Friday, September 11, 2009

Beer vs. Liquor

Everybody likes to have a good buzz going on. Going out to the bar or club and partying it up. Alcohol is a perfect solution for a chick who doesn't put out. If she's being a prude bitch, just get some alcohol in her somehow and watch her legs spread. If she's nowhere near bangable, put some alcohol in you and you'll be plowing her like she's a snow-covered road. Alcohol can make any event seem at least tolerable, if not fun. If it's your little brother bris, chug down some alcohol and you won't be contemplating mass homicide. Alcohol is a magical thing, but which type should you drink? Liquor or beer?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Liquor and beer, I do enjoy both. Mainly, because I like to get drunk and try to get in bed with a girl I would usually avoid sober. In the fight between liquor and beer, in my heart (and liver), liquor reigns supreme. A lot of people like the taste of beer. The taste of it actually sickens me. If you're going to drink something that tastes like balls, then do up some shots instead. You get drunk faster and they're pretty fun to do. Think about how awesome it is to be doing up a shot challenge with one of your buddies. Sure, you can do all of that with beer, chug down a can of PBR every time that your girlfriend says something stupid, but what fun is that? Beer just tastes like shit, it's not something that takes balls to drink. Be a man, down a shot of tequila instead. If your buddy chickens out, you can bang his girlfriend because he's a homo and his girl will now know this.

I like to just sit down on the couch, sip my rum and coke while I watch cartoons, and beat my girlfriend (or whoever I bring home that night). It's good fun. Can you do that with beer? Yes, but can you do that with class? Fuck no! You'll just look like a damn redneck getting drunk and beating his wife. However, if you're drinking a martini and you beat your wife, you'll be more suave than James Bond. Want to be a redneck or high school kid? Drink up the beer, fella. Want to be a badass classy son of a bitch? Drink up some liquor.

Liquor is far more alcoholic than beer. Liquor is about at 30-40% alcoholic, while beer is a pussy 6%. Remember this whenever you're in doubt: "liquor is quicker". This means that you'll be dropping less cash partying with liquor than with beer. Most mixers are sugary, and sugar pushes the alcohol into the bloodstream more quickly, thus getting you drunk even faster. You'll be drunk and having a great time in no time. Girly drinks are very sugary, so you can get girls shit housed more quickly with liquor. Order them an appletini or Johnny Vegas and their inhibitions will be out the window faster than their panties. Those drinks taste like candy so they'll drink them and not think twice about how drunk they're getting. If you keep ordering the girls those drinks, they'll keep drinking them. You may be thinking that that you're dropping a shit load of cash on them, but you have to remember that girls are smaller than men, so it takes a lot less alcohol to get them trashed, so maybe two or three drinks will do the trick. It'll cost you less than taking them out to dinner.

I'll even go the extra mile and contend that you can show your sensitive side with liquor. Drink up one of the aforementioned girly drinks and women will think that you're in touch with your feminine side and they'll love it! You order a red-headed slut at the bar and you just might be laying some serious pipe to a red-headed slut later that night. Isn't liquor great?

If you're going to school/church/court/your wedding/a funeral/Jr High School dance and don't want to be bored out of your mind, you can sneak a flask or catheter bag of liquor somewhere. You can't sneak beer anywhere. Do the math here - if takes only a few shots of vodka to get completely fucked up which can easily be disguised in a Gatorade or Pepsi bottle, and how many beers does it take to get drunk off your ass? At least eight on an empty stomach. You can sneak a flask anywhere in your sock, but if you're a beer guy, where are you going to stick a 12-pack of Bud Light ? In your boxers? In your rectum, held firmly in place by your sphincter? As much as I'd like to see that, that would be incredibly difficult and nearly impossible to pull off without resembling a penguin.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
You know who drinks appletinis? Women. You know who drinks Foster's? Men. Simple. Beer does, in fact, taste good. In fact, beer tastes so good that you can drink it without having to mix it with something first. With women, if you have to add a couple other women in with your girlfriend just to get a boner, then that should be a pretty good sign that your girlfriend's not hot enough, and you should switch to another one. And, unlike with liquor, when you drink beer without mixing it with something, you can drink more than one ounce of it at a time, and do it without that cringing look on your face that would make an onlooker assume somebody's about to finger you in the ass.

I like the social aspect of alcohol. I like to drink my alcohol slowly. Beer is something you drink slowly. You're at the bar with your friends, you order a beer, relax and talk. When you take shots, you just get shitfaced more quickly than you realize and before you know it, you're throwing up in the bathroom and missing out on the party. Nothing beats buying a pitcher and hanging with the guys. When you drink beer, it's a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, and you're less likely to get out of control and check out before you have a chance to dupe some dumb drunk girl into giving you a twisty.

