Monday, October 19, 2009

Strip Clubs

Introduction:
Strip clubs have been around for ages. Back in the seventeenth century, the colonial Americans, after a long day of religious persecution and ravaging tribal lands, would head on over to the local strip club where a lady would show some ankle. In these modern times, strippers now get fully nude, but often make over a thousand dollars on a good night. Is this a good thing though? Are strip clubs magical places or are they for losers? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out! You decide who wins!

Glen Cocoa's Take:
First of all, I'm a cheap ass. So right off the bat, strip clubs are my foe. Fifteen bucks for admission, several dollars for a drink, twenty bucks for a lap dance, and your friends give you shit if you don't toss crumpled up dollar bills onto the stage. That shit starts to add up pretty quickly. And for what? I could get a round trip flight to Maui for what a good night out at a strip club would cost.

Let's look at what happens at a strip club. As you walk in the doors, an ex-Marine whose ex fucked eight dudes at Legoland while he was defending the country in Iraq takes your money for an entry fee. At this point, you're now down somewhere around fifteen bucks, and all you've seen is a pathetic fuck who got married to some skank straight out of high school because he wanted to be guaranteed some ass the day he got back from his deployment. Money well spent? I think not.

Next, you sit down at your table that's next to a group of greasy Mexican dudes who would gladly spend all their money to be able to feel up on a girl who is white, over 4'9”, and has had less than seven kids. Some good music plays every now and then, but most girls who are that slutty like hip hop, and after a half an hour, you'll be so sick of Kanye and DMX that you'll be begging for some Godsmack.

Now comes the good part. Some broad comes on over to your table and sits down, talking to you like you're the hottest guy in the room, even though she's just been rejected by nine other dudes. It scares you because you see a bit of yourself in her, going from table to table, getting turned down over and over again. After some bullshit about how she's 17, from Russia, and using a fake id to be a stripper, even though she's obviously at least 30, been banged by almost every rugby team in the world, and has had her vagina devastated by countless bikers, you relent and get a lap dance from her.

So what did you spend your money on? You paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything. You can't touch her, you can't touch yourself, so now you have to go back to your friends with a case of blue balls and some precum drying to your leg. Great job, moron.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Strip clubs - what could be better? Nothing, that's what. Where else can you see all the girls who turned you down for prom in high school get naked? It's a wonderful thing. You don't have to take these girls out to dinner, pretend you are interested in them, meet their parents, or tell them that you aren't using them for sex. They get naked and all you have to do is throw a few dollars at their crusty thongs. Strip clubs for women are like factories for men. They're the place for the uneducated and unloved to get good-paying jobs. These women have failed at everything in life from finding love from their unwed parents to finding love from their illegitimate children. And as a bonus, chances are these girls' decent stripping wages are supplemented by their child-support checks, which they usually spend on tattoos and drugs.

Strip clubs don't always have to be about the girls. Want to have a good time? Go out with all your dude friends, have some drinks and check out some boobies. Mind you, I said dude friends. If you have any friends who are girls then shame on you. You should know better. If you go out with girl friends, they won't stop asking you whether you think you think the strippers are cuter than they are. As a guy, you must remember that you are awesome and these girls are here to entertain you. You pay to be entertained, right? Whether it be a movie, concert, the circus, or some chick who's given up on life shoving her tits in your face, it's a fucking fun and entertaining time. The least you can do is stick a dollar between her buttcheeks.

Where else can you give a girl a dollar and have her stick your head between her love melons? Try doing that at a Wal-Mart...go ahead, I dare you. Strip clubs are strange places, where common logic, self-respect and social standards are non-existent. One of the best things about strippers is that they are devoid of most things that normal people find taboo (by "normal people", I mean people with shame). Why is this a good thing? For many reasons, my good man. Many reasons indeed. You want to take a crap on her chest, slap her in the face, toss her down a flight of stairs, knock her up, force her to get an abortion and then have her buy you lunch? Any girl with an IQ in the positive numbers range would be utterly offended and disgusted by this, but strippers are of a different breed.

What's better than a stupid, gullible chick who likes to get naked? A building which houses a shit-load of stupid, gullible chicks who like to get naked. Strip clubs kick ass.

Cocoa's Retort:
A night out at a strip club can easily cost you fifty bucks, minimum, and it's not hard to drop a couple hundred bucks in just a few hours. For that kind of money, you can take a somewhat decent, halfway respectable girl out on a nice date and buy her food so nice she can't possibly say no to giving you a nice twisty afterward. And when you see her boobs, it's not just for the length of a song, and you can actually feel her up. If you're alone with a girl and you're seeing her boobs, you've obviously going to get more. No blue balls, no loud shitty music, no skeezy guys sitting right next to you, and no giant black guy peeping over the top of the curtain every minute to make sure you're not strangling the girl and stealing her money.

Sure, you may wonder who cares about wasting his time on a nice respectable girl when you could instead be drinking beer and seeing lots of boobs. If I'm going to bother seeing a girl naked, much less going out and spending money to do so, I'm at least going to see someone who turns me on. There's just something about a girl who will show off her twat to a stranger for a dollar that doesn't quite turn me on. And, worst of all, a stripper owns you. You may think that you're in control, but you're not. You give your money to her. She beckons you to come closer or to back away. She grabs your head, buries it in her tits, and pushes you away at her own leisure. Do you really want to have a girl take your money and call the shots? Sounds a bit too much like marriage to me.

Fisty's Retort:
Blue balls? Speaking as a man who has boned a fair share of strippers (well...at least two), I can say that they can give you a lot of things, but never blue balls. Even if you're ugly and poor, if you tell a stripper that you don't think she's a whore (even though she is) and that she's a deep and respectable person, then you'll have your penis in her faster than you can say "high school drop out". These girls are sad, loveless women who most people despise. If you show them some sort of interest, they'll be letting you stick various objects in their buttholes in no time! Strippers are probably the easiest targets in the world. What kind of person would get naked for middle-aged, greasy virgins? The kind of girl who'll fuck any guy anywhere. That's who! Blue balls? Pfft...homo.

And "you paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything"? I don't know about you, but having any girl rub her tits in my face is like Jesus giving me a hand job, even if it's a fat chick! I love tits, and to have some chick rub her jubblies in my face will be simply amazing. Granted, if you don't get laid, you will be doing some hardcore punishment to your penis in the restroom, but you'd be doing that anyway, just admit it. You might as well as had some tits in your face prior - the best dollar you've ever spent.

Fun Reading:
Hilarious strip club signs
The perils of strip clubs
Midget strippers
Teenagers can legally strip in Rhode Island

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