Thursday, December 17, 2009

Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is when a husband, or wife (if the man's a pussy), beats his/her spouse. This can be caused by a multitude of reasons: dominance, a horribly cooked dinner, showing off to friends/co-workers, etc. Domestic abuse, though illegal, was largely accepted and rarely prosecuted up until the women's rights movement. At this point, women started going to college, started getting real jobs, stopped waiting on men hand and foot, and stopped enjoying being beaten. Is the world a better place now that women are presented the illusion that they're equal to men? Or is it a good thing thing that domestic abuse is against the law? Let's debate this bitch out.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I have a proposal: I feel that a state should take on the issue of domestic abuse. Whereas some states (California, Michigan, etc) have legalized medical marijuana, others (Massachusetts, Vermont, etc) have legalized gay marriage, and Nevada has legalized prostitution, the next logical step in this progression is a state legalizing domestic abuse.

Sure, some people may think that beating women is wrong or immoral or too easy to even be fun, but that's why we should try it out in one state to see how it works. And it will be a great way to jump start the economy. Opponents may contend that the only people who would move to an area with legalized domestic abuse are rednecks, but they are mistaken. Those people don't care if it's legal - they'll do it wherever. No, my friend, the people who would move to this state are the high rollers, the people with big money from the big cities. These are people who live under constant scrutiny by the public (celebrities, politicians, etc), and who can't afford to beat their wives, for these men know that their wives have the divorce papers in hand, just waiting for the husband to slip up so that they can get a better settlement. These are men with lots to lose.

Not only would this state attract the wealthy, but its cities would flourish. From all over the country, and from other countries as well, men would frolick to these utopian cities, where women are well-behaved and in line. Within a generation, women would finally be able to be put in their place. For the first time in decades, a man would be able to beat his wife for talking back, making an inferior meal, or not doing something to lose that ten pounds she's been complaining about for years.

The domestic abuse in this wonderful place wouldn't be the type of abuse Americans are used to. It wouldn't be your typical beer-fueled skank fight that you see among redneck couples. This would be public slapping, punching, and the occasional kick to the snatch in some situations. In much the same way that women slap men for cheating with high schoolers, parents spank their children, and black people yell at their TVs, men would be able to slap their women around to make them act their best.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
When you think about domestic abuse, what do you think of? That's right! A fat, dirty redneck with a PBR in one hand, and roadkill in the other (he beats his wife with both). I'm not taking the women's rights side of the argument - more of men's rights here. I think we, as men, are better than that. There are far more effective and classy ways to punish women for not knowing how to cook a hot dog, or dragging her teeth during oral sex, other than punching them in the head. We're far too awesome for that shit.

Beating women is just low. It's the equivalent of beating the shit out of a child, or terminal cancer patient. Despite how hilarious it may be, we can do better. Think about this shit: what would you rather do if she cooks your steak medium rare when you asked for rare? A.) Beat her, or B.) Have sex with her friend. The obvious answer it B. Why? Well, if you beat your wife, she's going to look pretty ugly. Big bloody lip, black eye, missing a tooth or six. You deserve better than to have sex with someone that ugly. Plus, she'll cry a lot, which will get pretty damn annoying pretty damn fast. This will result in you beating her again, which will in turn make her more ugly. It's a vicious circle. Yet, if you have sex with her friend, not only can you have sex with her friend (who's hotter, by the way), but you can also break the news to your wife and make her realize how it's her fault that you've cheated. "I'm sorry, Jenny, but Kelly actually knowshow to cook. I didn't want to cheat, but maybe if you knew how to make me happy, I wouldn't have to." She'll realize how wrong she is and will immediately take cooking classes, and maybe possibly invite Kelly into the bedroom with the two of you. Far more effective than if you beat her. Plus, she'll keep all of her teeth.

We must remember that women, however annoying they may be, are not children. You can beat a child to make him stop acting like such a dip-shit, but you can't beat a woman into doing so. If she's your wife, she'll leave you and save pictures of her black eye for court, so she has a better case when she takes all of your money. It's not worth it, and on top of that, your friends will make fun of you because a chick with one tooth left you and took your house. The best way for men to take complete control of women is to tell them that their job is in the kitchen, should put out before and after every meal, and they are only to speak when spoken to. They are stupid, so they'll believe this. If you lay one finger on them, though, all her friends and her mother will get their noses in on your business and tell your girl what she should do. Women, when they're alone, cannot think for themselves, but once they get into a group, they're a bitch factory which spouts insanity.
What happens if men were to start beating their wives regularly? We'd get a shit load of ugly chicks. This is unacceptable! I believe that the United States will start to resemble Great Britain or Kentucky with the lack of teeth. Are you really going to want to stick it to a chick if her ex knocked out half of her teeth and gave her a lazy eye? Fuck no, that's gross. When you see these girls on Tyra Banks or Doctor Phil who have overcome domestic abuse, not only do they look like they've been in the ring with Mike Tyson, but they also look like a girl you're never going to see in the bed with me...or anyone...ever...well, except rednecks.

