Monday, September 21, 2009

Chicks With Kids

Introduction:
Times certainly aren't how they used to be. The divorce rate is considerably higher since a generation ago, the marriage rate is getting lower every year, and the United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation in the world (and unfortunately, only approximately 35% of teen pregnancies end in abortion). We noted the "teen pregnancy" rate because, let's face it, if you're banging women who are old enough to drink, vote, and have their own passports, you obviously have no game and therefore this debate shouldn't apply to you. Nonetheless, these aforementioned factors result in an uncanny amount of young, unwed mothers roaming our villages. Should you bang all these young mothers? Can these mothers handle some new wood? You be the judge!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Chicks with kids are something that no one should ever want to get into. They are women with baggage in more than one way. Not only do they have that damn kid sucking whatever amount of life they have left out of them, but they always, for some reason, are completely nuts. You may think that a girl with a kid might want a one-night-stand to get away from her kid for a night, but no, she doesn't want fly-by vagina plowing; she wants a husband/father for her child. If you bang her, she is going to expect a wedding ring, bring up how you need to get to know/love her kid, accept the fact that she's a mother, meet her parents, like her family, let her move in with you, actually talk to her, yadda yadda yadda. The only thing you are interested in is your penis in her baby-hole, and that's not even that awesome.

When a baby pops out of a cooter, it devastates it. If a mother says that her vagina is just as tight as it ever was, she is a lying whore and should be beaten with a heavy blunt object, preferably the candlestick in the conservatory. You've heard about throwing a hot dog down a hallway; well, sticking your man-sausage into her meat locker will feel a lot like tossing a toothpick into the Grand Canyon. What do you expect? You have a small hole that can only stretch to about a couple inches in diameter for your wood, and then you have a shaved monkey popping through there that's a least a foot or so in diameter. It can heal, but not that much. And if she gets a C-section, then she'll have a big-ass scar on her stomach. Not something that I'd like to look at while I'm laying pipe on some broad.

If a girl breast feeds, then she'll have some gross boobs. You have a little baby sucking and squeezing all day on the boobs that you should be sucking and squeezing on. They get stretched and pulled until they're floppy and rubbery. Here's an image to think of: you go to suck on her tits during some not very satisfying sex, you bite on her nipple and it's very much like taking a bite out of an extremely cheesy pizza. You could seriously choke her with her own nipples, that's how stretchy they are. Remember Stretch Armstrong? Yeah, imagine if he had nipples.

Aside from the sex, her kid, or kids, are fucking annoying. They will always be crying, wanting their mom to pay attention to them, feed them, take them to the hospital and various things that you couldn't care less about. They will cock-block you every chance they get. You get excited about boning some girl and then her kid will be knocking at the door wanting attention or crying at the top of its lungs in its crib. Fucking kids, can't they go 20 minutes without their mom being in the room? Fuck them! If their kids are in a three mile radius and are alive, you will not be getting laid that night, my friend.

Once a girl gets pregnant, she immediately gets knocked down six hotness points. If she's a perfect ten, she's a four now! If she's a two, she's now a negative two! She will be immediately less bangable and more annoying after she's popped out a kid. She'll become a "mother" and walk around with a false sense of importance. In reality, she isn't important at all. Chances are she has no job (other than stripping) and she leaves the kid with her mom while she goes out and parties. What a great mom. Despite how small of a role that she actually plays in the kid's life, the kid will always be in the picture. This, in return, will drag her down and make her less appealing in every way imaginable.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Come on, man, we both know broads who have had kids. One 19-year-old mom was even telling me how all her friends basically ditched her once she had the kid and nobody wanted to hang out with her anymore. Even her husband doesn't want to bang her. She says that her friends just don't understand that she has to be home at a certain time, can't do certain things, etc, because she has a kid. This is often the case with moms. Most younger moms are slutty - because let's face it, that's why they ended up with the child in the first place. Because they're sluts, most men think of them solely as pieces of ass anyways and don't respect them, and once the broads have kids, they are no longer a viable piece of ass, and now these girls who are used to being able to have any guy they want can't get anyone.

This is where you come in.

