Monday, October 19, 2009

Strip Clubs

Introduction:
Strip clubs have been around for ages. Back in the seventeenth century, the colonial Americans, after a long day of religious persecution and ravaging tribal lands, would head on over to the local strip club where a lady would show some ankle. In these modern times, strippers now get fully nude, but often make over a thousand dollars on a good night. Is this a good thing though? Are strip clubs magical places or are they for losers? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out! You decide who wins!

Glen Cocoa's Take:
First of all, I'm a cheap ass. So right off the bat, strip clubs are my foe. Fifteen bucks for admission, several dollars for a drink, twenty bucks for a lap dance, and your friends give you shit if you don't toss crumpled up dollar bills onto the stage. That shit starts to add up pretty quickly. And for what? I could get a round trip flight to Maui for what a good night out at a strip club would cost.

Let's look at what happens at a strip club. As you walk in the doors, an ex-Marine whose ex fucked eight dudes at Legoland while he was defending the country in Iraq takes your money for an entry fee. At this point, you're now down somewhere around fifteen bucks, and all you've seen is a pathetic fuck who got married to some skank straight out of high school because he wanted to be guaranteed some ass the day he got back from his deployment. Money well spent? I think not.

Next, you sit down at your table that's next to a group of greasy Mexican dudes who would gladly spend all their money to be able to feel up on a girl who is white, over 4'9”, and has had less than seven kids. Some good music plays every now and then, but most girls who are that slutty like hip hop, and after a half an hour, you'll be so sick of Kanye and DMX that you'll be begging for some Godsmack.

Now comes the good part. Some broad comes on over to your table and sits down, talking to you like you're the hottest guy in the room, even though she's just been rejected by nine other dudes. It scares you because you see a bit of yourself in her, going from table to table, getting turned down over and over again. After some bullshit about how she's 17, from Russia, and using a fake id to be a stripper, even though she's obviously at least 30, been banged by almost every rugby team in the world, and has had her vagina devastated by countless bikers, you relent and get a lap dance from her.

So what did you spend your money on? You paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything. You can't touch her, you can't touch yourself, so now you have to go back to your friends with a case of blue balls and some precum drying to your leg. Great job, moron.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Strip clubs - what could be better? Nothing, that's what. Where else can you see all the girls who turned you down for prom in high school get naked? It's a wonderful thing. You don't have to take these girls out to dinner, pretend you are interested in them, meet their parents, or tell them that you aren't using them for sex. They get naked and all you have to do is throw a few dollars at their crusty thongs. Strip clubs for women are like factories for men. They're the place for the uneducated and unloved to get good-paying jobs. These women have failed at everything in life from finding love from their unwed parents to finding love from their illegitimate children. And as a bonus, chances are these girls' decent stripping wages are supplemented by their child-support checks, which they usually spend on tattoos and drugs.

Strip clubs don't always have to be about the girls. Want to have a good time? Go out with all your dude friends, have some drinks and check out some boobies. Mind you, I said dude friends. If you have any friends who are girls then shame on you. You should know better. If you go out with girl friends, they won't stop asking you whether you think you think the strippers are cuter than they are. As a guy, you must remember that you are awesome and these girls are here to entertain you. You pay to be entertained, right? Whether it be a movie, concert, the circus, or some chick who's given up on life shoving her tits in your face, it's a fucking fun and entertaining time. The least you can do is stick a dollar between her buttcheeks.

Where else can you give a girl a dollar and have her stick your head between her love melons? Try doing that at a Wal-Mart...go ahead, I dare you. Strip clubs are strange places, where common logic, self-respect and social standards are non-existent. One of the best things about strippers is that they are devoid of most things that normal people find taboo (by "normal people", I mean people with shame). Why is this a good thing? For many reasons, my good man. Many reasons indeed. You want to take a crap on her chest, slap her in the face, toss her down a flight of stairs, knock her up, force her to get an abortion and then have her buy you lunch? Any girl with an IQ in the positive numbers range would be utterly offended and disgusted by this, but strippers are of a different breed.

What's better than a stupid, gullible chick who likes to get naked? A building which houses a shit-load of stupid, gullible chicks who like to get naked. Strip clubs kick ass.

Cocoa's Retort:
A night out at a strip club can easily cost you fifty bucks, minimum, and it's not hard to drop a couple hundred bucks in just a few hours. For that kind of money, you can take a somewhat decent, halfway respectable girl out on a nice date and buy her food so nice she can't possibly say no to giving you a nice twisty afterward. And when you see her boobs, it's not just for the length of a song, and you can actually feel her up. If you're alone with a girl and you're seeing her boobs, you've obviously going to get more. No blue balls, no loud shitty music, no skeezy guys sitting right next to you, and no giant black guy peeping over the top of the curtain every minute to make sure you're not strangling the girl and stealing her money.

