Thursday, September 10, 2009

Circumcision

Introduction:
Circumcision is defined as to "cut off the foreskin of (a young boy or man, esp. a baby) as a religiousrite, esp. in Judaism and Islam, or as a medical treatment". In the United States, 75% of males are circumcised, while the rate for the entire world is only 30%. Like all things involving genital mutilation, it's become a controversial topic in recent years. Some contend that it's an inhumane practice, while others argue that it's healthy and makes the penis look better. Which side is right? You be the judge.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I think that circumcision is fucked up. Within days after your birth, a doctor cuts off part of your penis - without your consent. Unless you're within one hotness point of Eliza Dushku or I'm forcing myself onto you at gunpoint in an alley, you don't even come near my penis, much less mangle it. When a priest feels up a six-year-old, that's child molestation. A doctor mangling your penis upon your birth is toddler molestation, which I feel is a greater offense.

Many people in favor of circumcision erroneously claim they have the procedure done on their sons because "it's clean." That is complete shit. Up until I was about the age of 12 or so (maybe 20, 21, who's counting?), I took a bath once a week. Some weeks, it would be both Sunday and Wednesday, but by and large, Sunday was bath day. And since I was raised on a sheep farm in the middle of nowhere, it was customary in our family to share bathwater (well, it was a necessity, since there wasn't enough hot water for everyone to take a bath in the same day). It wasn't until junior high school that I started taking showers, and that was on a mostly daily basis. And not once in my entire life did I ever have a dick infection. Not even after banging that homeless girl in Boston.

In fact, I have evidence that circumcision is actually detrimental to penis cleansing. When my nephew was born, he was circumcised, and my sister couldn't even put him in a bath for a week or two while his penis healed. How fucked up is that?

Female circumcision is still practiced in many tribes in Africa, and parts of Asia (the fucked up parts, presumably middle eastern). Most of the world frowns upon this practice. Even the World Health Organization and the United Nations condemn female circumcision. But like the cheerleader who gets the train run on her by the lacrosse team and insists she's not slutty, people seem to think that male circumcision is different and somehow acceptable. Some people who argue for circumcision will point to studies that show uncircumcised men are more likely to get HIV than circumcised men. This may be true, since the foreskin is porous and can absorb the virus more easily. This is a stupid argument, however, since not being circumcised doesn't create HIV, it simply increases your risk of contracting it if your partner has it. Well jackass, maybe you shouldn't be banging black people (oops, I mean, people with HIV) in the first place.

In addition, studies have shown that the foreskin contains the most sensitive parts of the penis and that circumcised men have less sensitive penises because the head is exposed all the time. This leads to less fulfilling orgasms and less satisfaction during sex. So, let's sum this up: a doctor snips off the sensitive part of your penis when you're an infant, causing you to have less satisfaction during sex when you're older. Sounds like a stupid practice to me.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Circumcision isn't about cleanliness or anything. Circumcision comes down to one simple fact: it makes your penis look better. Take a look at your penis - it's not the most attractive thing in the world. Now imagine what your penis would look like if it had a love child with an elephant trunk. That's right. It's fucking disgusting. No girl within 100 miles would be caught dead with it in broad daylight. You think you'll be able to bang that one busty chick from the mall and see her tits flopping around? Nope, sorry, the last thing she wants to see is your Frankenwiener.

A lot of people may claim that circumcision is child abuse and is traumatizing to the baby. I disgree. I was circumcised and I turned out perfectly fine with a penis that isn't afraid to punch Hercules in the face. Child birth is a bitch for any baby. You're in the womb all happy and warm, and then out of nowhere you get squeezed out of a small hole that's not even big enough for your head to fit through. No matter how traumatizing this is, nearly all children turn out just fine (the small percentage of children who don't turn out well after birth are usually crack babies. Or Italians). And after you've been through all that, if a doctor told the baby, "Hey, since you've had your head smashed into a cone shape coming out of your mom's vagina, the least we can do is make your penis pretty, appear longer and, overall, more appealing to chicks," I'm sure that baby would go for it in a heartbeat! Wouldn't you?