We all know that chicks with low self esteem are the easiest broads out there, and when the high school football team's former finger puppet is now vaginally devastated, you need to fly in and swoop her up into a world of crazy sex. She's used to being date raped by a different jock every night and now the only man parts that have been in her vagina recently are the doctor's hands when he tried to yank that bitter little critter out of there. She's having sex withdrawals and will fuck like a banshee when she gets you into bed. Hell, she'll even let you piss on her if it means your unclothed penis is within a couple feet of her face. Sure, she may get attached way too quickly and assume you're going to be her future husband the moment she grabs your penis, but when you up and leave and never call her bloated ass again, she'll understand. Whether or not she's a good mother, she's still a mother, and she's seen men dart plenty of times before. Shit, after blasting her placenta onto the hospital floor and being beaten by her baby daddy, only to be subsequently used and abused by multiple men who never got to bang her in high school while she was actually still hot, there's probably not a whole lot you can do that would stun or hurt her.

When you're fooling around with younger or inexperienced girl, she may complain about moves hurting, bitching that you're pulling her hair, or saying you're her first love and that she wants to be with you forever. A broad with a child can handle any kind of sex move you try on her, and she has the episiotomy scars to prove it. A regular girl (since broads with kids can no longer be called "regular") might complain about being choked or slapped during sex, but after a girl has her vagina literally ripped open, a little slapping doesn't seem too painful.

And since she's a young unwed mother, she likely has several sources of income - easy money for her. Odds are high that she's a stripper. In that case, she'll have lots of money. Even better, she may just be using stripping as a good way to pick up new clients for her side business of prostitution. Even more lucrative. Even if she claims that she'll never degrade her body like that, she's at least getting child support from somebody. No matter what the situation, she will likely have an abundance of money on her at all times, and since this is money she didn't technically have to work for, she won't hold on it too tightly. Better yet, if she's bitter at her baby daddy, it should be pretty easy to talk her into spending all her child support money on you just to spite that fucker.

Fisty's Retort:
Surveys have shown that if you spend your time reading a website about circumcision and rape, you most likely have manipulated a junior high girl into giving you a twisty. Sadly, young mothers tend to have the ugliest of babies. Take a look at all the girls you went to high school with who had kids either before graduating or a year or two after. How many of them have had cute kids? Very few, if not none. How many have fat kids because they feed them too much? How many of those kids look like the result of a walrus making love to cabbage patch kid? Odds are, you won't be having any accidents until five or six years after these girls do, so when your son is graduating from college and wants to bang a high school girl to celebrate, none of the children from the young mothers will be up to his standards.

These women are shitty, too. They're so shitty that a man will actually pay half his paycheck to not be around her. What does this say about the girl when someone is willing to work over forty hours a week just for the freedom of not spending his time with her? It says a lot about how stupid, annoying and/or how much of a bitch she is. The ironic thing is that these guys leave these broads to go spend even more money to get another chick with a kid to get naked. Yet, I digress.

You won't even want to stick it to one these girls after a while because she will not shut up about her kid. "Oh my kid is so amazing! I love my kid! My kid is so sweet, she never cries." That's because your kid is autistic. Now shut the hell up and put out. Every mother thinks that her kid is a genius and so cute, when in reality her kid is an ugly troll that shits itself. If her kid isn't building rockets and finding a cure for cancer, then it's not amazing. Oh, your kid doesn't cry? Good job! I don't cry, do I get a medal? The truth is, girls with kids aren't interesting at all. This is why they're pregnant and single in the first place. They aren't interesting to talk to, so they're not worth being friends with, so the only thing that they can offer people is sex.

On top of everything else, these girls are usually morons. They are stupid because they boned without a condom, didn't use birth control or are too stupid to realize that you aren't supposed to take antibiotics when you're on it. Another reason why they're stupid is after they did get knocked up, they didn't get an abortion! Anyone with two brains cells knows that if you're gonna have a kid with someone you barely know, vacuum that little fucker out of there. It's not rocket science. The bottom line is that these girls are too stupid to even put up with for more than half a microsecond, and in return, should be avoided at all costs.

Cocoa's Retort:
Although I hate to bring it up, broads with kids are useful if you're looking to get married. Now now now, I'm not saying you should be looking to get married, but let's say you have a reason for getting married young. For example, you have a terminal health condition that will leave you crippled and in a wheelchair by the time you're in your mid-thirties. In that case, you're definitely going to want some people who are legally and/or morally obliged to push your ass around and provide for you all day. And if you have to get married, a chick who already has kids is the way to go.

