Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hunting

Introduction:
Hunting is defined as "the practice of pursuing living animals for food, recreation, or trade." In reality, hunting is defined as "gay." Hunting has been around for millions of years, and, believe it or not, used to be incredibly bad ass for millions of years. Dinosaurs would hunt each other and kill each other with their bare teeth. Cavemen would slap the piss out of sabertooth tigers, then use the teeth from the dead tigers to kill even more sabertooth tigers. How manly is that? Sometime between the last ice age and now, hunting has gotten pretty lame and pussy-like. What the hell has happened? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Hunting is gay as hell. Don't worry, I'm not one of those animal rights homos who think cruelty to animals is wrong. I actually think that cruelty to animals kicks ass and that more animals should die. Any dude who's into animals rights should have his testicles removed, then donated to science to determine how someone with nuts could be such a wimp. I hate animals just as much as the next person, but hunting has lost its way and has made the sexy act of killing animals seem incredibly gay-tastic. Anything lower than me pisses me off. If it's not me, having sex with me, or doing shots with me...or a puppy, it deserves to die. This is an awesome truth. When killing animals, people should be having a hell of a lot of fun.

Hunting doesn't even seem like it's made for people who like to kill animals anymore, because if you're not stapling your neighbor's dog to a tree, then you don't enjoy killing animals...and I'm a man who likes to kill animals. The way that people hunt is just lame as hell. Stuck in a treehouse with a bunch of dudes sniping animals? Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I would much rather take a sledge hammer to a petting zoo and have myself a grand ol' time. It's incredible how hunters can make killing animals seem like a chore rather than the gleefully fun event it should be.

What kind of a lesson is hunting teaching people? I always hear hunters brag about how they're going to get up at five in the morning then wait in the woods for ten hours just to shoot at a deer which will probably get away. What kind of a activity requires people to sit and wait for something to happen? That's not a way to go through life! If I sat and waited for my neighbor's kid to get beaten or the retarded girl down the road to get raped, I would be a very bored man. I go out and make things happen.

Here's how hunting should be played out: instead of sitting in a tree and being a loser, you corral all the annoying animals into one large, fenced-in area. You'll have deer, bears, mountain lions...retarded kids - all together. You go in and have to fight your way through this area, armed with nothing but what you can find in your own garage (hammers, bats, staple guns, crow bars, tire irons, your kid's bike, your car, a fake Christmas tree, so on and so forth...). You go in there and (forgive me for sounding like a British homo) have yourself a bloody good time mutilating every animal in sight.

Sadly, there's no hands-on approach to hunting anymore and I really have no respect for anyone who kills anything with a gun either. Killing with a gun is so impersonal and wimpy. You stay at a nice and safe distance away so you won't get hurt by those scary deer. Really, do you have to be that far away from the deer? Deer are some of the most skittish animals known to man. Have you ever been charged at by a deer? Hunting makes wimps out of men; if you were any kind of a man, you could take down cute animals with either your bare hands or a large blunt object.

Despite all this, I believe that many hunters have the power in them to do what needs to be done to be less of ass hats, if only their favorite activity required them to do more than the bare minimum. If hunting were the way it should be, only the manliest of men would risk it all to go out and hunt. Hunting should really separate the men from the boys, and should no longer be a family event. Unfortunately, dads take their wives and children out with hopes that they might kill some deer. It's become the equivalent of a family picnic. When I was a kid, my school didn't even have class on the first day of deer season because nobody would show up anyway. How can a sport be manly and respectable if a 12-year-old can do it effectively? Women and children should not be involved in anything, unless we're talking about cleaning and/or abuse.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I agree that hunting is gay and it would be a much more enjoyable sport if hunters were to actually beat down animals rather than being huddled up in a tiny hut. A lot of my beef is with the people who perform the hunting. It's like clubbing - it sounds like a good idea in theory: a bunch of slutty girls getting drunk and flopping their boobs around to music that's so loud you can't possibly hear what the girls are saying. Unfortunately, there are lots of skeezy guys, annoying whores, and people who request Kanye in attendance at these places, thereby making the experience unenjoyable. Hunting, by and large, is done by rednecks, hicks, and other losers who predominantly live in the woods. The thought of killing an animal and eating it is a great thought, but it loses a lot of its appeal when you know you have to be hanging out with some toothless fuck who bitches about the "goddamn gooks" taking our jobs away with Kias. Look, fuck face, buying your neighbor's '78 Ford pickup for 500 bucks doesn't create any American jobs either. And your wife's PT Cruiser was made in Mexico.

These days, hunters justify hunting as "thinning out the numbers of the animals", yet I still nearly hit a million deer with my car every winter. It's not that fucking hard to kill a deer. You're not some type of superiorly manly man because you can shoot one of those creatures.