Thankfully, no one remembers birth, and also, no one remembers getting that nasty little skin snipped off. An infant's brain has not developed far enough at that point to make any memories. When you're that young, the only thing you know how to do is based on instinct: you cry, eat, shit, and try to breathe - that's it. So when people say how it traumatizes children, you can call bullshit. Do you remember hanging out in your mom's vagina? (If you're from Alabama, ignore that question) Do you remember being born? Do you even remember anything before you were two? No, no, and no.

May it be healthier? Perhaps not, but what does that matter if a girl doesn't want to go down on you? I've never had the chance to smell a penis before, but I'm pretty sure that the extra skin folds on an uncircumcised penis would smell pretty rank. So let's see here, when you've got a penis that looks like a corn dog loosely wrapped in layers of roast beef which smells like dirty balls, mix that with the smell of your already dirty balls and you've got the perfect storm for no blow jobs. Is that little extra, saggy, ugly skin really worth forfeiting blow jobs for? Some girls may give head to an uncircumcised guy, but would you really want oral satisfaction from a girl who's willing to put that atrocity in her mouth? Really? She more than likely has a few kids at home, as well as some festering STDs. You can tell a lot about a girl by the type of dudes she blows.

If you don't believe me that girls care whether a dick is cut or uncut, go out and ask any girl. If you're uncut and you played your cards right with a very very dumb girl, it's unlikely that she'll turn you down for sex. However, go out and ask a girl who looks like her mother didn't drink a gallon of bleach everyday while she was pregnant with her what she thinks about uncut dicks. I'm sure she will tell you about how disgusting they look and she would prefer a cut man, as opposed to an uncut man's mini elephant trunk penis.

So circumcised men have less sensitive penises? This may or may not be true, but does it matter? I have news for you, my penis is sensitive as fuck. I can feel everything that touches it and if it were any more sensitive, I would last even less than I already do. I'd be going from a two minute sex romp, to a minute and a half. My penis does not need to be any more sensitive. It's like having too much of a good thing. If I were a billionaire, would I care if I had an extra fifty dollars or not? No. So if I have an ultra sensitive penis, would I care, or even want it to be slightly more sensitive? I say that it's a blessing. It gives me more stamina than an uncircumcised man, all while still retaining enough sensitivity to cum in some hair.


Cocoa's Retort:
Really? Circumcision is for looks? How many times have you heard women sitting around - "You should have seen Todd's penis. It looked amazing." The only things women ever talk about regarding penises have to do with the size - the length, the girthiness, etc. Seems to me that women would be more inconvenienced or grossed out by the hair growing on the side of the penis than by some foreskin. Girls may say "Wow, I wanna fuck George Clooney," but no girl has even been heard saying "I wish I could stare at George Clooney's penis." Guys stare at boobs. We stare at asses. But girls don't stare at penises.

Most girls don't even notice when a penis isn't circumcised. Case in point: I was fooling around with a girl a few years ago, and after we'd boned a few times, we were talking, and she said "I will never do anything with an uncircumcised penis." I'm pretty sure I could still smell my foreskin on her breath. I liken foreskin to mushrooms. When I was a kid, I always hated having mushrooms on my pizza. I'm pretty sure that in actuality I just hated the thought of mushrooms enough that I knew I never wanted to taste them. However, when my parents forced me to eat it, I really couldn't even taste them; the only difference was the weird texture from them. Foreskin in the exact same way. It's just the thought of it that girls don't like, but at most, the only difference they'll notice is a change in texture.

When girls remember sex, they remember how hard it was. Even if they're bruised for a week and in horrible pain, in their memories the sex will have been great because it was so rough. We hear "he fucked my brains out." Or "I felt like I was choking on my own ovaries." What we don't hear is "he went slow, and paused occasionally for water breaks." It's obvious chicks remember roughness. That being said, do women ever remark "Gavin fucked me so hard I think he bruised my ribs. It would have been amazing...but that foreskin just looks so weird"? No.