As I mentioned before, a chick who already has kids is either getting child support, government assistance, or both. Many men who date girls with kids often resent the fact that they're raising some other man's child. I dare you to look at it the other way - see it as the other man raising your child. It's the best. He pays for most of the child's things, and he takes the kid away from you on weekends, so you have some quality time to spend without the little fucker annoying you. In addition, the kid will have another set of aunts, grandparents, etc. to watch him when needed. It's definitely the way to go. How many other men can say that they don't pay for any of their kid's necessities and they have a plethora of family members to pawn the kid off on? In addition, you don't have to deal with the year that the mother's pregnant and healing from the pregnancy. The other guy had to deal with all that.

Fun Reading:
Birth stories from young mothers
Single mothers who have given up finding love
Where to find an abortion clinic in your area

Friday, September 11, 2009

Rape: Deaf vs. Blind

Introduction:
Rape is a common thing that we all have to deal with in everyday life, like making a sandwich, watering flowers, or turning those shit-stained boxers inside out when you wash them. There's a good chance (if you're a girl or a little boy) that you will get raped at one point, if you haven't been already. Wolves like to pick off the smallest and weakest members of the pack, and this goes for humans, as well. If someone has to be raped, who should it be? The deaf or the blind?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Hands down, deaf people are the better of the two to rape. If you're raping a girl, what does she do? She cries and screams for help. Well, if she's deaf she'll be whining, but she won't be calling out for someone to save her ass. She'll squawk something that sounds like a seal with his slippery little cock slammed in a door. This will be annoying, of course, but no one will care. People will probably just think that some retard sprained her ankle. Thus, nobody will come to help her, and the neighbors will be pissed off at all the ruckus. Plus, I don't have to stuff a sock in her mouth, which is one less thing I have to bring along in my rape tool kit, which includes the following:

1. My penis

You don't have to go all out with supplies when you go out and rape a deaf girl. Just bring the bare essentials.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying rape is right. Okay, maybe I am. So if it must be done, do you want to get caught? Fuck no! That's why a deaf person is the preferred choice by many a rapist. You can sneak up behind them and they won't hear you. You'll be donkey punching her in her assisted living home and you can grunt and tell her all your secrets, “My name is Frank Smith, I live on 234 South Main Street. I enjoy cooking waffles in my sister's panties while I touch myself!” And you know what she'll do about it? Nothing. She can't hear shit, so there's no way that she'll be able to point you out if she hears your voice at the super market while you're buying lube and pineapples.

A lot of deaf people have a certain type of hearing aid which is basically a magnet that sticks to their skull. I'm not sure how this works, but I'm guessing that they have a magnet inserted into their scalp...or their skull is magnetic. I don't know the mechanics of it, but how awesome would it be to stick refrigerator magnets on them? Remember as a kid when you had the alphabet magnets on your fridge? While your mom was on the crapper, you would spell out your name, or something like "BITCH GET OFF THE SHITTER AND MAKE SOME DINNER BEFORE DAD BEATS YOU AGAIN". Oh, how awesome it was being a kid. Now take that awesomeness and apply it to nailing a deaf chick. She'll be walking around the next day like a penguin with "PENIS BLANKETS" spelled out on the side of her head with colorful magnets, alongside a magnet from the pizza place down the road.

I'm a man who likes to laugh. Nothing makes my nipples harder than a good joke. Think about this one, is there anything more funny than raping a deaf chick? I doubt it. Well, possibly raping a deaf chick while she screams in sign language. But putting some mittens on her should shut her right up.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
You can take the deaf ones out. That's fine because I'll be going after the blind ones. Blind girls are easily picked off from the pack. In fact, they pick themselves off. When the broad can't see the road signs, she can easily wander into traffic. Better yet, she can unknowingly wander into a rat maze of fake walls leading right into my van. She's like a sexy, mismatched rat in a maze...who is about to get raped.

Many girls contend that when a guy has sex with them when they're drunk that it's rape, when in reality, it's not, because they didn't actually say "no". At least when I'm raping a blind girl, it's rape rape. A deaf girl can't say no, so it's not actually rape. A blind girl hollers for you to stop, and screams out in pain and agony. If I'm going to rape someone, I'm going to make sure it's actually rape. If you're going to do something, do it right.