A lot of hunters can't even fucking hunt. Take a look at bird shot, for instance. Bird shot? It's that type of bullet that's really fifty little BBs wedged into one casing so that instead of actually having to be a good shot, a hunter can just shoot in the general direction of a bird and take it down. This is the type of man who calls himself manly? First of all, he's not even a good shot if his accuracy is so bad he needs to shoot fifty BBs at once just to possibly hit his target. Secondly, he's spending his time killing a fucking bird. How much meat can you possibly get from a bird? If it can be killed by a BB, it's either too small and too stupid for me to want to consume it.

I don't feel manly after eating some stupid five-pound bird with retarded looking legs who spends his whole day eating dirty worms. I've never eaten a woolly mammoth, but I bet if I did, my pubes would grow about three inches every meal. That's a manly creature, and eating it would surely make you manlier. Instead, hunters shoot worthless, helpless animals like birds and rabbits. Good job, pussy, you can hide in a tree (and in case of rabbits, use a dog) to stealthily shoot an animal that's roughly 3% of your size. And I'm gay for not hunting?

Hunters were in their prime back in the stone ages. Cavemen were the epitome of manliness and pretty much wiped out the entire mammoth population by themselves. An average caveman probably weighed about 180 pounds, while a mammoth weighed roughly 6 tons. So think about that; someone relatively small taking down something huge with nothing but a stick. These stone age hunters didn't complain one bit. They would kill these giant animals, skin them while they were still warm, drag them back home to their women (and they had many women), and eat a hearty meal. Cavemen would even use the skin to wear around, often while killing other mammoths. Now that's manly. It's almost as awesome and manly as making your girlfriend wear your secretary's panties.

Nowadays, to make themselves believe they're manly, hunters will mount the heads of their kills on their dining room walls. Let me tell you something - if I had a daily reminder of a cold-ass January morning when I covered myself in deer piss that I paid money for, sat in a hut with my buddy while we were wearing matching outfits, and shot at an unsuspecting animal who was trying to provide for his family, I'd be pretty damn embarrassed.

Fuck, a few years back, my cat wandered into the swamp across the road, caught a mink that was twice his size, dragged it across the road, up the driveway and into my basement, tortured it for about a half hour, and then killed it. He didn't eat the mink; he just did this for fun. All this, and he's a house cat. He gets fed cat food twice a day and spends his days licking salt off of my fingers and licking at the empty sack where his balls used to be. And yet, he's still manlier than hunters.

Fun Reading:
Douche bags
How pussified hunting brings families together
How to take kids hunting...not how to hunt kids, unfortunately



Friday, November 6, 2009

Abortions

Introduction:
Abortions have been committed since antiquity. The ancient Greeks even sometimes used poisonous herbs to perform them. In modern-day America, abortion is mostly legal. It's surrounded by controversy, but in most states in America, it's legal in some form. Women are determined little critters, and even if a woman lives in a county with no abortion doctor, she will travel to a town that has one. Today, there are two main methods used to perform them: the vacuum and the pill (sounds like a good name for a Disney movie). When you knock your girlfriend up and force her at knifepoint to have an abortion, which method should you choose? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Thankfully, I've never had a reason (to my knowledge) to force a girl into getting an abortion. I usually use condoms and completely lose contact with the girl after I sleep with her, never to see her again. So if I knocked any one of them up, I'd have no idea because they'd be trying to hit up some successfully rich Wall Street investor (which I usually tell women I am so they'll sleep with me) for child support. However, if I fuck up and I end up getting a girl pregnant AND she knows who I am, some good has to come out of it, and what could be better than an abortion? An abortion with a vacuum cleaner, of course!

I could see the convenience of popping a pill and getting an abortion, but c'mon! It's a fucking abortion! Have some damn fun with it. Popping a pill for an abortion is like skipping to the end of a movie, or breaking up with a girl before you've had a chance to cheat on her. How many times are you going to knock up a girl and have her get an abortion? Not many times. I'm sure that most men can count how many abortions they've been responsible for on one hand (or one broken condom). So when you have a girl who'll be getting an abortion, make it count! She's pregnant, she pops a pill - POOF! Baby's gone. What fun was that? I don't know how the procedure works, but I'm pretty sure it's something like this: she's pregnant, she gets a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up in her cooter and the doctor sucks the baby out in chunks. Try to think about that without cracking a smile. It's impossible! It's just too hilarious!

I like to imagine that it would look something like the plastic surgery shows, where the fat chick gets the fat sucked out of her ass with that pointy hose, from there it goes through the clear tube into a big bucket thing. Now just imagine if all that fat were a baby. Pretty awesome, eh? Delicious. The outcome would be the exact same as well. It always shows like three weeks later, the formerly fat chick is all happy and dancing and shit. It would be the exact same thing for a woman getting an abortion. She gets that thing sucked out of her snatch and then short afterward, she'll be happy and dancing and shit. But you would have to put a stop to that immediately. Chicks being happy and dancing is incredibly annoying. Put her in her place and have her make you a sandwich.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Although it's great that we can both agree that abortions kick complete ass, I have to contend that the pill is definitely the way to go. Essentially, what the pill does is it induces a miscarriage, a process that takes a couple days (in all actuality, the pill is a combination of pills, like a baby-killing cocktail). Everyone knows that it's completely a girl's fault if she gets pregnant. Sure, the guy could have worn a condom, but the girl could have made him wear a condom. See? It's always her fault. And ladies, when a guy spooges inside you, a minute after you stand up, it all drips out anyways. So if your body absorbs it enough in that amount of time that you can still get pregnant, then that's a fault of yours. So, since the pill causes horrible cramps for a couple days while it's working, let that be a lesson learned for the girl. When you try to wrestle a bear, and it mauls your ass, you don't fuck with bears anymore. When a girl gets pregnant and has to suffer with horrible pains because of it, maybe she'll stop getting pregnant. When she just gets it vacuumed out, it's just a few minutes of pain, and she probably won't learn her lesson.

