Thursday, October 1, 2009

Rim Jobs

Technically called 'analingus', also known as 'tossing a salad', a rim job is the eating out of another's ass (or, if one is really flexible, one's own ass). This includes licking, kissing, and tongue-fucking someone's asshole. Is this act manly and awesome, or disgusting and shameful? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Other than golden showers and Cleveland Steamers, this is pretty much one of the only sex acts that completely grosses me out. If a girl gets her tongue near my asshole, I'm going to punch her in the face. There is no negotiating here. This is just a purely sick and disgusting act. If I let the girl actually lick my ass, I'll feel so bad for her that I can't enjoy it. Don't worry, the last thing I could do is feel sympathy for some slutty girl i picked up at the bar, I just know what comes out of my asshole and I wouldn't wish the contents of my ass on my worst enemy's tongue. Or possibly, it's just that I have a heart and don't want people's mouths near my ass, especially after I've been chowing down some Taco Bell. The only reason that I would ever let a girl stick her tongue down there is if she pissed me off something awful, but if it were that bad, I'd probably just toss her down a flight of stairs. Then I would shit in her unconscious mouth, that would serve her right.

When a girl sticks her mouth below my belt line, my penis is the only thing she is allowed to touch. If she breaks this rule, I break her legs - this is a fact. I don't even like my balls to be played with. That shit tickles! If I get tickled during sex, then that completely ruins the mood for me and I'll be pissed off for at least a week afterward. If my balls are off-limits, then what does that say about my anus? Exactly! I don't care about whether it feels good or not, it's just too taboo for me to go through with it. I'm pretty sure a blow job feels just as good from a whore with big tits as well as from the homo who works the cash register at Starbucks. The whole thing is with the taboo of it all. It's just too fucking weird for me to enjoy it. For instance, puppies may taste amazing. Would you eat your puppy? Rim jobs may feel great. Would you like a tongue stuck in your rectum? Fuck that!

Even if a rim job does feel pretty snazzy...why? Why would you even want that? If a girl has her face down there and she isn't sucking your dick, that's considered teasing, and she should be beaten accordingly. This is another fact - actually, it's a law of nature, very much like gravity. Rim jobs are wasting valuable blow job time. Blow jobs feel, pun intended, orgasmic! Having a rim job instead of a blow job is pretty much the equivalent of opting for a dog turd instead of a Thanksgiving feast. If a man says, "No babe, I don't want a blow job yet. I want you to lick my butthole," this guy should be shot in the face. This is not a joke.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Rim jobs feel great. The ass is sensitive just like the rest of your body, so why make it off-limits? Surely gross things come out of it, but piss and spooge come out of your penis, don't they? If you're going to let her stick that in her mouth if she's willing, why not let her go for the ass too? It's not like the ass itself is covered in shit. Yeah, you may have a bad wipe every now and then, but that's why you jump in the shower before she comes over. Simple. When you piss in a urinal, there's plenty of sprinkling that flies back onto your penis from the force of your piss hitting the urinal. And when you're going to get a beej, unless you're mad at your girlfriend (or cousin, bus driver, or other giver of blow jobs), you'll hop up to the sink and give it a quick scrub, won't you?

Everyone has that friend who refuses to get a blow job because he thinks it's degrading or some other bullshit like that. You think to yourself "Who cares? It feels great. If the broad's willing to do it, then let her do it." Rim jobs are the same way. Once you've gotten one, you won't understand why anyone wouldn't want one. And let's be honest, lots of girls suck at giving head. More often than not, I find that a girl's head-giving skills are subpar. I'd say that at best, 25% of the girls I've been with have been decent at mouth-hugging. Maybe my penis is too big, maybe her exes didn't train her well enough or hit her with a rolled-up newspaper when she did a poor job. Whatever the case, we can all agree that, as a whole, the blowing skills of women need to improve. Instead of dealing with a penis sore from teeth tracks, have her give you a rim job instead. It's a lot harder to fuck up than a beej. Literally, all she has to do is lick your asshole. That's all. That's the only thing she has to do, and it feels awesome. There's no worrying about teeth, no worrying about how far in it can go, and (unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell that day), no worrying about whether or not she swallows.

Even giving rim jobs is awesome. You may think it's gross to lick an asshole, but you already lick her clit, so you're damn close to her piss hole, and often times she'll have little wet bits of toilet paper stuck in there. Plus, she has to shave her snatch on a regular basis or else it gets gamey, and most girls have very little hair around their assholes. That is, unless you're dating an Indian chick, but if that's your cup of tea, then you pay the consequences. So you have to worry less about her shaving, and as an added bonus - her ass doesn't have a period! Just make sure that when she is having her period, she tucks the string up inside her snizz like a stripper, and you're good to go.