And what's cool about blind girls is that they usually wear those sunglasses to cover up their weird eyes. So even when she's crying for help, she'll look sleek and hip while she's doing it. You can take a blind girl anywhere to do the deed, and once it's over and someone finds her meandering around the streets, you'll be long gone. And since she's blind, she'll have no idea where you took her. She won't even know what kind of building it was in.

Why would you wanna rape a deaf girl anyways? She's not even really handicapped. Sure, she can't hear a train coming, but she's not really disabled. What kind of person would rape a girl who's not even disabled? That's just wrong. The whole point of rape is to dominate the girl, and how can you feel dominant if she's not screaming? I'd rather not go through all the trouble of raping someone if all the screaming that's going to go on is some deaf girl jibber-jabber. It'd be a hell of a lot easier just to throw my girlfriend facedown on the bed and put a picture of Portia de Rossi on her back while shoving her face into the pillow. The sounds would be the same.

Fisty's Retort:
Everyone knows that blind girls have a cat-like sense of hearing. Could this be detrimental to a budding rapist? Yes! She may not be able to see, but you'll be fucked when she hears you coming before you even decide to rape her. I don't know much about blind people other than what I've seen in movies, and let me tell you: they scare the hell out of me. I watched the movie Ray a little bit ago; it was a documentary about the blind pianist, Ray Charles. Ray Charles didn't use a cane or dog to navigate. His sense of hearing was so badass that he used fucking sonar! He was like a real life Dare Devil. He would listen to the way that his footsteps bounced off walls and other objects. If you run into a girl who's like that, she'll be able to hear you coming a mile away. She will know that you're coming and be prepared. Deaf girls, on the other hand, wouldn't have this advantage. If you sneak up behind them, they would neither see you, nor hear you.

Blind girls know that bad shit is going to happen. They're always on edge and overly cautious. They already can't see, and yet they still wear sunglasses. What good does that do? Are they afraid they might get even more blind? How is this bad for me? Think about it: you're going to rape a girl who takes too many precautions. She's lost the most important sense, so she has to make up for it in every way possible. She will be more aggressive whenever possible and use her other senses to the best of her ability. She knows that people are going to try to fuck with her. You'll be regretting it immediately once you make the wrong noise around her.

A deaf girl doesn't have a dog that I'll have to worry about immobilizing. And on top of that, blind people have canes as well. You sneak up behind a blind chick and SMACK! She'll whack you in the face like a fat Mexican kid whacking a pinata. So what will you get out of raping a blind chick? A dog biting your ass in half and a cane to the nuts. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun to me.

One last thing: blind chicks always have weird eyes. It's like they're both kind of off in their own little world. They either have that creepy white film over them, or one is usually looking up and to the right while the other is down and slightly to the left. It's a huge turn off, and I can't afford to lose my wood while I'm sticking it to any chick.

Cocoa's Retort:
Just because she's deaf doesn't mean that she's Helen Keller; she can still write, and she'll write out your description. A blind girl can't see you coming - she can't even see what you look like. Sure, she might be able to feel your face and give your description to the police, but if you're any kind of a decent rapist, you'll have her arms broken before she has a chance to do this. Deaf girls are always talking in sign language, which means that their hands are pretty fit. This can be detrimental to you because she will be able to get a mean grip on your face and gouge your eyes out. If you're trying to rape a deaf girl and a blind girl, the deaf girl will have the mace out and ready to fire while the blind girl will still be fumbling around in her purse for it.

And you're really worried about having to take a seeing eye dog out of commission? They're trained to stop for moving vehicles, not tear your arms off. Essentially, seeing eye dogs keep their blind person out of harm's way. Dogs fuck other dogs without consent all the time. So if the dog sees a rape, he'll probably just think that you got your dick stuck in the girl. He'll sit there patiently and wait for it to be over, then he'll drag the girl on home, and if he's a really good dog, he'll lick off her wounds.

Fun Reading:
Awesome facts about deaf people and their culture

Photos of blind people playing sports

Unique issues faced by deaf victims of sexual assault

Beer vs. Liquor

Introduction:
Everybody likes to have a good buzz going on. Going out to the bar or club and partying it up. Alcohol is a perfect solution for a chick who doesn't put out. If she's being a prude bitch, just get some alcohol in her somehow and watch her legs spread. If she's nowhere near bangable, put some alcohol in you and you'll be plowing her like she's a snow-covered road. Alcohol can make any event seem at least tolerable, if not fun. If it's your little brother bris, chug down some alcohol and you won't be contemplating mass homicide. Alcohol is a magical thing, but which type should you drink? Liquor or beer?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Liquor and beer, I do enjoy both. Mainly, because I like to get drunk and try to get in bed with a girl I would usually avoid sober. In the fight between liquor and beer, in my heart (and liver), liquor reigns supreme. A lot of people like the taste of beer. The taste of it actually sickens me. If you're going to drink something that tastes like balls, then do up some shots instead. You get drunk faster and they're pretty fun to do. Think about how awesome it is to be doing up a shot challenge with one of your buddies. Sure, you can do all of that with beer, chug down a can of PBR every time that your girlfriend says something stupid, but what fun is that? Beer just tastes like shit, it's not something that takes balls to drink. Be a man, down a shot of tequila instead. If your buddy chickens out, you can bang his girlfriend because he's a homo and his girl will now know this.

I like to just sit down on the couch, sip my rum and coke while I watch cartoons, and beat my girlfriend (or whoever I bring home that night). It's good fun. Can you do that with beer? Yes, but can you do that with class? Fuck no! You'll just look like a damn redneck getting drunk and beating his wife. However, if you're drinking a martini and you beat your wife, you'll be more suave than James Bond. Want to be a redneck or high school kid? Drink up the beer, fella. Want to be a badass classy son of a bitch? Drink up some liquor.

Liquor is far more alcoholic than beer. Liquor is about at 30-40% alcoholic, while beer is a pussy 6%. Remember this whenever you're in doubt: "liquor is quicker". This means that you'll be dropping less cash partying with liquor than with beer. Most mixers are sugary, and sugar pushes the alcohol into the bloodstream more quickly, thus getting you drunk even faster. You'll be drunk and having a great time in no time. Girly drinks are very sugary, so you can get girls shit housed more quickly with liquor. Order them an appletini or Johnny Vegas and their inhibitions will be out the window faster than their panties. Those drinks taste like candy so they'll drink them and not think twice about how drunk they're getting. If you keep ordering the girls those drinks, they'll keep drinking them. You may be thinking that that you're dropping a shit load of cash on them, but you have to remember that girls are smaller than men, so it takes a lot less alcohol to get them trashed, so maybe two or three drinks will do the trick. It'll cost you less than taking them out to dinner.

I'll even go the extra mile and contend that you can show your sensitive side with liquor. Drink up one of the aforementioned girly drinks and women will think that you're in touch with your feminine side and they'll love it! You order a red-headed slut at the bar and you just might be laying some serious pipe to a red-headed slut later that night. Isn't liquor great?

If you're going to school/church/court/your wedding/a funeral/Jr High School dance and don't want to be bored out of your mind, you can sneak a flask or catheter bag of liquor somewhere. You can't sneak beer anywhere. Do the math here - if takes only a few shots of vodka to get completely fucked up which can easily be disguised in a Gatorade or Pepsi bottle, and how many beers does it take to get drunk off your ass? At least eight on an empty stomach. You can sneak a flask anywhere in your sock, but if you're a beer guy, where are you going to stick a 12-pack of Bud Light ? In your boxers? In your rectum, held firmly in place by your sphincter? As much as I'd like to see that, that would be incredibly difficult and nearly impossible to pull off without resembling a penguin.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
You know who drinks appletinis? Women. You know who drinks Foster's? Men. Simple. Beer does, in fact, taste good. In fact, beer tastes so good that you can drink it without having to mix it with something first. With women, if you have to add a couple other women in with your girlfriend just to get a boner, then that should be a pretty good sign that your girlfriend's not hot enough, and you should switch to another one. And, unlike with liquor, when you drink beer without mixing it with something, you can drink more than one ounce of it at a time, and do it without that cringing look on your face that would make an onlooker assume somebody's about to finger you in the ass.

I like the social aspect of alcohol. I like to drink my alcohol slowly. Beer is something you drink slowly. You're at the bar with your friends, you order a beer, relax and talk. When you take shots, you just get shitfaced more quickly than you realize and before you know it, you're throwing up in the bathroom and missing out on the party. Nothing beats buying a pitcher and hanging with the guys. When you drink beer, it's a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, and you're less likely to get out of control and check out before you have a chance to dupe some dumb drunk girl into giving you a twisty.

The only people that have an excuse to drink liquor are girls. Girls are supposed to take the shots of hard shit, while men should drink beer. That way, the girl gets drunk much faster than the guy does, and when she's fading in and out of consciousness, you're still sober enough to drag her to an alley somewhere and take advantage of her.

Drinking liquor tends to make you do dumber shit than drinking beer does. When you get drunk off of beer, you're aware of how drunk you're getting. "I've been drinking for five hours. I've drank an entire 12-pack." Whereas if you're drinking liquor, you can get drunk too quickly and not realize it yet. "I just started drinking twenty minutes ago. I'm nowhere near drunk yet." Next thing you know, you're shit housed. Not that I'm against doing stupid things, but if I'm gonna get herpes, I at least wanna remember getting it.

Fisty's Retort:
You may have to "water down" liquor (with awesome things such as: energy drinks, coke, juice, cheese, more liquor) in order to take it down, but we forget that beer is already watered down...with piss. It looks like piss, it tastes like piss (don't ask me how I know this...okay...I'm into golden showers), so I'm assuming that beer is alcoholic piss. Beer is barely even alcoholic; you drink 8 ounces of beer and you won't even feel a buzz. On the other hand, if you drink 8 ounces of vodka, you'll be vomiting all over and banging every fat chick in sight (sometimes doing both these tasks at the same time!). Downing 8 ounces of vodka is the equivalent of 8 shots. That's why they have shots, because we liquor drinkers are classy mother fuckers and don't want to get shit faced immediately. I like to take a shot, drink a rum and coke, take another shot, drink an appetini, punch someone because they called me gay, and, if I'm still coherent, drink a few more mixed drinks and a shot, then bang my friend's mom and puke. What would you do if you drink beer? Drink, touch a minor, pass out. Fun, eh? Fuck! Kinda.

I, personally, do not enjoy having to take a piss every couple minutes. With beer, in order to get a good buzz going on you'll have to down at least a couple of beers. That'll fill up your bladder pretty decently. Most bars have gross as hell bathrooms. I recently took a piss while I was at a bar, and I had to empty my bladder in a trough. If that bar had been crowded, I'd be crossing streams with another dude. When I'm taking a piss, the only dick that I want to see is my own. If you do up some shots at the bar, you'll be going to the pisser less often than if you're downing a 32 oz draft. You'll have to piss so much that even when you do take a girl home, you have to stop every five minutes to piss. If you opt out of stopping to piss, get ready for the most uncomfortable car ride of your life.

If you're in a pinch, you can drink liquor outside the bar to save money. You don't want to take a half hour to slam a 6 pack when you could just take a few shots and be fine. Also, you won't have to piss by the time you get into the bar.

And I'm going to defend the appletini once more: Fuck you, they're delicious!

Cocoa's Retort:
If I'm going out to a bar, I'm buying a beer because I know what's in it. When I order some fruity-ass mixed drink, nine times out of ten, it's gonna be watered down like hell, and I never know how it's going to taste. People often ask "how are the Long Islands at so and so bar?", while nobody ever asks "How is the Bud at that bar?" You don't have to ask because you already know - delicious. If I'm going to spend $10 on a small cup of cranberry juice, Jessica Alba better have freshly squeezed those cranberries with her tits.

I don't know about you, but I hate hangovers. Waking up with a pounding headache, vomit crusted to the side of my face, in bed with my friend while my pants are off, and my hair all sticky from that friend's piss is not my idea of a fun time. When that happened, it was from drinking liquor (I mean, if that had happened...) It's far easier to get blackout drunk and get a hangover with liquor. Liquor is too intense and it's too easy to have a little too much; even one too many shots will tip you over the edge into hangover territory. You drink up a tall glass of rum and coke, you think it's a little strong, and next thing you know, you're waking up in some Mexican's house in Glendale, your head feeling like it's in a cement mixer. It's not that awesome. As I mentioned before, beer is a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, so you know what you're going to get. There's no guessing when you're going to get drunk and how drunk you're going to get. You already know how drunk you will get and how many beers it will take to get there.