And if you've got a girl who will actually blow you without having to be talked into doing it, she doesn't care what else goes along with it. You've always got some dried piss or spooge on it, some fuzz from your boxers, or some reminders scribbled on the head. When she's literally licking old dried up piss off the tip of your dick, she can't really complain about a little bit of extra skin. And besides, when you have a boner, you can barely even tell it's not circumcised anyways.

Best of all, there's always a surprise when you play with your uncircumcised penis. When I go to the bathroom and pull that foreskin back, I find all kinds of fun things. There can be little fuzz balls from my boxers that got stuck up under that skin. I can find a piece of hair up in there and remember what color hair the girl I slept with last night has (although if you're a cheater, you have to be careful that your blond girlfriend doesn't find unravel a long brown piece of hair when she's blowing you). If you have a fat broad that you use for some good head every now and then because your hot girlfriend sucks, you can hide some Chex Mix under the foreskin for a reward, like fat girl doggy treats.

The foreskin is great for party gags too. One of my favorites is to pinch the foreskin shut, piss a little, then stand over that guy passed out drunk on the couch and let it loose. That piss explodes of there, like a controlled mini piss balloon.

Some men refer to their beards as a "flavor saver". I use my foreskin the same way. I shower at night, so when I have sex after I shower, the snatch juice dries on my penis and is still on there when I'm at work the next day. When I'm feeling frisky or feel like I need a whiff of poon, I can just pull the foreskin back, which will "reactivate" the smell. It's like smelling your finger without being noticed.

Fisty's Retort:
Most girls, if they don't have brain damage, would notice whether or not a penis is circumcised. What kind of girl...not even girl, what kind of person would put anything in their mouth without taking a look at it first? I'm not just talking about penises here; it can be food, a tooth brush, a stick of gum, whatever. If it's going in your mouth, you're going to want to take a good look at it beforehand.

Every single detail is vital to banging a chick - well, unless she's a dirty, dirty whore. The wrong noise, move or the wrong texture can turn them off instantly and you'll be spooging in a paper towel that night, rather than in some chick's face. If she's sticking something in her mouth and feels some extra skin that shouldn't be there, her sex drive will be turned off like a light switch. Trying to persuade a girl into boning is very tricky and you need all the help you can get - and I reiterate, if she's not a dirty, dirty whore. Banging a whore is easy. Banging a chick whose vagina doesn't smell like truckers and fish sticks is a talent and you'll need your penis at its best for such an event.

One of the main health reasons that people opt for circumcision is to reduce the risk of infection. Yeah, you may have not got an infection, but a lot of bacteria can end up in the foreskin and cause some nasty shit to go on. Even if the bacteria that builds up in there doesn't cause an infection, it certainly will cause some funky smells. Girls have a super sense of smell and will point it out to you, laugh at you, not have sex with you, and then you'll black out and be wanted for murder. It's a situation that can be easily avoided by having an extra, useless, dangly piece of skin cut off.

Circumcision also deals with how much pride you take in yourself - how good you like to look and such. If you're the kind of guy who keeps in shape, wears decent clothing, and likes to shower on a daily basis, you're going to want a nice-looking penis. You're going to want the kind of penis that you can be proud of. The kind of penis you can look down at and say, "Hey penis, good job. Good job, penis, you look just like Brad Pitt." After you take a girl home with you and strip her naked, are you really going to want that extra slab of skin hanging off your man-wood staring her in the face? Girls may not stare at penises, but they certainly do look at them. They will notice something that looks like a disgusting skin growth at the end of it, which will definitely be a deal-breaker for all sane women. If her mother didn't drink a gallon of Clorox daily while she was pregnant, then she'll be instantly turned off at the site of your penis skin blanket, in return, throwing all your good moves and gallons of vodka out the window.

Fun reading:
A list of uncircumcised movie stars
Does circumcision aid or harm thrusting?
Home circumcision kit

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