And on top of all that, when a girl gives you a rim job, you own her. Like with giving money shots, banging a girl in the ass, and molesting children, part of the appeal is obviously the pleasure, but a lot of the appeal is the taboo factor. If every girl wanted a money shot, then it wouldn't be nearly as fun to give her one. But since the majority of girls have to be talked into it, or just have it done to them (remember, it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission), it's considered taboo to do it, which is what makes it so awesome. Come on, which is more awesome to watch: the slutty girl in porns who wants to get creamed on, or the girl who closes her eyes, tries to cover her hair, and jumps every time a burst of spooge hits her?

Fisty's Retort:
You, sir, are gay. But aside from the obvious, after a girl goes down on you, she will go up and try to kiss you. This is an appalling act. I'm not even for it when a girl tries to kiss me after she's been giving me head, the last thing that I want is to make out with her after she's been tossing my salad. I know what comes out of my ass and I don't want to vicariously lick my own asshole. She may have one of my ass hairs on her tongue and I may have to throw up in her mouth.

This brings to question: why would you want to lick a girl's asshole? Rim jobs go both ways so that means if a girl licks your ass, you'll have to lick hers too. Assuming that you're not a loser, you've gone down on a girl before. With that in mind, you know that vaginas aren't the cleanest of places and are full of fucked up smells and strange discharges, among other shit. I don't trust girls to maintain and clean their asses, especially since very few girls maintain their own vaginas. Imagine that you're going down on a vagina that isn't that well maintained, only she shits out of it a couple times a day. Yeah, pretty disgusting, eh?

And another point: if you're eating a girl's ass, you're obviously at the stage where she'll let you fuck her. Why would you waste your fucking time licking her asshole? Think about this: YOU'RE LICKING AN ASSHOLE! Why are you not fucking her? And if she's licking your asshole, why are you not fucking her?! What's wrong with you? If she's willing to either lick your ass or have her ass licked, she's pretty freaky, and you could probably spend your time chaining her to a wall and assaulting her with a bucket of dildos.

It doesn't even stop there either. There's health risks involved too! If you're licking a girl's ass, there's a chance that you'll catch hepatitis and various other diseases. Granted, if you gave a girl any disease, it would be hilarious, but if you got one? That would suck. Is licking a rectum worth it?

Cocoa's Retort:
I don't give a shit if she tries to come up and kiss me. Asses taste better than vaginas do. If it is a properly maintained and cleansed ass, then there will be no taste at all. With a vagina, even a freshly fingered-in-the-shower vagina, there's at least a slight tinge of vagina smell. Not that that's a bad thing, but there's still a bit of a smell. An asshole, on the other hand, tastes like nothing at all. Granted, I'm not going to do it after a soccer game or on the morning after taco night, but if it's freshly washed, it's a very clean place. She'll love having it done to her. Not only will she get off lots of times, you can use it against her as well. Next time she refuses to swallow, take a money shot, or finger her hot sister on video, you can bring up the fact that you licked her asshole. Works like a dirty charm.

It takes a little bit of time to get used to, I'll give you that. But once you get used to having a face down there, a finger in your ass, and being bent over the couch with your ass in the air, you'll be glad you did. Orgasms feel good. And an orgasm while you're getting fingered in the ass feels even better. There's science behind it too; the prostate is inside the ass and when it's massaged, you have better, more powerful orgasms. And, best of all, when you spooge when she's giving you a rim job, it'll most likely go in her hair. It's a hell of a lot easier to do it that way than to pull out at just the right time and try to leap up to her head before she bats you away. Bitchin!

Fun Reading:
Vector art of girl-on-girl rim job
A gay man's tutorial on how to rim


  1. hahahah funnyy assssss people!!!!! hahahhahaah lmaoo

  2. My boyfriend after a long time has finally allowed me to tongue his ass. He is still a bit skittish about it but admits that he enjoyed it. I had to start out by gaining his trust as he wouldn't even allow me to touch his butt cheeks. I love to please him and so I would give him very long, full body massages to relax him. I would ask permission to rub his glutes. He commented on how good it felt. From there I progressed to lightly caressing his cheeks while we were watching a movie or quickly giving him a little peck on his ass cheek. After time, I would kiss his ass lovingly and nibble on his sexy shelf. It was hard to stop since I could smell the aroma eminating from his ass calling for me to come and explore further. I would get wet and feel frustrated since I knew I had to gain more of his trust. Finally, he allowed me to explore further. At first, it was ticklish to him and he tightened up. I had to relax him again and caress his cheeks from the outside before I attempted to delve in. His ass tasted sooooo very good. He was making little noises and was getting hard. He moved his cock towards me so I could lick it as well. I knew he was enjoying it when I felt him spread himself a bit wider and pushed his ass deeper into my face. Oh, it was a bit of heaven. At one point he was so turned on that he pulled my hair and began to fuck me. He likes to give me anal sex as much as I love receiving it from him. I have to admit I wouldn't want to do these things with anyone else and I truly believe you have to be either totally in love or a complete freak to do certain things. I love kissing and sucking on his toes. For whatever reason, I like caressing and kissing his underarms and tonguing his belly button. These areas of the body were always completely and utterly disgusting to me, that is, until him.