Shots are lame as hell. I like to enjoy my drinking, not have it done in an instant while five other frat guys stand around me, rooting me on as they give each other reacharounds. Drinking is a lot like eating an awesome meal. Do I want it over in an instant? Fuck no. I want to savor the experience. You have to take down liquor in a microsecond because it tastes so shitty. Beer, on the other hand, is as if Jesus spooged in a frosty mug. It's heavenly, to say the least.

Be a man and stick with beer. And once more, you're a homo for liking appletinis, and even gayer for being proud of it.

Fun Reading:
Facts about alcohol consumption
Swift liquor recipes
Find out how much you can drink before you die!
Hilarious features of children born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Circumcision

Introduction:
Circumcision is defined as to "cut off the foreskin of (a young boy or man, esp. a baby) as a religiousrite, esp. in Judaism and Islam, or as a medical treatment". In the United States, 75% of males are circumcised, while the rate for the entire world is only 30%. Like all things involving genital mutilation, it's become a controversial topic in recent years. Some contend that it's an inhumane practice, while others argue that it's healthy and makes the penis look better. Which side is right? You be the judge.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I think that circumcision is fucked up. Within days after your birth, a doctor cuts off part of your penis - without your consent. Unless you're within one hotness point of Eliza Dushku or I'm forcing myself onto you at gunpoint in an alley, you don't even come near my penis, much less mangle it. When a priest feels up a six-year-old, that's child molestation. A doctor mangling your penis upon your birth is toddler molestation, which I feel is a greater offense.

Many people in favor of circumcision erroneously claim they have the procedure done on their sons because "it's clean." That is complete shit. Up until I was about the age of 12 or so (maybe 20, 21, who's counting?), I took a bath once a week. Some weeks, it would be both Sunday and Wednesday, but by and large, Sunday was bath day. And since I was raised on a sheep farm in the middle of nowhere, it was customary in our family to share bathwater (well, it was a necessity, since there wasn't enough hot water for everyone to take a bath in the same day). It wasn't until junior high school that I started taking showers, and that was on a mostly daily basis. And not once in my entire life did I ever have a dick infection. Not even after banging that homeless girl in Boston.

In fact, I have evidence that circumcision is actually detrimental to penis cleansing. When my nephew was born, he was circumcised, and my sister couldn't even put him in a bath for a week or two while his penis healed. How fucked up is that?

Female circumcision is still practiced in many tribes in Africa, and parts of Asia (the fucked up parts, presumably middle eastern). Most of the world frowns upon this practice. Even the World Health Organization and the United Nations condemn female circumcision. But like the cheerleader who gets the train run on her by the lacrosse team and insists she's not slutty, people seem to think that male circumcision is different and somehow acceptable. Some people who argue for circumcision will point to studies that show uncircumcised men are more likely to get HIV than circumcised men. This may be true, since the foreskin is porous and can absorb the virus more easily. This is a stupid argument, however, since not being circumcised doesn't create HIV, it simply increases your risk of contracting it if your partner has it. Well jackass, maybe you shouldn't be banging black people (oops, I mean, people with HIV) in the first place.

In addition, studies have shown that the foreskin contains the most sensitive parts of the penis and that circumcised men have less sensitive penises because the head is exposed all the time. This leads to less fulfilling orgasms and less satisfaction during sex. So, let's sum this up: a doctor snips off the sensitive part of your penis when you're an infant, causing you to have less satisfaction during sex when you're older. Sounds like a stupid practice to me.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Circumcision isn't about cleanliness or anything. Circumcision comes down to one simple fact: it makes your penis look better. Take a look at your penis - it's not the most attractive thing in the world. Now imagine what your penis would look like if it had a love child with an elephant trunk. That's right. It's fucking disgusting. No girl within 100 miles would be caught dead with it in broad daylight. You think you'll be able to bang that one busty chick from the mall and see her tits flopping around? Nope, sorry, the last thing she wants to see is your Frankenwiener.

A lot of people may claim that circumcision is child abuse and is traumatizing to the baby. I disgree. I was circumcised and I turned out perfectly fine with a penis that isn't afraid to punch Hercules in the face. Child birth is a bitch for any baby. You're in the womb all happy and warm, and then out of nowhere you get squeezed out of a small hole that's not even big enough for your head to fit through. No matter how traumatizing this is, nearly all children turn out just fine (the small percentage of children who don't turn out well after birth are usually crack babies. Or Italians). And after you've been through all that, if a doctor told the baby, "Hey, since you've had your head smashed into a cone shape coming out of your mom's vagina, the least we can do is make your penis pretty, appear longer and, overall, more appealing to chicks," I'm sure that baby would go for it in a heartbeat! Wouldn't you?

