Saturday, November 14, 2009


Hunting is defined as "the practice of pursuing living animals for food, recreation, or trade." In reality, hunting is defined as "gay." Hunting has been around for millions of years, and, believe it or not, used to be incredibly bad ass for millions of years. Dinosaurs would hunt each other and kill each other with their bare teeth. Cavemen would slap the piss out of sabertooth tigers, then use the teeth from the dead tigers to kill even more sabertooth tigers. How manly is that? Sometime between the last ice age and now, hunting has gotten pretty lame and pussy-like. What the hell has happened? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Hunting is gay as hell. Don't worry, I'm not one of those animal rights homos who think cruelty to animals is wrong. I actually think that cruelty to animals kicks ass and that more animals should die. Any dude who's into animals rights should have his testicles removed, then donated to science to determine how someone with nuts could be such a wimp. I hate animals just as much as the next person, but hunting has lost its way and has made the sexy act of killing animals seem incredibly gay-tastic. Anything lower than me pisses me off. If it's not me, having sex with me, or doing shots with me...or a puppy, it deserves to die. This is an awesome truth. When killing animals, people should be having a hell of a lot of fun.

Hunting doesn't even seem like it's made for people who like to kill animals anymore, because if you're not stapling your neighbor's dog to a tree, then you don't enjoy killing animals...and I'm a man who likes to kill animals. The way that people hunt is just lame as hell. Stuck in a treehouse with a bunch of dudes sniping animals? Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I would much rather take a sledge hammer to a petting zoo and have myself a grand ol' time. It's incredible how hunters can make killing animals seem like a chore rather than the gleefully fun event it should be.

What kind of a lesson is hunting teaching people? I always hear hunters brag about how they're going to get up at five in the morning then wait in the woods for ten hours just to shoot at a deer which will probably get away. What kind of a activity requires people to sit and wait for something to happen? That's not a way to go through life! If I sat and waited for my neighbor's kid to get beaten or the retarded girl down the road to get raped, I would be a very bored man. I go out and make things happen.

Here's how hunting should be played out: instead of sitting in a tree and being a loser, you corral all the annoying animals into one large, fenced-in area. You'll have deer, bears, mountain lions...retarded kids - all together. You go in and have to fight your way through this area, armed with nothing but what you can find in your own garage (hammers, bats, staple guns, crow bars, tire irons, your kid's bike, your car, a fake Christmas tree, so on and so forth...). You go in there and (forgive me for sounding like a British homo) have yourself a bloody good time mutilating every animal in sight.

Sadly, there's no hands-on approach to hunting anymore and I really have no respect for anyone who kills anything with a gun either. Killing with a gun is so impersonal and wimpy. You stay at a nice and safe distance away so you won't get hurt by those scary deer. Really, do you have to be that far away from the deer? Deer are some of the most skittish animals known to man. Have you ever been charged at by a deer? Hunting makes wimps out of men; if you were any kind of a man, you could take down cute animals with either your bare hands or a large blunt object.

Despite all this, I believe that many hunters have the power in them to do what needs to be done to be less of ass hats, if only their favorite activity required them to do more than the bare minimum. If hunting were the way it should be, only the manliest of men would risk it all to go out and hunt. Hunting should really separate the men from the boys, and should no longer be a family event. Unfortunately, dads take their wives and children out with hopes that they might kill some deer. It's become the equivalent of a family picnic. When I was a kid, my school didn't even have class on the first day of deer season because nobody would show up anyway. How can a sport be manly and respectable if a 12-year-old can do it effectively? Women and children should not be involved in anything, unless we're talking about cleaning and/or abuse.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I agree that hunting is gay and it would be a much more enjoyable sport if hunters were to actually beat down animals rather than being huddled up in a tiny hut. A lot of my beef is with the people who perform the hunting. It's like clubbing - it sounds like a good idea in theory: a bunch of slutty girls getting drunk and flopping their boobs around to music that's so loud you can't possibly hear what the girls are saying. Unfortunately, there are lots of skeezy guys, annoying whores, and people who request Kanye in attendance at these places, thereby making the experience unenjoyable. Hunting, by and large, is done by rednecks, hicks, and other losers who predominantly live in the woods. The thought of killing an animal and eating it is a great thought, but it loses a lot of its appeal when you know you have to be hanging out with some toothless fuck who bitches about the "goddamn gooks" taking our jobs away with Kias. Look, fuck face, buying your neighbor's '78 Ford pickup for 500 bucks doesn't create any American jobs either. And your wife's PT Cruiser was made in Mexico.

These days, hunters justify hunting as "thinning out the numbers of the animals", yet I still nearly hit a million deer with my car every winter. It's not that fucking hard to kill a deer. You're not some type of superiorly manly man because you can shoot one of those creatures.

A lot of hunters can't even fucking hunt. Take a look at bird shot, for instance. Bird shot? It's that type of bullet that's really fifty little BBs wedged into one casing so that instead of actually having to be a good shot, a hunter can just shoot in the general direction of a bird and take it down. This is the type of man who calls himself manly? First of all, he's not even a good shot if his accuracy is so bad he needs to shoot fifty BBs at once just to possibly hit his target. Secondly, he's spending his time killing a fucking bird. How much meat can you possibly get from a bird? If it can be killed by a BB, it's either too small and too stupid for me to want to consume it.

I don't feel manly after eating some stupid five-pound bird with retarded looking legs who spends his whole day eating dirty worms. I've never eaten a woolly mammoth, but I bet if I did, my pubes would grow about three inches every meal. That's a manly creature, and eating it would surely make you manlier. Instead, hunters shoot worthless, helpless animals like birds and rabbits. Good job, pussy, you can hide in a tree (and in case of rabbits, use a dog) to stealthily shoot an animal that's roughly 3% of your size. And I'm gay for not hunting?

Hunters were in their prime back in the stone ages. Cavemen were the epitome of manliness and pretty much wiped out the entire mammoth population by themselves. An average caveman probably weighed about 180 pounds, while a mammoth weighed roughly 6 tons. So think about that; someone relatively small taking down something huge with nothing but a stick. These stone age hunters didn't complain one bit. They would kill these giant animals, skin them while they were still warm, drag them back home to their women (and they had many women), and eat a hearty meal. Cavemen would even use the skin to wear around, often while killing other mammoths. Now that's manly. It's almost as awesome and manly as making your girlfriend wear your secretary's panties.

Nowadays, to make themselves believe they're manly, hunters will mount the heads of their kills on their dining room walls. Let me tell you something - if I had a daily reminder of a cold-ass January morning when I covered myself in deer piss that I paid money for, sat in a hut with my buddy while we were wearing matching outfits, and shot at an unsuspecting animal who was trying to provide for his family, I'd be pretty damn embarrassed.

Fuck, a few years back, my cat wandered into the swamp across the road, caught a mink that was twice his size, dragged it across the road, up the driveway and into my basement, tortured it for about a half hour, and then killed it. He didn't eat the mink; he just did this for fun. All this, and he's a house cat. He gets fed cat food twice a day and spends his days licking salt off of my fingers and licking at the empty sack where his balls used to be. And yet, he's still manlier than hunters.

Fun Reading:
Douche bags
How pussified hunting brings families together
How to take kids hunting...not how to hunt kids, unfortunately

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