But it is very stretchy and it will heal. I've done my share of fisting and believe me, it retaliates pretty quickly.

I would like for my child to do physical harm to my wife's (or girlfriend's, or cousin's) vagina, because I don't want to have a good first impression of my child. They say that first impressions last a lifetime, and I want my first impression of him to be that little prick destroying my favorite place of Earth. That way, when he fails that math test in high school, I won't feel bad beating him. Too many families view a child as a blessing and a saint. They smother the little critter with love and gifts and praise and acceptance. How are you supposed to punish that little bastard when he's older and gets caught sneaking around with a fat chick? Do you actually think that parents who make you wash your hands before playing with their child are going to have the balls to dish out some punishment on that fucker when he's older?

I, on the other hand, want to see my girlfriend in immense pain. After all those months with her being pregnant, me not getting any ass, and her being a bitch, nothing sounds better than beating her senseless. However, I'm not fond of getting arrested. So I figure that her squeezing a watermelon out of her love hole is suitable punishment for her being such a whore.

Plus, the episiotomy scars may feel like you're wearing a ribbed condom. Now, instead of me using things that are ribbed for her pleasure, her snatch will be surgically and permanently ribbed for my pleasure. And when girls have scars from giving birth, they're pretty much out of sight. Just a couple stretch marks around her snatch, and maybe a bigger scar traveling across her taint. That's a hell of a lot better than being all over her stomach. Do you take a fat chick in public? No. She's gross, has stretch marks, and the whole works. A girl who's had a C-section is no different. I don't want to see that, and I definitely don't want my friends to see it and make fun of me for it. They're already making enough fun of me for having a child.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

First of all, if I knock up a girl, she's either getting an abortion of getting tossed down a flight of stairs. I prefer the toss down the stairs because I want to have a good laugh at her expense. But let's just say that I wanted a sell into slavery...or something. I hate kids - let me make this perfectly clear: I fucking hate kids! If a kid fucked up my girl's cooter, I'm going to punch that stupid kid in his stupid face. I'm not happy about C-sections, but it's the lesser of two evils. By “evil” I mean giving birth to a demon seed that will suck all joy from your life. Those selfish assholes! I could handle a scar on the stomach. Shitloads of chicks who've never had kids have scars on their stomachs. I've stuck it to chicks before who've had their appendix removed or have undergone gastric bypass. It's not a big deal, it doesn't even phase me.

A vagina is a temple – a temple to my penis. If a thing that looks like a retarded alien goes into my penis's temple and starts fucking shit up, I'm going to get pissed! Think about it: if a retarded alien monster went into a church and started breaking shit and then set it on fire – how would a Christian feel? Pretty damn angry, I'm sure. I'm not for child abuse (ok...I am), but if a kid devastated something that I love so dearly (the vagina, not the woman) I would go on a rampage. Buildings would crumble, the sky would burn, the oceans would boil, baby Jesus would cry - shit would go down. I'm not having sex with her stomach, I'm having sex with her vagina. I could give a fuck less about her stomach (unless it's fat).

I've watched those birthing videos before, so I know what comes out of there. They show them on TV all the time and it's usually under the misleading title of "Miracle of Life" or something equally stupid. Child birth is no miracle. Not only can anyone have a baby but it's also completely disgusting! I don't want to be anywhere near any woman in labor and I certainly don't want my dick going anywhere near that cooter. I have no idea what the baby is even covered with. It kind of looks like the baby was dropped in a vat of vaseline and then rolled around in ketchup and mustard...possibly some relish too. Vaginas should be clean and they are not allowed to get dirty at all...unless my penis is dirty.

Cocoa's Retort:
You've "stuck it to chicks before who have had their appendix removed"? Where are you picking up girls at? That aside, you should be glad that the thing being expelled from that vagina is gross and fucked up. Do you want to love your child? Do you want to feel guilty when you beat it? No. So then isn't it a wonderful thing that you'll hate it right off the bat?

All kinds of gross shit already comes out of the vagina anyways. When a girl's on her period, that blood coming out is the lining of her uterus wall, which the body sheds like an inverse snake skin once a month. Essentially, the vagina is hocking a week-long bloody lugi onto a cotton stick. That seems pretty gross to me. And let's be honest, I'm a lot more disturbed by the rugby team being inside her vagina than a baby. At least a baby will one day be able to wash my dishes, mow my lawn, and eventually wipe my old crippled ass for me. All the other athletes and rapists that have been in that vagina will never do any of those things for me (correction: most members of any high school rugby team will one day be mowing lawns for a living).

Whereas I'm looking forward to myself hating the child for devastating her snatch, the mother will have the opposite view. In her mind, because of all that pain she went through, she'll be damned if she's going to let that child become a loser. This is great news for you: she'll do a good portion of the parenting and will do whatever she can to stop your child from being a fuckup.

Fisty's Retort:
In one of my favorite movies, Alien, this dude got knocked up by some sexy alien face-hugger which laid eggs in his chest, and when the alien egg inside of him was ready to hatch, it popped out of the dude's chest and ran around screaming. This was one of the most disgusting scenes in that movie; however, it is not that far from actual human birth. Pretty much the only difference between Alien and child birth (other than the fact that Alien kicked ass) is that in child birth, the gross alien monkey comes out of the vagina and not the chest. Oh, and girls give birth. Not dudes. In real life, we have this disgusting abomination, which resembles a cross between a shaved monkey and a tumor that pops out of a woman's snatch. It just makes me want to vomit. After a girl gives birth, not only will I be reluctant to bang her again, but I will never ever go down on her. I'm not going to eat something where a vaseline and condiment covered mutant popped out of. You can bet your ass on that.

When girls are pregnant, they are always bitches. Girls are bitches even when they're not pregnant, but once you put a baby inside of them it kicks the bitch factor into overdrive. How do I get back at her for being a bitch? I could leave her and make her take care of the child by herself, but what if I feel guilty? (Also, child support) I know it's fucked up to think about, but we have to take everything into consideration here. When women get a C-section, they are cut up quite decently by a doctor. Also, women can't be put under or have too many meds in their system during the birthing process, because it can hurt the baby. I can rest assured that she is getting cut up by some dude and being in incredible pain. While she's screaming and getting cut up, I can run some fantasies through my head that she's being murdered. It will be fun, make the time go by a lot easier and I won't feel so bad about leaving her afterward. I can just tell myself "Well, I might as well move on. She's dead. I saw her getting murdered and it gave me a hard-on." This will surely kill any ping of residual guilt that I may have had lying around.

Fun Reading:
Episiotomy Diagram
Sex after childbirth - Will it ever feel the same?

1 comment: