Thursday, December 17, 2009

Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is when a husband, or wife (if the man's a pussy), beats his/her spouse. This can be caused by a multitude of reasons: dominance, a horribly cooked dinner, showing off to friends/co-workers, etc. Domestic abuse, though illegal, was largely accepted and rarely prosecuted up until the women's rights movement. At this point, women started going to college, started getting real jobs, stopped waiting on men hand and foot, and stopped enjoying being beaten. Is the world a better place now that women are presented the illusion that they're equal to men? Or is it a good thing thing that domestic abuse is against the law? Let's debate this bitch out.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I have a proposal: I feel that a state should take on the issue of domestic abuse. Whereas some states (California, Michigan, etc) have legalized medical marijuana, others (Massachusetts, Vermont, etc) have legalized gay marriage, and Nevada has legalized prostitution, the next logical step in this progression is a state legalizing domestic abuse.

Sure, some people may think that beating women is wrong or immoral or too easy to even be fun, but that's why we should try it out in one state to see how it works. And it will be a great way to jump start the economy. Opponents may contend that the only people who would move to an area with legalized domestic abuse are rednecks, but they are mistaken. Those people don't care if it's legal - they'll do it wherever. No, my friend, the people who would move to this state are the high rollers, the people with big money from the big cities. These are people who live under constant scrutiny by the public (celebrities, politicians, etc), and who can't afford to beat their wives, for these men know that their wives have the divorce papers in hand, just waiting for the husband to slip up so that they can get a better settlement. These are men with lots to lose.

Not only would this state attract the wealthy, but its cities would flourish. From all over the country, and from other countries as well, men would frolick to these utopian cities, where women are well-behaved and in line. Within a generation, women would finally be able to be put in their place. For the first time in decades, a man would be able to beat his wife for talking back, making an inferior meal, or not doing something to lose that ten pounds she's been complaining about for years.

The domestic abuse in this wonderful place wouldn't be the type of abuse Americans are used to. It wouldn't be your typical beer-fueled skank fight that you see among redneck couples. This would be public slapping, punching, and the occasional kick to the snatch in some situations. In much the same way that women slap men for cheating with high schoolers, parents spank their children, and black people yell at their TVs, men would be able to slap their women around to make them act their best.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
When you think about domestic abuse, what do you think of? That's right! A fat, dirty redneck with a PBR in one hand, and roadkill in the other (he beats his wife with both). I'm not taking the women's rights side of the argument - more of men's rights here. I think we, as men, are better than that. There are far more effective and classy ways to punish women for not knowing how to cook a hot dog, or dragging her teeth during oral sex, other than punching them in the head. We're far too awesome for that shit.

Beating women is just low. It's the equivalent of beating the shit out of a child, or terminal cancer patient. Despite how hilarious it may be, we can do better. Think about this shit: what would you rather do if she cooks your steak medium rare when you asked for rare? A.) Beat her, or B.) Have sex with her friend. The obvious answer it B. Why? Well, if you beat your wife, she's going to look pretty ugly. Big bloody lip, black eye, missing a tooth or six. You deserve better than to have sex with someone that ugly. Plus, she'll cry a lot, which will get pretty damn annoying pretty damn fast. This will result in you beating her again, which will in turn make her more ugly. It's a vicious circle. Yet, if you have sex with her friend, not only can you have sex with her friend (who's hotter, by the way), but you can also break the news to your wife and make her realize how it's her fault that you've cheated. "I'm sorry, Jenny, but Kelly actually knowshow to cook. I didn't want to cheat, but maybe if you knew how to make me happy, I wouldn't have to." She'll realize how wrong she is and will immediately take cooking classes, and maybe possibly invite Kelly into the bedroom with the two of you. Far more effective than if you beat her. Plus, she'll keep all of her teeth.

We must remember that women, however annoying they may be, are not children. You can beat a child to make him stop acting like such a dip-shit, but you can't beat a woman into doing so. If she's your wife, she'll leave you and save pictures of her black eye for court, so she has a better case when she takes all of your money. It's not worth it, and on top of that, your friends will make fun of you because a chick with one tooth left you and took your house. The best way for men to take complete control of women is to tell them that their job is in the kitchen, should put out before and after every meal, and they are only to speak when spoken to. They are stupid, so they'll believe this. If you lay one finger on them, though, all her friends and her mother will get their noses in on your business and tell your girl what she should do. Women, when they're alone, cannot think for themselves, but once they get into a group, they're a bitch factory which spouts insanity.
What happens if men were to start beating their wives regularly? We'd get a shit load of ugly chicks. This is unacceptable! I believe that the United States will start to resemble Great Britain or Kentucky with the lack of teeth. Are you really going to want to stick it to a chick if her ex knocked out half of her teeth and gave her a lazy eye? Fuck no, that's gross. When you see these girls on Tyra Banks or Doctor Phil who have overcome domestic abuse, not only do they look like they've been in the ring with Mike Tyson, but they also look like a girl you're never going to see in the bed with me...or anyone...ever...well, except rednecks.

