Sunday, January 31, 2010

Natural Disasters

Every few years the world is shaken by a natural disaster. When natural disasters like the 2004 tsunami, Katrina, or the earthquake in Haiti hit us, it brings people together. Grief stricken people whine, hold hands, give donations and are completely overcome by emotion and the need to help or pretend to help. This may all seem fun and dandy, but is it worth it? Is the awesome event of a bunch of poor-ass people dying worth putting up with everyone becoming giant talking pussies? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Natural disasters are a terrible, terrible thing and they piss me off for one simple reason: I'm an asshole. When people die I think it's funny, because...well, it is funny. I often find myself reading the obituaries and laughing my ass off and no one gives me shit for it. When tons of people die it's even better, but when a natural disaster comes around, it suddenly becomes cool to pretend to care about people and it's no longer acceptable for me to laugh. These "grief" stricken people ruin a good time for me. Very much like someone crying during a porno, it just sinks my boner into the ground. I can't very well laugh when every time I crack a smile someone freaks out on me for being so insensitive and unsympathetic. Well, fuck you, it's funny and I'm not going to feel bad about those people just because it's the new thing. I can laugh my ass off at AIDS (which kills far more people than any earthquake or hurricane) and no one cares, but there's just something about natural disasters that I can't laugh at. What makes them so cool? I just don't get it. Fuck them.

I can't turn on the TV without being reminded of whatever natural disaster is currently popular. There are just too many telethons and benefit shows while I'm trying to watch my cartoons. Do telethons really do anything? Do the telethons make the weather stop being such an asshole so there won't be anymore hurricanes? Do they stop the tectonic plates from moving on Earth's mantle so there won't be anymore earthquakes? Other than piss me off, the telethons accomplish jack-shit. They're just another way for celebrities to stroke their egos and fame by appearing as if they actually care. Like them, I don't care, but unlike them, I don't lie about it. I'm honest and I could care less. Stop showing those benefit telethons on every channel and let me get back to watching Sponge Bob and eating my cereal.

I hate celebrities. If a celebrity endorses something, then I automatically hate that product, store, or whatever it may be. Just like how Rent-a-Center has Magic Johnson endorsing them. Really? He has HIV. Why would I buy anything from a dude with HIV? That's stupid. And celebrities won't shut up about natural disasters either. Every other commercial usually has some fake-crying douchey celebrity talking about the disaster, like I'm really going to listen to a person who has a sex tape, reality show and millions of dollars more than me talking about how I should give my money away. They really expect me to give my hard-earned money to help some jackass living on a floating piece of plywood in some obscure third-world country? Give me a break, like I have the money to give them and my donation will make their country suck less? "It's the time to give." No, Christmas is the time to give, fuck face. That's sooo last month.

This shit is getting out of control and it doesn't end with celebrities. Not only has the Haiti shit taken over my TV, but it's also taken over my porn! I can't even spank it without being told how I should donate to help out Haiti. How ridiculous is that? I went on one of my favorite porn sites to crank one out before bed and it said on its main page: "The International Red Cross is taking donations to help the victims in the Haiti earthquake. Click Here to donate!" Really? You're asking a dude with his junk in his hand to help out the people of Haiti? You know things are out of hand when porn steps in and tries to do something about it.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Dude, natural disasters are sweet. Hands down, awesome. I'm completely athiest, but when natural disasters hit, there's a little part of me that really believes there actually is a god. The worst disasters always happen in the worst countries. The tsunami? That was Indonesia, Ski Lanka, and India. Fuck them all. The earthquake that just happened? That was Haiti. Fuck Haitians. They're the poorest people in the western hemisphere. Why? Because they suck.

Usually when natural disasters strike, they strike foreigners, and when they hit America, they affect the black people most. Good. Now nature is taking care of the foreigners and I don't have to. Sure, a human life is a precious thing and when anyone dies, there's going to be at least one person who's saddened by it. But look at the people in India - tens of thousands of them died, but what have we really lost? Some deeply impoverished people who can't even provide food for their own children? Good. Now there's a few less worthless people to worry about. You can say I'm inconsiderate, and I may agree, but really look at it. You may think Indonesia and those countries are great places - but you've never been there. I, on the other hand, have never been to these countries, but I think that they're shitty places, largely because I haven't been there. If a giant tornado tore through Gary, Indiana, would you care? Fuck no. You pass through that place on your way to Chicago, so you know it's a shithole, and you want some disaster to come to the rescue and demolish that eyesore.

You don't like natural disasters because celebrities cry about them on TV? Big fucking deal. Natural disasters are by far awesome enough to make it worthwhile to deal with any famous person using them to help his public persona. Angelina Jolie's always out adopting some African baby every few months, but that's not the reason I hate children. Clooney's bragging about his Prius, but I still drive a fuel-efficient car. That's like seeing a Jessica Alba ad speaking out against sexual abuse, and deciding that sex is stupid.

I love natural disasters because it gives me a contemporary excuse to laugh at how stupid and hypocritical people are. I live across the road from a soup kitchen and a few days a week, I'll see a long line of people wrapped around the building in the eight-degree weather, holding their kids close in the cloud of breath steam. Sure, I don't donate any money to these places, but at the same time, I also don't donate money to the Red Cross for helping Haitians and call myself a hero. And unless there's a recent disaster, 99% of people don't give a fuck about helping others. I love hypocritical people and watching them make asses out of themselves. Natural disasters bring these people to the limelight and it makes me very very happy.

Fisty's Retort:
I don't care about what happens in other countries and I hate people who pretend that they do. On Facebook, for instance, peoples' statuses are annoying as all hell: "Pray for the victims", "God is with the victims", "We're sending our love and prayers to Haiti" and the groups like "Support Haiti" - fuck off. You don't care, so stop trying to make it seem like you do. Most people had never even heard about Haiti before, and now they love it and care about the people in it. I bet that no one even knows anything about Haiti, other than the fact that there was an earthquake there. I highly doubt that all these people who "support" Haiti could even find it on a map. I have no doubt in my mind that the people in Haiti are happy that the earthquake hit. If I lived there, I'd want something to wipe it off the map and smother me in hundreds of tons of rubble. Unfortunately, they had this disaster to put them out of their misery. I was perfectly happy with Haiti being a shitty obscure country that people only knew as that country not to get off the cruise ship at if they docked there. But now that's all gone.

And natural disasters may take out black people, which is cool, but AIDS does an even better job at wiping them out. Not only does it take out more people, but it also makes their deaths more funny and more drawn-out. Have you ever seen a picture of someone with AIDS on their death bed...or pile of hay...and goats? Pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself. In an earthquake or flood, you just see a hand sticking out from under rubble, or floating by in coolers. Where's the fun in that?

Cocoa's Retort:
AIDS takes way too long to kill people. It takes years for someone to die from AIDS, while an earthquake only takes minutes. I have a short attention span, so I really don't have the time or the patience to wait for people to have sex, contract HIV, get AIDS and die from pneumonia several years later. That's too damn long. This is why I pick up transient hookers versus getting an actual girlfriend. Girlfriends, even sluts, take too long to bone. I have to take them out on dates, spend vast amounts of money, lie to them - too much work and time. Unless a girl's a complete stranger to all sorts of sexual activity and presents some sort of challenge to me, I'd rather just give a hooker fifteen bucks and have her give me a hand job in the back of my Beetle. Natural disasters do the job and are fast - just the way I like 'em.

I'm never going to give money to third world countries, for one simple reason: it won't do any good. Sure, you may think it's sad to see people living in those conditions, and although I might not agree with you, I understand why you would feel bad for those people. But is texting the Red Cross ten dollars really going to fix Haiti? Sure, they can get some rice and Tide can go down there and wash their clothes, but once the international aid frenzy is over, what's left? It will still be a nation full of peasants with a bleak outlook for the future. In most third world countries, not just the ones that are affected by natural disasters, all the people with kids in those countries are horribly irresponsible parents. They can't even find water for themselves, so why the fuck would they have children? Is having a child going to bring more water to the region? Fuck no. If you're horribly impoverished and you have a child, then you deserve terrible things to happen to you for making the problem worse. Luckily, we have natural disasters to deal with these people.

