Friday, November 6, 2009


Abortions have been committed since antiquity. The ancient Greeks even sometimes used poisonous herbs to perform them. In modern-day America, abortion is mostly legal. It's surrounded by controversy, but in most states in America, it's legal in some form. Women are determined little critters, and even if a woman lives in a county with no abortion doctor, she will travel to a town that has one. Today, there are two main methods used to perform them: the vacuum and the pill (sounds like a good name for a Disney movie). When you knock your girlfriend up and force her at knifepoint to have an abortion, which method should you choose? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Thankfully, I've never had a reason (to my knowledge) to force a girl into getting an abortion. I usually use condoms and completely lose contact with the girl after I sleep with her, never to see her again. So if I knocked any one of them up, I'd have no idea because they'd be trying to hit up some successfully rich Wall Street investor (which I usually tell women I am so they'll sleep with me) for child support. However, if I fuck up and I end up getting a girl pregnant AND she knows who I am, some good has to come out of it, and what could be better than an abortion? An abortion with a vacuum cleaner, of course!

I could see the convenience of popping a pill and getting an abortion, but c'mon! It's a fucking abortion! Have some damn fun with it. Popping a pill for an abortion is like skipping to the end of a movie, or breaking up with a girl before you've had a chance to cheat on her. How many times are you going to knock up a girl and have her get an abortion? Not many times. I'm sure that most men can count how many abortions they've been responsible for on one hand (or one broken condom). So when you have a girl who'll be getting an abortion, make it count! She's pregnant, she pops a pill - POOF! Baby's gone. What fun was that? I don't know how the procedure works, but I'm pretty sure it's something like this: she's pregnant, she gets a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up in her cooter and the doctor sucks the baby out in chunks. Try to think about that without cracking a smile. It's impossible! It's just too hilarious!

I like to imagine that it would look something like the plastic surgery shows, where the fat chick gets the fat sucked out of her ass with that pointy hose, from there it goes through the clear tube into a big bucket thing. Now just imagine if all that fat were a baby. Pretty awesome, eh? Delicious. The outcome would be the exact same as well. It always shows like three weeks later, the formerly fat chick is all happy and dancing and shit. It would be the exact same thing for a woman getting an abortion. She gets that thing sucked out of her snatch and then short afterward, she'll be happy and dancing and shit. But you would have to put a stop to that immediately. Chicks being happy and dancing is incredibly annoying. Put her in her place and have her make you a sandwich.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Although it's great that we can both agree that abortions kick complete ass, I have to contend that the pill is definitely the way to go. Essentially, what the pill does is it induces a miscarriage, a process that takes a couple days (in all actuality, the pill is a combination of pills, like a baby-killing cocktail). Everyone knows that it's completely a girl's fault if she gets pregnant. Sure, the guy could have worn a condom, but the girl could have made him wear a condom. See? It's always her fault. And ladies, when a guy spooges inside you, a minute after you stand up, it all drips out anyways. So if your body absorbs it enough in that amount of time that you can still get pregnant, then that's a fault of yours. So, since the pill causes horrible cramps for a couple days while it's working, let that be a lesson learned for the girl. When you try to wrestle a bear, and it mauls your ass, you don't fuck with bears anymore. When a girl gets pregnant and has to suffer with horrible pains because of it, maybe she'll stop getting pregnant. When she just gets it vacuumed out, it's just a few minutes of pain, and she probably won't learn her lesson.

And even if you're in love with your girlfriend (funny, I know) and feel horrible that you got her pregnant, there's a plus side for you too. Hopefully this travesty only happens once. And in order to make peace with something, you have to have fun with it. In the same way that Dane Cook can tell jokes about his parents' deaths, so too must you be able to find some joy in your situation. Because the pill takes a couple days to do its marvelous deed, your girlfriend can do all kinds of things while she's having an abortion, like going to a theme park. Once your girlfriend's pain, shame, embarrassment, murderous and whorish feelings, and overall thinking that she's a horrible person subside, she'll be able to reflect back on the situation and say things like "I had an abortion while riding a roller coaster." When a girl's in a stirrup in a doctor's office on a street lined with protesters with a narrow hose stuck up her snatch, she doesn't have the pleasure of being able to say that, does she?

And it's the same with you. You can pitch the story in all different ways when sharing stories with your buddies. "When my girlfriend was having an abortion, I was drunk in Vegas, playing roulette." You don't have to tell them that she was right next to you the whole time, although in horrible pain as her body passed mangled bits of baby through her vagina into a maxi pad that she had to change every couple hours because of the excessive bleeding. Go on a road trip as soon as your girlfriend takes the pill. Then when you break up and you're going through the 'my ex is a whore' phase, you can tell everyone how many states she had an abortion in.

Fisty's Retort:
While I do agree with you that it's completely the girl's fault for getting pregnant, the pill is just not the way to go. I don't trust pills at all. Your girl can pop a pill and the baby may die, but what if it doesn't? You'll be out $300 and on top of that, be paying child support for a retarded baby. Doesn't that suck? Just think about it, let it sink in: Not only will you have a kid, but it will be retarded and possibly will be missing a leg or an arm or have a washboard for a forehead! Yeah, and it won't be the funny kind of retard either. This is the kind you have to pay child support for. Any kid who gets part of your paycheck better be a genius who discovers how to make a date-rape drug from common household foods.

It's best to stick with the good old vacuum cleaner abortion. It's fail-proof. Pretty much, you don't take that suction out until you have the entire baby in a baggie. That way, you know for sure it's out. With the pill, you're playing a waiting game. The girl takes the pill, and you have to wait a few days for her to stop bleeding, then she has to go back to the doctor and get tested again. Sounds like a shitty few days to me. And the more days that she's bleeding from the pill-induced abortion, the less time you're having sex with her. With the vacuum, you can bang her in the car on the way home. Even if she protests, you can use the age-old "Well, a strange doctor was just shoving shit inside your vagina. Why can't I?" line. Works like a charm. And once she knows she's had some weird vacuum contraption inside her snizz, her mindset will change, and she'll let you shove all kinds of weird shit up inside there too.

Cocoa's Retort:
Guys often look forward to girls being on the rag, because then they can get blow jobs without the girl asking for a return favor. With most girls, any type of sexual activity while they're bleeding is off limits. However, their hormones are a-flowin' during this time, and some girls get ravenously horny and demand to get banged, no matter how bloody it may be. This can be quite troublesome for some guys - bloody sheets if it's done in a bed, bloody streaks to clean off the shower wall, etc. But when a girl's bleeding from a pill-induced miscarriage, the last thing she's going to want is for you to shove all that bloody goo that could have been your child back up into her. She wants that shit out of there. With a vacuum abortion, a girl will most likely want to get home and get humped immediately so she feels pretty again. After just shelling out a week's worth of money on an abortion, a guy deserves a few days of not being demanded to shove his penis inside a murderous whore.

Every once in a while, along comes a girl who refuses to get an abortion. And no matter how much you threaten her or attempt to trip her on the stairs, she stands strong and still refuses. If you rely on the vacuum abortion, you'd have to kidnap her and drag her into an abortion clinic, and once you're there, the doctors will most likely refuse to perform an abortion on an unwilling woman. With the beautious pill, however, you can slip on in her drink without her even knowing. It's like date rape, but date abortion. If she's sneaky and notices the pills in her drink, you can always wrap them up in a piece of bread and feed them to her, like dog medicine.

Fun Reading:
How to perform a sheep abortion
Depiction of abortion at Angkor Wat
Massage Abortion

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