I'll even go out on a limb here and compare chicks to hamburgers. You have a hamburger, it's beautiful and delicious. After you throw your hamburger down the stairs, punch it in the bun a few hundred times, pull some of its sesame seeds off, call it a fat whore, and slap it around, will it still look appetizing after all that?

I'll be honest here - domestic abuse is pretty funny. But we have to realize that just because it's hilarious, doesn't mean that it's the best thing for us. If I see a chick getting tossed down the stairs or beaten with a hammer, I will laugh and it will be a hearty laugh. After I've tired myself out from all of this laughing, I'll start to realize the consequences. This woman that has been getting beaten, she may have been a perfect ten before, is now nothing but a mere two at best. Three teeth, two black eyes, a swollen lip, refined to a wheel chair; yes, it would be a hilarious sight, but once the reality sets in that she used to be a girl that guys would kill to bang, it's heart breaking. It is too high of a price to pay for a good laugh.

Cocoa's Retort:
The abuse wouldn't get out of control. In fact, after the initial novelty of being able to beat your wife wears off, I think that the actual abuse would be sparse. Like how the thought of banging a virgin is better than the actual act ends up being, it will be the thought of knowing that they can be beaten that will help keep women in line. Women do the shit they do now because they feel invincible. They feel untouchable. They can bitch to men all they want because they know we can't punch them. When they're mad, they can throw shit around the house and vandalize our belongings because they know they can get away with it. They can even assault a man, and he's not able to defend himself. Even in the workplace, a woman can get a man fired or in legal trouble for simply making a sexual joke.

With my proposed legalization of beating bitches, all that would cease. Women would stop pulling stupid shit because they knew that there would be repurcussions. And since the women would be more well-behaved, the men would be happier. And if the men are happy, then they would be less assholish to women, which would make them happier and even more well-behaved. After an adjustment cycle, barely any abuse would even be needed anymore. You ever see the videos from the 40s? The women stayed at home, played with the kids, and were always cooking up something delicious. And they were always smiling! They knew they had to, or else they'd end up with a bloody nose and a bruised asshole, like a gay guy tripping up the stairs.

When a girl cheats on her boyfriend, he always goes and beats the other guy's ass. Why is that? Wouldn't it make more sense to kick the girl's ass? After all, she was the one cheating on you; the other guy wasn't cheating on you. But since we can't hit women, we have to go for the next best thing. If your girlfriend learned that you had slept with her sister, you can bet your sweet ass she'd slap you. Repeatedly. Women want the same voting rights as men, the same wages in the workplace, and the opportunities to work the same jobs (which is retarded. Women, don't become construction workers). If they want equality, then we will give them complete equality. Your girlfriend cheats on you, you punch her in the ear. Now try to walk up the stairs to the other guy's apartment without wobbling, bitch.

Fisty's Retort:
Legalizing domestic abuse has one fatal flaw: women are fucking nuts! If she pisses you off, you'll punch her in the mouth; however, if you piss her off, she'll fuck up your car and might take a hammer to your junk in your sleep. We're just thinking about the guy point of view here. "Ah, yes, my wife cooks me dinner and if she doesn't I'll slap her up side the head." More like you slap her upside the head and she'll be feeding you your dick for your next meal. How many guys out there have done something to a girl and have had her completely freak the fuck out over it? Girls overreact over every single fucking thing! Remember that time that you accidentally put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge? Remember how badly she freaked out?

Well, imagine how she'll freak out if you punch her in the mouth? She'll be completely bat-shit crazy and it will be 100% legal for her to throw in some abuse of her own. Girls never forget shit either. If you piss her off, she won't get over it like a sane person would. It will just grow and fester inside of her until she does something about it. I'm not talking about a boxing match here. You better sleep at a friend's house every night and hide all of your power tools.

Legalizing domestic abuse may help the economy for a little bit, but what is it going to do for humanity? Think about it. The rich may beat their wives heavily. Celebrities may toss their women down stairs and beat them with a hammer, but when all is said and done, who's going to be sticking it to these women? Who's going to want a woman like that? Who's fucked up enough to stick it to a chick with a broken jaw, pouty face, lazy eye, and a total of three teeth? Rednecks. Assuming that these women can still have babies, the only people who'll be reproducing will be the rednecks. They will be the scavengers in this new world, picking up the women that the rich and non-losers no longer want. They're rich and can get any woman they want, so why bang a chick who looks like a black and blue version of the Michelin Man? No one will want these women. They're disgusting!

A good point is with Rihanna; she was a smoking hot chick. I would have loved to devastate that vagina like a 20-pound baby. Apparently, Rihanna didn't know how to properly prepare oatmeal or something, because Chris Brown beat the shit out of her. I'm sure that everyone has caught a glimpse of what she looked like after he laid the smack down on her ass...dis-fucking-gusting! I wouldn't let my penis go within a 100-mile radius of her after that. She resembled what it would look like if a zombie who was allergic to bees and got stung in the face a couple thousand times. Not very sexy at all. No sir.

If domestic abuse gets legalized, much like the movie Idiocracy, rednecks will run the world of the future. This is a disturbing thought which nearly brings me to tears just thinking about. So ask yourself: can we let that happen to our species? No, we cannot.

Fun Reading:

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Anal Sex

Anal sex has been a staple of pornos and gay bars for years and years. Every guy wants to give it, but few girls want to receive it. In many states, sodomy - even straight sodomy - is illegal. Is anal sex awesome enough to bother breaking the law - and your girlfriend's will? Fisty and Cocoa battle the shit out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Doing a chick in the ass may be the holy grail of sex, but is it really worth it? No. In all my years of boning, I've barely managed to convince any chick into letting me stick it in her ass. My anal sex to sex ratio seems dangerously off. I try, I try, I try, but no girls will ever let me stretch their rectums, and many men share my problem. I'd like to believe that my penis is too big. I could bang a girl all over the place in every position in the time it takes for me to unsuccessfully talk her into butt sex. It's something that is nice to do, but why even bother? It's like driving thirty miles to get an extra two cents off gas. Yeah, there might be some benefit, but it's more trouble than it's worth.

This is how it usually goes when I bring up the topic of anal, "NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I will never do that again! I've done it once with some other guy, and never again!" Fuck you, bitch! I will break your legs! Why can't I ever be that guy who's made her hate anal? Why does every single girl seem to have done it only once before and hated it? I could liquor up the girl, work all my sexy moves and nothing works. It's not because I'm bad with women, quite the opposite. I could persuade a girl to orally please road kill, but when it comes to my penis in her ass, it's a big no-no. That bitch.

Some whores don't even do anal. Jenna Jameson, for instance, one of the biggest sluts out there, refuses to take it in the ass! If a girl who's had sex with thousands of dudes, while millions more masturbate to it, doesn't do anal, that has to tell you something. She's either stupid, or she has a huge problem with anal like most chicks. She's willing to be gang banged by total strangers, but once a penis goes near her ass, she's got a problem with that.

Anal sex is just too much damn work for it to be worth it. And really, it's not that great. I give it about a 5 out of 10. I compare the fight for anal sex to the movie Transformers. That movie should have kicked ass. I waited for it for a long ass time. I heard about it how awesome it was. I was expecting an action-packed movie with giant robots and Megan Fox, and what do I get? A shitty Michael Bay movie with Shia LaDouche. Much like anal sex - a lot of expectation for a big let down. Anal sex is the sexual equivalent of a Michael Bay movie: it looks like it could be cool, but it's just shitty.

Give me vaginal sex any day. It rocks and it's easy to get. Can you get let down with it? Sure, but do you get shit on your dick? Hell no! You just have to persuade a girl to have sex with you (Sometimes you don't even have to do that. Thank you vodka!), and you won't have to go the extra mile for something that feels relatively the same, only in a different hole.

Glen Cocoa's Take:

Anal is definitely a wonderful thing. It's not that it necessarily feels better than vaginal sex - it's the thought of it that makes it appealing. The taboo-esque nature of it. Anal is like the man's version of emotional sex. Women feel like sex is better when they have an emotional connection to their partners. To women, sex is instinctively about feeling protected and cared for. When she feels like her man cares about her, her body lets her get into sex more. For men, sex is about domination. Male lions don't snuggle with their women after boning them. A lion will fuck a lioness, then move on to the next broad. So for us, when we fuck a chick in the ass, we own that girl. Anyone can come along and bone a girl. But it takes some real manliness or cunning or charisma (or brute force, if you're raping her) to get a girl to take anal.