Fun Reading:
Plan a trip to Haiti!
The deadliest tsunami in history
"Hurricane Katrina - Who is to blame?" Certainly not the weather

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Old Chicks vs. Young Chicks

The desperate, undersexed housewife has been gaining a lot of popularity lately. From movies like American Pie, which has some Jewish virgin nailing his friend's mom, to shows like Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City, which are both about a bunch of middle-aged sluts being slutty. The shows are pretty gay, but who wouldn't nail Teri Hatcher? But is all this hype around "experienced" chicks called for? Or are they past their prime and should be leaving the sexing up to their daughters instead? Old chicks versus young chicks? Fisty and Cocoa debate it out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I'm going to have to go with milfs on this one. Young chicks just want one thing: a relationship. You can easily bone young chicks, but you are going to have to lie your ass off to get them to put out. You'll have to tell them things like how you aren't using them, you might want a relationship, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have herpes, so on and so forth. So basically you have to lie your ass off. It gets kind of annoying having to go through all that just to poke a chick. When I sleep with a young girl, I always get the same responses: "You just seem too good to be true", "I just hope you aren't using me for sex", and "I'm kind of itchy for some reason now." I have to reassure them that I'm not using them, and that the itch they feel is an allergic reaction to the latex in the condoms and not a souvenir from Cabo.

A young girl also has the potential to be a little crazy. You fuck her, then she thinks that she loves you and wants to bear your children. She will be at your place every morning, leaving flowers and dead kittens at your door step, and break into your house with attempts to cook you breakfast with bacon she cut from her own thigh. Despite how sexy that may sound, it gets a little creepy after a while. Girls at that age can't distinguish love from lust. It's true, however, that older women can't distinguish the two either; they just don't care anymore because they're dead inside.

Getting with milfs, cougars, desperate housewives, old married whores - whatever you call them - is like shooting fish in a barrel. Why? They are already married, so they aren't looking for another relationship. They are in loveless, boring relationships. Their husbands work too much and can't get boners anymore, except for when they're fooling around with their secretaries or stepdaughters. A milf just wants quick sex from a dude who can get a hard-on on command, and then she'll forget about him. Isn't that what guys want - to bang a girl and never see her again? Hell yeah!

Older chicks usually know a lot of swift-ass sex moves. They have a lot of pent-up sexual energy that they have to get out. Older chicks will have you in every position you can imagine. Even if you bang her in a car, she'll have your ass up against the steering wheel, ceiling, and then somehow in the trunk. It may seem a little far-fetched, but you have to remember that the last time that married woman down the road from you got nailed was when her 16-year-old was conceived. She's been dreaming about having some dude plow her for the past decade and a half, and she wants to act out all these fantasies. What does this mean for you? Your dick will be wanting to punch you in the face the next morning. You know after a heavy night of drinking when your liver yells at you the next morning and called you an "asshole"? Yeah, your dick will be doing the exact same thing after this.

The only thing that you really have to worry is about is their husbands finding out. This has the potential to be a huge problem, but if you have a little common sense, this shouldn't be an issue. If a husband ever does find out that you plowed his wife, just point out to him that you had no idea that the woman was married and that if he could actually get a hard-on more than once a year, she wouldn't be looking for some more youthful wood. But more than likely, she'll keep her mouth shut because her husband beats her, and you'll keep your mouth shut because she's almost fifty and you don't want your friends to make fun of you. At least you got your rocks off commitment-free, right? Indeed.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Nope, go for the young ones. The advantages are endless and incomparable. First off, old chicks are...well, old. And old people have wrinkly skin, saggy body parts, and thinner hair. They stopped trying to impress men when they got married 20 years ago, and have since let their bodies go. On the other hand, young chicks are very fit. They're still young and stupid enough to think you have to be perfectly toned and smooth in order to pick up men. Their boobs are still firm and hair-free, and you can yank their young, strong, vitamin-infused hair as hard as you want without it coming out in your hand.

Men may start with an old beater car that they can get for cheap in high school, then work their way up through the system, manipulate their peers, and take advantage of unlucky people to constantly trade up for a newer, better model; but with women, it works the other way. Once you get your virginity and first few skanks out of the way, you need to start at the top. You need to get the hot chick. You need to get that cheerleader with perfectly shaped C-cup boobs, amazingly toned and smooth legs, and beautiful round face. You must take her and rail the shit out of her. Destroy something pure, beautiful, and innocent while you still can. You're young and in the best shape you'll ever be in for the rest of your life. And you can still hit on that chick and bang her without looking creepy/being arrested/becoming legally obligated to tell your neighbors you moved into the neighborhood. Always bang the youngest, hottest girl you can while you still have the chance. As you get older, the women get older, too, and, even worse, they get smarter.

