Thursday, December 3, 2009

Anal Sex

Anal sex has been a staple of pornos and gay bars for years and years. Every guy wants to give it, but few girls want to receive it. In many states, sodomy - even straight sodomy - is illegal. Is anal sex awesome enough to bother breaking the law - and your girlfriend's will? Fisty and Cocoa battle the shit out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Doing a chick in the ass may be the holy grail of sex, but is it really worth it? No. In all my years of boning, I've barely managed to convince any chick into letting me stick it in her ass. My anal sex to sex ratio seems dangerously off. I try, I try, I try, but no girls will ever let me stretch their rectums, and many men share my problem. I'd like to believe that my penis is too big. I could bang a girl all over the place in every position in the time it takes for me to unsuccessfully talk her into butt sex. It's something that is nice to do, but why even bother? It's like driving thirty miles to get an extra two cents off gas. Yeah, there might be some benefit, but it's more trouble than it's worth.

This is how it usually goes when I bring up the topic of anal, "NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I will never do that again! I've done it once with some other guy, and never again!" Fuck you, bitch! I will break your legs! Why can't I ever be that guy who's made her hate anal? Why does every single girl seem to have done it only once before and hated it? I could liquor up the girl, work all my sexy moves and nothing works. It's not because I'm bad with women, quite the opposite. I could persuade a girl to orally please road kill, but when it comes to my penis in her ass, it's a big no-no. That bitch.

Some whores don't even do anal. Jenna Jameson, for instance, one of the biggest sluts out there, refuses to take it in the ass! If a girl who's had sex with thousands of dudes, while millions more masturbate to it, doesn't do anal, that has to tell you something. She's either stupid, or she has a huge problem with anal like most chicks. She's willing to be gang banged by total strangers, but once a penis goes near her ass, she's got a problem with that.

Anal sex is just too much damn work for it to be worth it. And really, it's not that great. I give it about a 5 out of 10. I compare the fight for anal sex to the movie Transformers. That movie should have kicked ass. I waited for it for a long ass time. I heard about it how awesome it was. I was expecting an action-packed movie with giant robots and Megan Fox, and what do I get? A shitty Michael Bay movie with Shia LaDouche. Much like anal sex - a lot of expectation for a big let down. Anal sex is the sexual equivalent of a Michael Bay movie: it looks like it could be cool, but it's just shitty.

Give me vaginal sex any day. It rocks and it's easy to get. Can you get let down with it? Sure, but do you get shit on your dick? Hell no! You just have to persuade a girl to have sex with you (Sometimes you don't even have to do that. Thank you vodka!), and you won't have to go the extra mile for something that feels relatively the same, only in a different hole.

Glen Cocoa's Take:

Anal is definitely a wonderful thing. It's not that it necessarily feels better than vaginal sex - it's the thought of it that makes it appealing. The taboo-esque nature of it. Anal is like the man's version of emotional sex. Women feel like sex is better when they have an emotional connection to their partners. To women, sex is instinctively about feeling protected and cared for. When she feels like her man cares about her, her body lets her get into sex more. For men, sex is about domination. Male lions don't snuggle with their women after boning them. A lion will fuck a lioness, then move on to the next broad. So for us, when we fuck a chick in the ass, we own that girl. Anyone can come along and bone a girl. But it takes some real manliness or cunning or charisma (or brute force, if you're raping her) to get a girl to take anal.

If a girl will let you shove what you pee with into what she poops with, you are in charge of that broad. I was with a girl a while back, and the first time she was on the rag, I did her in the ass instead. She was a feisty little one, always bitching and complaining. But when I shoved it in her ass, all that ceased. I never took anatomy in high school, so I don't know what I was hitting, but I was about 5 or 6 inches in, and poking something. I don't know whether that's healthy or not, but rest assured, there's no complaining about your friends or asking you where she should get her brakes changed when you're literally pounding her internal organs with your penis. Maybe she got some shit streaks across her pancreas, who knows. All I know is that it was complete harmony. I've been boning girls who talk all the time during sex - and about nothing important or relevant. One girl even told me, while I was banging her, about how she did...actually, you...the day before, like it was normal conversation. Never does that happen during anal. The only sounds coming out of a girl's mouth during anal are usually muffled screams, followed by me yelling "Shout at the pillow, not at me!"

As an added bonus, as if the feeling of domination and the assured solitude weren't enough, anal is like cheating without actually cheating. Because doing a girl in the ass feels so much different than vaginal sex, you can feel like you're cheating without having to go through all the work of finding a girl, lying to her about your old age, non-existent job, girlfriend, and plethora of STDs. And, since you're technically banging your girlfriend, you can't get caught. Perfect!

Top that one, bitch. You've got Michael Bay and failure in your argument, whereas mine consists of owning women, shutting them up, cheating without the repurcussions, and complete ass kickery. You just got served.

Fisty's Retort:
You can dominate girls without getting a headache and the possibility of getting a nice turd or piece of corn on your dick. Girls can be dominated with simple doggy-style sex. You can smack her ass, pull her hair, punch her in the back of the head, yell at her and tell her about how her daddy never loved her. Not only that, but the time you would've spent talking her into anal could be used to talk her into kinkier kinds of sex or even a threeway. It's far more fun and less trouble. Why put yourself through extra work for little reward? Girls like sex that hurts, but they also like sex that feels good at the same time. You can completely devastate her vagina and she'll love every minute of it, but from what I've gathered from chicks, anal sex doesn't feel good whatsoever (unless they're whores who'll let guys stick it in any hole at anytime).

If a girl is on her period, doing her in the ass is a little too close to her bleeding vagina. So not only would you get shit all over your dick, but you're going to get blood all over your balls too. When a girl is on her period, I'm going to stick my dick everywhere above her belly button. You can have a shitload of fun without having to go south of the border. You can have her give you a hand job, then fuck her face and finish off with a swift-ass pearl necklace. And the best thing is, there's no clean up afterward (not for you anyways; she, however, has spooge all over her neck and face).

Cocoa's Retort:
Girls actually usually like anal sex, once they've had it a few times. It's just like regular sex. The first time or two will cause some ripping and new kinds of stretching, but once they're used to it, they like it. The odds of getting something on your dick are pretty slim. It's not like there's a stockpile of shit right inside the asshole. There are two serparate sphincters that connect, in a way, when you shit. You've fingered your ass in the shower now and then when you had that really sticky shit that just wouldn't wipe away, or when you're trying to cure the 'roids. Did your finger come out all shitty? No. The only little bit of shit that could have been on your finger would have been the residue left over from your last shit. You can get weird stuff from the vagina too. You can have some leftover blood from her period on your dick. You can have that white stuff that girls get from birth control (or vaginitis, depending on who you're banging).

I'm not saying that anal is an everyday sport, but it is definitely worth getting a girl to do from time to time. Especially when she's on the rag. She'll be having pretty bad cramps anyways, and when you nail her in the ass so hard she feels like her stomach is getting pushed out through her belly button, her menstrual cramps don't seem so bad anymore, do they?

Sure, some can argue that you can just get your girl to give you head when she's ragging, but most girls aren't very good at head. And with anal, a girl can't really be bad at it. You have no expectations for a girl to do anything during anal. With vaginal, you expect the girl to be on top, to move around, to take the cock like a champ. But with anal, even with an experienced anal taker, you still just only expect the girl to take it without screaming too loudly or trying to kick you away. And if you do it right, you can bang her without having to see or feel the string.

Fun Reading:

How to correctly have anal sex

Anal sex toys

Anal sex statistics

An attempt at anal gone wrong


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