The only people that have an excuse to drink liquor are girls. Girls are supposed to take the shots of hard shit, while men should drink beer. That way, the girl gets drunk much faster than the guy does, and when she's fading in and out of consciousness, you're still sober enough to drag her to an alley somewhere and take advantage of her.

Drinking liquor tends to make you do dumber shit than drinking beer does. When you get drunk off of beer, you're aware of how drunk you're getting. "I've been drinking for five hours. I've drank an entire 12-pack." Whereas if you're drinking liquor, you can get drunk too quickly and not realize it yet. "I just started drinking twenty minutes ago. I'm nowhere near drunk yet." Next thing you know, you're shit housed. Not that I'm against doing stupid things, but if I'm gonna get herpes, I at least wanna remember getting it.

Fisty's Retort:
You may have to "water down" liquor (with awesome things such as: energy drinks, coke, juice, cheese, more liquor) in order to take it down, but we forget that beer is already watered down...with piss. It looks like piss, it tastes like piss (don't ask me how I know this...okay...I'm into golden showers), so I'm assuming that beer is alcoholic piss. Beer is barely even alcoholic; you drink 8 ounces of beer and you won't even feel a buzz. On the other hand, if you drink 8 ounces of vodka, you'll be vomiting all over and banging every fat chick in sight (sometimes doing both these tasks at the same time!). Downing 8 ounces of vodka is the equivalent of 8 shots. That's why they have shots, because we liquor drinkers are classy mother fuckers and don't want to get shit faced immediately. I like to take a shot, drink a rum and coke, take another shot, drink an appetini, punch someone because they called me gay, and, if I'm still coherent, drink a few more mixed drinks and a shot, then bang my friend's mom and puke. What would you do if you drink beer? Drink, touch a minor, pass out. Fun, eh? Fuck! Kinda.

I, personally, do not enjoy having to take a piss every couple minutes. With beer, in order to get a good buzz going on you'll have to down at least a couple of beers. That'll fill up your bladder pretty decently. Most bars have gross as hell bathrooms. I recently took a piss while I was at a bar, and I had to empty my bladder in a trough. If that bar had been crowded, I'd be crossing streams with another dude. When I'm taking a piss, the only dick that I want to see is my own. If you do up some shots at the bar, you'll be going to the pisser less often than if you're downing a 32 oz draft. You'll have to piss so much that even when you do take a girl home, you have to stop every five minutes to piss. If you opt out of stopping to piss, get ready for the most uncomfortable car ride of your life.

If you're in a pinch, you can drink liquor outside the bar to save money. You don't want to take a half hour to slam a 6 pack when you could just take a few shots and be fine. Also, you won't have to piss by the time you get into the bar.

And I'm going to defend the appletini once more: Fuck you, they're delicious!

Cocoa's Retort:
If I'm going out to a bar, I'm buying a beer because I know what's in it. When I order some fruity-ass mixed drink, nine times out of ten, it's gonna be watered down like hell, and I never know how it's going to taste. People often ask "how are the Long Islands at so and so bar?", while nobody ever asks "How is the Bud at that bar?" You don't have to ask because you already know - delicious. If I'm going to spend $10 on a small cup of cranberry juice, Jessica Alba better have freshly squeezed those cranberries with her tits.

I don't know about you, but I hate hangovers. Waking up with a pounding headache, vomit crusted to the side of my face, in bed with my friend while my pants are off, and my hair all sticky from that friend's piss is not my idea of a fun time. When that happened, it was from drinking liquor (I mean, if that had happened...) It's far easier to get blackout drunk and get a hangover with liquor. Liquor is too intense and it's too easy to have a little too much; even one too many shots will tip you over the edge into hangover territory. You drink up a tall glass of rum and coke, you think it's a little strong, and next thing you know, you're waking up in some Mexican's house in Glendale, your head feeling like it's in a cement mixer. It's not that awesome. As I mentioned before, beer is a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, so you know what you're going to get. There's no guessing when you're going to get drunk and how drunk you're going to get. You already know how drunk you will get and how many beers it will take to get there.

Shots are lame as hell. I like to enjoy my drinking, not have it done in an instant while five other frat guys stand around me, rooting me on as they give each other reacharounds. Drinking is a lot like eating an awesome meal. Do I want it over in an instant? Fuck no. I want to savor the experience. You have to take down liquor in a microsecond because it tastes so shitty. Beer, on the other hand, is as if Jesus spooged in a frosty mug. It's heavenly, to say the least.

Be a man and stick with beer. And once more, you're a homo for liking appletinis, and even gayer for being proud of it.

Fun Reading:
Facts about alcohol consumption
Swift liquor recipes
Find out how much you can drink before you die!
Hilarious features of children born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

1 comment:

  1. Cocoa you are absolutely correct. Beer is the way to go, anything but light beer.