A young girl is dumb enough to do anything you tell her to. When you're having trouble getting off and stick that finger in her ass while you're railing her so that you get that little extra pressure where it counts on your dick, you can tell her it's perfectly normal to do that during sex. She's young and stupid and will believe you. Do that to an older chick, and she'll slap you. Or start to freak out like she's having Vietnam-style flashbacks of her ex-husbands. You can tell a young girl that it's very common for guys your age to need the girl to ride you cowgirl-style while bucking her head back and forth for it to truly be sex, and she'll be stupid enough to believe you. And even with young girls who think they'll actually be able to put sex off till marriage, you can still tell them that anal virginity isn't biblical virginity. Would an older woman believe lies like that? Hell no.

Older women have been lied to and tossed around like the dirty old bags of shit they are for years. They can spot bullshit a mile away. And, just like how you take advantage of younger girls, older women can take advantage of a younger guy such as yourself. That old broad's been humped in enough rooms that she knows where you stash all your money and salvia. She's smart enough to look for the nearest exit so she can steal your laptop and crystal Disney character collection as soon as you go to the bathroom. And, on the humiliating side of things, she knows how long guys are supposed to last, and how long every other guy is able to last. You can't please her. She's been neglected and abused so long it's all about her getting her rocks off. She could give a shit less about you. She knows how you'll tense up when you're about to cum, and she has the moves to dodge a rogue money shot.

Sure, older women may have loads of experience under their belts, but they also have a sense of cunning and hatred towards men that a young buck such as yourself isn't yet prepared to deal with.

Fisty's Retort:
Sex with young girls just sucks! They have no experience and they constantly whine about how every move hurts them. This gets old very fast. I'm a guy who likes to move around a lot and do as little talking as possible. I can't concentrate on breaking her hymen when she won't shut up about how fat she thinks she is and how she won't fuck with the lights on. In between her bouts of self-loathing, she'll just keep talking about the latest episode of The Hills, Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, A Shot at Love, A Money Shot at Love, Fisting of Love and various other shows involving people who shouldn't be allowed to breathe trying to find love. I'll be punching her in the face and walking home before I even have a chance to give her a hot carl.

Before I even have a chance to bang a young girl, I'll have to tote her ass around because she doesn't have a car, pay for dinner (Burger King value menu) because she doesn't have a job, and find a place to bone her because she doesn't have her own place. With that being said, I have to either bang her at my place, her parents' house, or in my car in a dimly lit parking lot. All are very risky places. If I bang her at my place, she'll know where I live. This could end very badly. If she finds out that I just used her (which I did), she'll be clawing at my window at three o'clock in the morning watching me as I masturbate to pictures of Bea Arthur. If I stick it to her at her parents' house, I'll have to talk to her parents, make up a lie and say that I'm in the 10th grade. Her mom is bound to come bursting through the door, cock-blocking me, telling me how I have to go home and that her daughter has to get rest because she starts 7th grade in the morning and such. With a parking lot I run the risk of being stopped by a cop and getting busted for indecent exposure for sex that isn't worth the risk!

Young girls are morons, they aren't on the pill and if they are on it, they don't know how to take birth control correctly or faithfully. Young girls will forget to take the pill for a week, mix it with antibiotics, snort it, get it confused with Smarties and try to take candy instead of their birth control. Long story short, I'll be paying for an abortion that I don't have the money for, or more believably, I'll be wanted for assault for tossing her down the stairs or punching her in the stomach. These are all very likely scenarios that young girls will not know how to deal with. As a result, you'll not only have to wear a condom, but you'll have to pull out as well. You've got to double-do it, because young girls are too fucking stupid to do anything right.

Cocoa's Retort:
For men, sex is all about the conquest. Although animal hunting is gay, all men hunt - not always for the food, but for the sport, for the challenge. We get promotions at work, and even though we start to hate our lives because of the overload of work, we like it because we have conquered our job. We drive bigger and faster cars than our friends. As soon as you talk that chick into shitting on you, you dump her because you know that's as far as you'll ever get with her. Luckily, with young girls, you have plenty of things to conquer. Hell, if you get a girl who's young enough, you may even find one who's never been eaten out. And that's don't want to be mowing down on a girl, wondering about how many dicks and babies have been going in and out of there. And when you get with a girl who has very little experience, you have plenty of things to conquer. Oral, then sex, than anal, then threesomes, then rim jobs, then scat. It'll take months for you to get sick of her. And although I don't advocate being in a long-term relationship with a girl so young and inexperienced, the more time you spend on one girl, the less time you waste getting rejected by other girls.