If a girl will let you shove what you pee with into what she poops with, you are in charge of that broad. I was with a girl a while back, and the first time she was on the rag, I did her in the ass instead. She was a feisty little one, always bitching and complaining. But when I shoved it in her ass, all that ceased. I never took anatomy in high school, so I don't know what I was hitting, but I was about 5 or 6 inches in, and poking something. I don't know whether that's healthy or not, but rest assured, there's no complaining about your friends or asking you where she should get her brakes changed when you're literally pounding her internal organs with your penis. Maybe she got some shit streaks across her pancreas, who knows. All I know is that it was complete harmony. I've been boning girls who talk all the time during sex - and about nothing important or relevant. One girl even told me, while I was banging her, about how she did...actually, you...the day before, like it was normal conversation. Never does that happen during anal. The only sounds coming out of a girl's mouth during anal are usually muffled screams, followed by me yelling "Shout at the pillow, not at me!"

As an added bonus, as if the feeling of domination and the assured solitude weren't enough, anal is like cheating without actually cheating. Because doing a girl in the ass feels so much different than vaginal sex, you can feel like you're cheating without having to go through all the work of finding a girl, lying to her about your old age, non-existent job, girlfriend, and plethora of STDs. And, since you're technically banging your girlfriend, you can't get caught. Perfect!

Top that one, bitch. You've got Michael Bay and failure in your argument, whereas mine consists of owning women, shutting them up, cheating without the repurcussions, and complete ass kickery. You just got served.

Fisty's Retort:
You can dominate girls without getting a headache and the possibility of getting a nice turd or piece of corn on your dick. Girls can be dominated with simple doggy-style sex. You can smack her ass, pull her hair, punch her in the back of the head, yell at her and tell her about how her daddy never loved her. Not only that, but the time you would've spent talking her into anal could be used to talk her into kinkier kinds of sex or even a threeway. It's far more fun and less trouble. Why put yourself through extra work for little reward? Girls like sex that hurts, but they also like sex that feels good at the same time. You can completely devastate her vagina and she'll love every minute of it, but from what I've gathered from chicks, anal sex doesn't feel good whatsoever (unless they're whores who'll let guys stick it in any hole at anytime).

If a girl is on her period, doing her in the ass is a little too close to her bleeding vagina. So not only would you get shit all over your dick, but you're going to get blood all over your balls too. When a girl is on her period, I'm going to stick my dick everywhere above her belly button. You can have a shitload of fun without having to go south of the border. You can have her give you a hand job, then fuck her face and finish off with a swift-ass pearl necklace. And the best thing is, there's no clean up afterward (not for you anyways; she, however, has spooge all over her neck and face).

Cocoa's Retort:
Girls actually usually like anal sex, once they've had it a few times. It's just like regular sex. The first time or two will cause some ripping and new kinds of stretching, but once they're used to it, they like it. The odds of getting something on your dick are pretty slim. It's not like there's a stockpile of shit right inside the asshole. There are two serparate sphincters that connect, in a way, when you shit. You've fingered your ass in the shower now and then when you had that really sticky shit that just wouldn't wipe away, or when you're trying to cure the 'roids. Did your finger come out all shitty? No. The only little bit of shit that could have been on your finger would have been the residue left over from your last shit. You can get weird stuff from the vagina too. You can have some leftover blood from her period on your dick. You can have that white stuff that girls get from birth control (or vaginitis, depending on who you're banging).

I'm not saying that anal is an everyday sport, but it is definitely worth getting a girl to do from time to time. Especially when she's on the rag. She'll be having pretty bad cramps anyways, and when you nail her in the ass so hard she feels like her stomach is getting pushed out through her belly button, her menstrual cramps don't seem so bad anymore, do they?

Sure, some can argue that you can just get your girl to give you head when she's ragging, but most girls aren't very good at head. And with anal, a girl can't really be bad at it. You have no expectations for a girl to do anything during anal. With vaginal, you expect the girl to be on top, to move around, to take the cock like a champ. But with anal, even with an experienced anal taker, you still just only expect the girl to take it without screaming too loudly or trying to kick you away. And if you do it right, you can bang her without having to see or feel the string.

Fun Reading:

How to correctly have anal sex

Anal sex toys

Anal sex statistics

An attempt at anal gone wrong