Sure, you may wonder who cares about wasting his time on a nice respectable girl when you could instead be drinking beer and seeing lots of boobs. If I'm going to bother seeing a girl naked, much less going out and spending money to do so, I'm at least going to see someone who turns me on. There's just something about a girl who will show off her twat to a stranger for a dollar that doesn't quite turn me on. And, worst of all, a stripper owns you. You may think that you're in control, but you're not. You give your money to her. She beckons you to come closer or to back away. She grabs your head, buries it in her tits, and pushes you away at her own leisure. Do you really want to have a girl take your money and call the shots? Sounds a bit too much like marriage to me.

Fisty's Retort:
Blue balls? Speaking as a man who has boned a fair share of strippers (well...at least two), I can say that they can give you a lot of things, but never blue balls. Even if you're ugly and poor, if you tell a stripper that you don't think she's a whore (even though she is) and that she's a deep and respectable person, then you'll have your penis in her faster than you can say "high school drop out". These girls are sad, loveless women who most people despise. If you show them some sort of interest, they'll be letting you stick various objects in their buttholes in no time! Strippers are probably the easiest targets in the world. What kind of person would get naked for middle-aged, greasy virgins? The kind of girl who'll fuck any guy anywhere. That's who! Blue balls? Pfft...homo.

And "you paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything"? I don't know about you, but having any girl rub her tits in my face is like Jesus giving me a hand job, even if it's a fat chick! I love tits, and to have some chick rub her jubblies in my face will be simply amazing. Granted, if you don't get laid, you will be doing some hardcore punishment to your penis in the restroom, but you'd be doing that anyway, just admit it. You might as well as had some tits in your face prior - the best dollar you've ever spent.

Fun Reading:
Hilarious strip club signs
The perils of strip clubs
Midget strippers
Teenagers can legally strip in Rhode Island

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Rim Jobs

Introduction:
Technically called 'analingus', also known as 'tossing a salad', a rim job is the eating out of another's ass (or, if one is really flexible, one's own ass). This includes licking, kissing, and tongue-fucking someone's asshole. Is this act manly and awesome, or disgusting and shameful? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Other than golden showers and Cleveland Steamers, this is pretty much one of the only sex acts that completely grosses me out. If a girl gets her tongue near my asshole, I'm going to punch her in the face. There is no negotiating here. This is just a purely sick and disgusting act. If I let the girl actually lick my ass, I'll feel so bad for her that I can't enjoy it. Don't worry, the last thing I could do is feel sympathy for some slutty girl i picked up at the bar, I just know what comes out of my asshole and I wouldn't wish the contents of my ass on my worst enemy's tongue. Or possibly, it's just that I have a heart and don't want people's mouths near my ass, especially after I've been chowing down some Taco Bell. The only reason that I would ever let a girl stick her tongue down there is if she pissed me off something awful, but if it were that bad, I'd probably just toss her down a flight of stairs. Then I would shit in her unconscious mouth, that would serve her right.

When a girl sticks her mouth below my belt line, my penis is the only thing she is allowed to touch. If she breaks this rule, I break her legs - this is a fact. I don't even like my balls to be played with. That shit tickles! If I get tickled during sex, then that completely ruins the mood for me and I'll be pissed off for at least a week afterward. If my balls are off-limits, then what does that say about my anus? Exactly! I don't care about whether it feels good or not, it's just too taboo for me to go through with it. I'm pretty sure a blow job feels just as good from a whore with big tits as well as from the homo who works the cash register at Starbucks. The whole thing is with the taboo of it all. It's just too fucking weird for me to enjoy it. For instance, puppies may taste amazing. Would you eat your puppy? Rim jobs may feel great. Would you like a tongue stuck in your rectum? Fuck that!

Even if a rim job does feel pretty snazzy...why? Why would you even want that? If a girl has her face down there and she isn't sucking your dick, that's considered teasing, and she should be beaten accordingly. This is another fact - actually, it's a law of nature, very much like gravity. Rim jobs are wasting valuable blow job time. Blow jobs feel, pun intended, orgasmic! Having a rim job instead of a blow job is pretty much the equivalent of opting for a dog turd instead of a Thanksgiving feast. If a man says, "No babe, I don't want a blow job yet. I want you to lick my butthole," this guy should be shot in the face. This is not a joke.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Rim jobs feel great. The ass is sensitive just like the rest of your body, so why make it off-limits? Surely gross things come out of it, but piss and spooge come out of your penis, don't they? If you're going to let her stick that in her mouth if she's willing, why not let her go for the ass too? It's not like the ass itself is covered in shit. Yeah, you may have a bad wipe every now and then, but that's why you jump in the shower before she comes over. Simple. When you piss in a urinal, there's plenty of sprinkling that flies back onto your penis from the force of your piss hitting the urinal. And when you're going to get a beej, unless you're mad at your girlfriend (or cousin, bus driver, or other giver of blow jobs), you'll hop up to the sink and give it a quick scrub, won't you?