On the other hand, when you're shoving your penis into an older chick, there's nothing to conquer. She's been used by every scuzzy dude in town. Older women who just want to get laid don't care who they fuck. Who knows how many mornings she's had to wake up and wash the Tilt-a-Whirl grease off her ass after a night with the local carney? Young girls, however, like to think they're waiting for the right guy, so they've been thrown around a hell of a lot less and are in much more pristine condition. Although the older women may know a lot more moves and be a little more stretched out, sex with them is boring because you know there's nothing left to conquer. And I'd much rather jerk off and get on with my day than waste my time trying to find an old skank to rock on top of.

Fun Reading:
A website about "scandalous" housewives
Helpful tips on how not to get raped
How to pick up a cougar
A very helpful question about young chicks

Sunday, January 3, 2010


In comparison to the size of the vagina, humans have the largest head of any mammal species. This means that, during birth, the vagina gets horribly torn up and mangled. More and more, women are turning to C-sections to avoid the snatch devastation that comes from natural childbirth. However, C-sections come with a host of problems of their own. So if you were unsuccessful at convincing your girlfriend to get an abortion, which birthing method should you convince her to use?

Glen Cocoa's Take:
If your girl is going to end up giving birth, I say go for the natural child birth. A lot of people nowadays go for the C-section, because they don't want the vagina to get blown out. With a C-section, the doctor chops her open, moves the organs all around, chops the uterus open, pulls the kid out. To me, all those scars on her belly aren't worth saving her snatch from getting stretched out. Sure, the vagina will get stretched out, torn, ripped, and basically devastated. But it is very stretchy and it will heal. I've done my share of fisting and believe me, it retaliates pretty quickly.

I would like for my child to do physical harm to my wife's (or girlfriend's, or cousin's) vagina, because I don't want to have a good first impression of my child. They say that first impressions last a lifetime, and I want my first impression of him to be that little prick destroying my favorite place of Earth. That way, when he fails that math test in high school, I won't feel bad beating him. Too many families view a child as a blessing and a saint. They smother the little critter with love and gifts and praise and acceptance. How are you supposed to punish that little bastard when he's older and gets caught sneaking around with a fat chick? Do you actually think that parents who make you wash your hands before playing with their child are going to have the balls to dish out some punishment on that fucker when he's older?

I, on the other hand, want to see my girlfriend in immense pain. After all those months with her being pregnant, me not getting any ass, and her being a bitch, nothing sounds better than beating her senseless. However, I'm not fond of getting arrested. So I figure that her squeezing a watermelon out of her love hole is suitable punishment for her being such a whore.

Plus, the episiotomy scars may feel like you're wearing a ribbed condom. Now, instead of me using things that are ribbed for her pleasure, her snatch will be surgically and permanently ribbed for my pleasure. And when girls have scars from giving birth, they're pretty much out of sight. Just a couple stretch marks around her snatch, and maybe a bigger scar traveling across her taint. That's a hell of a lot better than being all over her stomach. Do you take a fat chick in public? No. She's gross, has stretch marks, and the whole works. A girl who's had a C-section is no different. I don't want to see that, and I definitely don't want my friends to see it and make fun of me for it. They're already making enough fun of me for having a child.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

First of all, if I knock up a girl, she's either getting an abortion of getting tossed down a flight of stairs. I prefer the toss down the stairs because I want to have a good laugh at her expense. But let's just say that I wanted a sell into slavery...or something. I hate kids - let me make this perfectly clear: I fucking hate kids! If a kid fucked up my girl's cooter, I'm going to punch that stupid kid in his stupid face. I'm not happy about C-sections, but it's the lesser of two evils. By “evil” I mean giving birth to a demon seed that will suck all joy from your life. Those selfish assholes! I could handle a scar on the stomach. Shitloads of chicks who've never had kids have scars on their stomachs. I've stuck it to chicks before who've had their appendix removed or have undergone gastric bypass. It's not a big deal, it doesn't even phase me.