And even if you're in love with your girlfriend (funny, I know) and feel horrible that you got her pregnant, there's a plus side for you too. Hopefully this travesty only happens once. And in order to make peace with something, you have to have fun with it. In the same way that Dane Cook can tell jokes about his parents' deaths, so too must you be able to find some joy in your situation. Because the pill takes a couple days to do its marvelous deed, your girlfriend can do all kinds of things while she's having an abortion, like going to a theme park. Once your girlfriend's pain, shame, embarrassment, murderous and whorish feelings, and overall thinking that she's a horrible person subside, she'll be able to reflect back on the situation and say things like "I had an abortion while riding a roller coaster." When a girl's in a stirrup in a doctor's office on a street lined with protesters with a narrow hose stuck up her snatch, she doesn't have the pleasure of being able to say that, does she?

And it's the same with you. You can pitch the story in all different ways when sharing stories with your buddies. "When my girlfriend was having an abortion, I was drunk in Vegas, playing roulette." You don't have to tell them that she was right next to you the whole time, although in horrible pain as her body passed mangled bits of baby through her vagina into a maxi pad that she had to change every couple hours because of the excessive bleeding. Go on a road trip as soon as your girlfriend takes the pill. Then when you break up and you're going through the 'my ex is a whore' phase, you can tell everyone how many states she had an abortion in.

Fisty's Retort:
While I do agree with you that it's completely the girl's fault for getting pregnant, the pill is just not the way to go. I don't trust pills at all. Your girl can pop a pill and the baby may die, but what if it doesn't? You'll be out $300 and on top of that, be paying child support for a retarded baby. Doesn't that suck? Just think about it, let it sink in: Not only will you have a kid, but it will be retarded and possibly will be missing a leg or an arm or have a washboard for a forehead! Yeah, and it won't be the funny kind of retard either. This is the kind you have to pay child support for. Any kid who gets part of your paycheck better be a genius who discovers how to make a date-rape drug from common household foods.

It's best to stick with the good old vacuum cleaner abortion. It's fail-proof. Pretty much, you don't take that suction out until you have the entire baby in a baggie. That way, you know for sure it's out. With the pill, you're playing a waiting game. The girl takes the pill, and you have to wait a few days for her to stop bleeding, then she has to go back to the doctor and get tested again. Sounds like a shitty few days to me. And the more days that she's bleeding from the pill-induced abortion, the less time you're having sex with her. With the vacuum, you can bang her in the car on the way home. Even if she protests, you can use the age-old "Well, a strange doctor was just shoving shit inside your vagina. Why can't I?" line. Works like a charm. And once she knows she's had some weird vacuum contraption inside her snizz, her mindset will change, and she'll let you shove all kinds of weird shit up inside there too.

Cocoa's Retort:
Guys often look forward to girls being on the rag, because then they can get blow jobs without the girl asking for a return favor. With most girls, any type of sexual activity while they're bleeding is off limits. However, their hormones are a-flowin' during this time, and some girls get ravenously horny and demand to get banged, no matter how bloody it may be. This can be quite troublesome for some guys - bloody sheets if it's done in a bed, bloody streaks to clean off the shower wall, etc. But when a girl's bleeding from a pill-induced miscarriage, the last thing she's going to want is for you to shove all that bloody goo that could have been your child back up into her. She wants that shit out of there. With a vacuum abortion, a girl will most likely want to get home and get humped immediately so she feels pretty again. After just shelling out a week's worth of money on an abortion, a guy deserves a few days of not being demanded to shove his penis inside a murderous whore.

Every once in a while, along comes a girl who refuses to get an abortion. And no matter how much you threaten her or attempt to trip her on the stairs, she stands strong and still refuses. If you rely on the vacuum abortion, you'd have to kidnap her and drag her into an abortion clinic, and once you're there, the doctors will most likely refuse to perform an abortion on an unwilling woman. With the beautious pill, however, you can slip on in her drink without her even knowing. It's like date rape, but date abortion. If she's sneaky and notices the pills in her drink, you can always wrap them up in a piece of bread and feed them to her, like dog medicine.

Fun Reading:
How to perform a sheep abortion
Depiction of abortion at Angkor Wat
Massage Abortion