Everyone has that friend who refuses to get a blow job because he thinks it's degrading or some other bullshit like that. You think to yourself "Who cares? It feels great. If the broad's willing to do it, then let her do it." Rim jobs are the same way. Once you've gotten one, you won't understand why anyone wouldn't want one. And let's be honest, lots of girls suck at giving head. More often than not, I find that a girl's head-giving skills are subpar. I'd say that at best, 25% of the girls I've been with have been decent at mouth-hugging. Maybe my penis is too big, maybe her exes didn't train her well enough or hit her with a rolled-up newspaper when she did a poor job. Whatever the case, we can all agree that, as a whole, the blowing skills of women need to improve. Instead of dealing with a penis sore from teeth tracks, have her give you a rim job instead. It's a lot harder to fuck up than a beej. Literally, all she has to do is lick your asshole. That's all. That's the only thing she has to do, and it feels awesome. There's no worrying about teeth, no worrying about how far in it can go, and (unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell that day), no worrying about whether or not she swallows.

Even giving rim jobs is awesome. You may think it's gross to lick an asshole, but you already lick her clit, so you're damn close to her piss hole, and often times she'll have little wet bits of toilet paper stuck in there. Plus, she has to shave her snatch on a regular basis or else it gets gamey, and most girls have very little hair around their assholes. That is, unless you're dating an Indian chick, but if that's your cup of tea, then you pay the consequences. So you have to worry less about her shaving, and as an added bonus - her ass doesn't have a period! Just make sure that when she is having her period, she tucks the string up inside her snizz like a stripper, and you're good to go.

And on top of all that, when a girl gives you a rim job, you own her. Like with giving money shots, banging a girl in the ass, and molesting children, part of the appeal is obviously the pleasure, but a lot of the appeal is the taboo factor. If every girl wanted a money shot, then it wouldn't be nearly as fun to give her one. But since the majority of girls have to be talked into it, or just have it done to them (remember, it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission), it's considered taboo to do it, which is what makes it so awesome. Come on, which is more awesome to watch: the slutty girl in porns who wants to get creamed on, or the girl who closes her eyes, tries to cover her hair, and jumps every time a burst of spooge hits her?

Fisty's Retort:
You, sir, are gay. But aside from the obvious, after a girl goes down on you, she will go up and try to kiss you. This is an appalling act. I'm not even for it when a girl tries to kiss me after she's been giving me head, the last thing that I want is to make out with her after she's been tossing my salad. I know what comes out of my ass and I don't want to vicariously lick my own asshole. She may have one of my ass hairs on her tongue and I may have to throw up in her mouth.

This brings to question: why would you want to lick a girl's asshole? Rim jobs go both ways so that means if a girl licks your ass, you'll have to lick hers too. Assuming that you're not a loser, you've gone down on a girl before. With that in mind, you know that vaginas aren't the cleanest of places and are full of fucked up smells and strange discharges, among other shit. I don't trust girls to maintain and clean their asses, especially since very few girls maintain their own vaginas. Imagine that you're going down on a vagina that isn't that well maintained, only she shits out of it a couple times a day. Yeah, pretty disgusting, eh?

And another point: if you're eating a girl's ass, you're obviously at the stage where she'll let you fuck her. Why would you waste your fucking time licking her asshole? Think about this: YOU'RE LICKING AN ASSHOLE! Why are you not fucking her? And if she's licking your asshole, why are you not fucking her?! What's wrong with you? If she's willing to either lick your ass or have her ass licked, she's pretty freaky, and you could probably spend your time chaining her to a wall and assaulting her with a bucket of dildos.

It doesn't even stop there either. There's health risks involved too! If you're licking a girl's ass, there's a chance that you'll catch hepatitis and various other diseases. Granted, if you gave a girl any disease, it would be hilarious, but if you got one? That would suck. Is licking a rectum worth it?

Cocoa's Retort:
I don't give a shit if she tries to come up and kiss me. Asses taste better than vaginas do. If it is a properly maintained and cleansed ass, then there will be no taste at all. With a vagina, even a freshly fingered-in-the-shower vagina, there's at least a slight tinge of vagina smell. Not that that's a bad thing, but there's still a bit of a smell. An asshole, on the other hand, tastes like nothing at all. Granted, I'm not going to do it after a soccer game or on the morning after taco night, but if it's freshly washed, it's a very clean place. She'll love having it done to her. Not only will she get off lots of times, you can use it against her as well. Next time she refuses to swallow, take a money shot, or finger her hot sister on video, you can bring up the fact that you licked her asshole. Works like a dirty charm.

It takes a little bit of time to get used to, I'll give you that. But once you get used to having a face down there, a finger in your ass, and being bent over the couch with your ass in the air, you'll be glad you did. Orgasms feel good. And an orgasm while you're getting fingered in the ass feels even better. There's science behind it too; the prostate is inside the ass and when it's massaged, you have better, more powerful orgasms. And, best of all, when you spooge when she's giving you a rim job, it'll most likely go in her hair. It's a hell of a lot easier to do it that way than to pull out at just the right time and try to leap up to her head before she bats you away. Bitchin!

Fun Reading:
Vector art of girl-on-girl rim job
A gay man's tutorial on how to rim