A vagina is a temple – a temple to my penis. If a thing that looks like a retarded alien goes into my penis's temple and starts fucking shit up, I'm going to get pissed! Think about it: if a retarded alien monster went into a church and started breaking shit and then set it on fire – how would a Christian feel? Pretty damn angry, I'm sure. I'm not for child abuse (ok...I am), but if a kid devastated something that I love so dearly (the vagina, not the woman) I would go on a rampage. Buildings would crumble, the sky would burn, the oceans would boil, baby Jesus would cry - shit would go down. I'm not having sex with her stomach, I'm having sex with her vagina. I could give a fuck less about her stomach (unless it's fat).

I've watched those birthing videos before, so I know what comes out of there. They show them on TV all the time and it's usually under the misleading title of "Miracle of Life" or something equally stupid. Child birth is no miracle. Not only can anyone have a baby but it's also completely disgusting! I don't want to be anywhere near any woman in labor and I certainly don't want my dick going anywhere near that cooter. I have no idea what the baby is even covered with. It kind of looks like the baby was dropped in a vat of vaseline and then rolled around in ketchup and mustard...possibly some relish too. Vaginas should be clean and they are not allowed to get dirty at all...unless my penis is dirty.

Cocoa's Retort:
You've "stuck it to chicks before who have had their appendix removed"? Where are you picking up girls at? That aside, you should be glad that the thing being expelled from that vagina is gross and fucked up. Do you want to love your child? Do you want to feel guilty when you beat it? No. So then isn't it a wonderful thing that you'll hate it right off the bat?

All kinds of gross shit already comes out of the vagina anyways. When a girl's on her period, that blood coming out is the lining of her uterus wall, which the body sheds like an inverse snake skin once a month. Essentially, the vagina is hocking a week-long bloody lugi onto a cotton stick. That seems pretty gross to me. And let's be honest, I'm a lot more disturbed by the rugby team being inside her vagina than a baby. At least a baby will one day be able to wash my dishes, mow my lawn, and eventually wipe my old crippled ass for me. All the other athletes and rapists that have been in that vagina will never do any of those things for me (correction: most members of any high school rugby team will one day be mowing lawns for a living).

Whereas I'm looking forward to myself hating the child for devastating her snatch, the mother will have the opposite view. In her mind, because of all that pain she went through, she'll be damned if she's going to let that child become a loser. This is great news for you: she'll do a good portion of the parenting and will do whatever she can to stop your child from being a fuckup.

Fisty's Retort:
In one of my favorite movies, Alien, this dude got knocked up by some sexy alien face-hugger which laid eggs in his chest, and when the alien egg inside of him was ready to hatch, it popped out of the dude's chest and ran around screaming. This was one of the most disgusting scenes in that movie; however, it is not that far from actual human birth. Pretty much the only difference between Alien and child birth (other than the fact that Alien kicked ass) is that in child birth, the gross alien monkey comes out of the vagina and not the chest. Oh, and girls give birth. Not dudes. In real life, we have this disgusting abomination, which resembles a cross between a shaved monkey and a tumor that pops out of a woman's snatch. It just makes me want to vomit. After a girl gives birth, not only will I be reluctant to bang her again, but I will never ever go down on her. I'm not going to eat something where a vaseline and condiment covered mutant popped out of. You can bet your ass on that.

When girls are pregnant, they are always bitches. Girls are bitches even when they're not pregnant, but once you put a baby inside of them it kicks the bitch factor into overdrive. How do I get back at her for being a bitch? I could leave her and make her take care of the child by herself, but what if I feel guilty? (Also, child support) I know it's fucked up to think about, but we have to take everything into consideration here. When women get a C-section, they are cut up quite decently by a doctor. Also, women can't be put under or have too many meds in their system during the birthing process, because it can hurt the baby. I can rest assured that she is getting cut up by some dude and being in incredible pain. While she's screaming and getting cut up, I can run some fantasies through my head that she's being murdered. It will be fun, make the time go by a lot easier and I won't feel so bad about leaving her afterward. I can just tell myself "Well, I might as well move on. She's dead. I saw her getting murdered and it gave me a hard-on." This will surely kill any ping of residual guilt that I may have had lying around.

Fun Reading:
Episiotomy Diagram
Sex after childbirth - Will it ever feel the same?