I'll even go out on a limb here and compare chicks to hamburgers. You have a hamburger, it's beautiful and delicious. After you throw your hamburger down the stairs, punch it in the bun a few hundred times, pull some of its sesame seeds off, call it a fat whore, and slap it around, will it still look appetizing after all that?

I'll be honest here - domestic abuse is pretty funny. But we have to realize that just because it's hilarious, doesn't mean that it's the best thing for us. If I see a chick getting tossed down the stairs or beaten with a hammer, I will laugh and it will be a hearty laugh. After I've tired myself out from all of this laughing, I'll start to realize the consequences. This woman that has been getting beaten, she may have been a perfect ten before, is now nothing but a mere two at best. Three teeth, two black eyes, a swollen lip, refined to a wheel chair; yes, it would be a hilarious sight, but once the reality sets in that she used to be a girl that guys would kill to bang, it's heart breaking. It is too high of a price to pay for a good laugh.

Cocoa's Retort:
The abuse wouldn't get out of control. In fact, after the initial novelty of being able to beat your wife wears off, I think that the actual abuse would be sparse. Like how the thought of banging a virgin is better than the actual act ends up being, it will be the thought of knowing that they can be beaten that will help keep women in line. Women do the shit they do now because they feel invincible. They feel untouchable. They can bitch to men all they want because they know we can't punch them. When they're mad, they can throw shit around the house and vandalize our belongings because they know they can get away with it. They can even assault a man, and he's not able to defend himself. Even in the workplace, a woman can get a man fired or in legal trouble for simply making a sexual joke.

With my proposed legalization of beating bitches, all that would cease. Women would stop pulling stupid shit because they knew that there would be repurcussions. And since the women would be more well-behaved, the men would be happier. And if the men are happy, then they would be less assholish to women, which would make them happier and even more well-behaved. After an adjustment cycle, barely any abuse would even be needed anymore. You ever see the videos from the 40s? The women stayed at home, played with the kids, and were always cooking up something delicious. And they were always smiling! They knew they had to, or else they'd end up with a bloody nose and a bruised asshole, like a gay guy tripping up the stairs.

When a girl cheats on her boyfriend, he always goes and beats the other guy's ass. Why is that? Wouldn't it make more sense to kick the girl's ass? After all, she was the one cheating on you; the other guy wasn't cheating on you. But since we can't hit women, we have to go for the next best thing. If your girlfriend learned that you had slept with her sister, you can bet your sweet ass she'd slap you. Repeatedly. Women want the same voting rights as men, the same wages in the workplace, and the opportunities to work the same jobs (which is retarded. Women, don't become construction workers). If they want equality, then we will give them complete equality. Your girlfriend cheats on you, you punch her in the ear. Now try to walk up the stairs to the other guy's apartment without wobbling, bitch.

Fisty's Retort:
Legalizing domestic abuse has one fatal flaw: women are fucking nuts! If she pisses you off, you'll punch her in the mouth; however, if you piss her off, she'll fuck up your car and might take a hammer to your junk in your sleep. We're just thinking about the guy point of view here. "Ah, yes, my wife cooks me dinner and if she doesn't I'll slap her up side the head." More like you slap her upside the head and she'll be feeding you your dick for your next meal. How many guys out there have done something to a girl and have had her completely freak the fuck out over it? Girls overreact over every single fucking thing! Remember that time that you accidentally put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge? Remember how badly she freaked out?

Well, imagine how she'll freak out if you punch her in the mouth? She'll be completely bat-shit crazy and it will be 100% legal for her to throw in some abuse of her own. Girls never forget shit either. If you piss her off, she won't get over it like a sane person would. It will just grow and fester inside of her until she does something about it. I'm not talking about a boxing match here. You better sleep at a friend's house every night and hide all of your power tools.

Legalizing domestic abuse may help the economy for a little bit, but what is it going to do for humanity? Think about it. The rich may beat their wives heavily. Celebrities may toss their women down stairs and beat them with a hammer, but when all is said and done, who's going to be sticking it to these women? Who's going to want a woman like that? Who's fucked up enough to stick it to a chick with a broken jaw, pouty face, lazy eye, and a total of three teeth? Rednecks. Assuming that these women can still have babies, the only people who'll be reproducing will be the rednecks. They will be the scavengers in this new world, picking up the women that the rich and non-losers no longer want. They're rich and can get any woman they want, so why bang a chick who looks like a black and blue version of the Michelin Man? No one will want these women. They're disgusting!

A good point is with Rihanna; she was a smoking hot chick. I would have loved to devastate that vagina like a 20-pound baby. Apparently, Rihanna didn't know how to properly prepare oatmeal or something, because Chris Brown beat the shit out of her. I'm sure that everyone has caught a glimpse of what she looked like after he laid the smack down on her ass...dis-fucking-gusting! I wouldn't let my penis go within a 100-mile radius of her after that. She resembled what it would look like if a zombie who was allergic to bees and got stung in the face a couple thousand times. Not very sexy at all. No sir.

If domestic abuse gets legalized, much like the movie Idiocracy, rednecks will run the world of the future. This is a disturbing thought which nearly brings me to tears just thinking about. So ask yourself: can we let that happen to our species? No, we cannot.

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