Thankfully, no one remembers birth, and also, no one remembers getting that nasty little skin snipped off. An infant's brain has not developed far enough at that point to make any memories. When you're that young, the only thing you know how to do is based on instinct: you cry, eat, shit, and try to breathe - that's it. So when people say how it traumatizes children, you can call bullshit. Do you remember hanging out in your mom's vagina? (If you're from Alabama, ignore that question) Do you remember being born? Do you even remember anything before you were two? No, no, and no.

May it be healthier? Perhaps not, but what does that matter if a girl doesn't want to go down on you? I've never had the chance to smell a penis before, but I'm pretty sure that the extra skin folds on an uncircumcised penis would smell pretty rank. So let's see here, when you've got a penis that looks like a corn dog loosely wrapped in layers of roast beef which smells like dirty balls, mix that with the smell of your already dirty balls and you've got the perfect storm for no blow jobs. Is that little extra, saggy, ugly skin really worth forfeiting blow jobs for? Some girls may give head to an uncircumcised guy, but would you really want oral satisfaction from a girl who's willing to put that atrocity in her mouth? Really? She more than likely has a few kids at home, as well as some festering STDs. You can tell a lot about a girl by the type of dudes she blows.

If you don't believe me that girls care whether a dick is cut or uncut, go out and ask any girl. If you're uncut and you played your cards right with a very very dumb girl, it's unlikely that she'll turn you down for sex. However, go out and ask a girl who looks like her mother didn't drink a gallon of bleach everyday while she was pregnant with her what she thinks about uncut dicks. I'm sure she will tell you about how disgusting they look and she would prefer a cut man, as opposed to an uncut man's mini elephant trunk penis.

So circumcised men have less sensitive penises? This may or may not be true, but does it matter? I have news for you, my penis is sensitive as fuck. I can feel everything that touches it and if it were any more sensitive, I would last even less than I already do. I'd be going from a two minute sex romp, to a minute and a half. My penis does not need to be any more sensitive. It's like having too much of a good thing. If I were a billionaire, would I care if I had an extra fifty dollars or not? No. So if I have an ultra sensitive penis, would I care, or even want it to be slightly more sensitive? I say that it's a blessing. It gives me more stamina than an uncircumcised man, all while still retaining enough sensitivity to cum in some hair.


Cocoa's Retort:
Really? Circumcision is for looks? How many times have you heard women sitting around - "You should have seen Todd's penis. It looked amazing." The only things women ever talk about regarding penises have to do with the size - the length, the girthiness, etc. Seems to me that women would be more inconvenienced or grossed out by the hair growing on the side of the penis than by some foreskin. Girls may say "Wow, I wanna fuck George Clooney," but no girl has even been heard saying "I wish I could stare at George Clooney's penis." Guys stare at boobs. We stare at asses. But girls don't stare at penises.

Most girls don't even notice when a penis isn't circumcised. Case in point: I was fooling around with a girl a few years ago, and after we'd boned a few times, we were talking, and she said "I will never do anything with an uncircumcised penis." I'm pretty sure I could still smell my foreskin on her breath. I liken foreskin to mushrooms. When I was a kid, I always hated having mushrooms on my pizza. I'm pretty sure that in actuality I just hated the thought of mushrooms enough that I knew I never wanted to taste them. However, when my parents forced me to eat it, I really couldn't even taste them; the only difference was the weird texture from them. Foreskin in the exact same way. It's just the thought of it that girls don't like, but at most, the only difference they'll notice is a change in texture.

When girls remember sex, they remember how hard it was. Even if they're bruised for a week and in horrible pain, in their memories the sex will have been great because it was so rough. We hear "he fucked my brains out." Or "I felt like I was choking on my own ovaries." What we don't hear is "he went slow, and paused occasionally for water breaks." It's obvious chicks remember roughness. That being said, do women ever remark "Gavin fucked me so hard I think he bruised my ribs. It would have been amazing...but that foreskin just looks so weird"? No.

And if you've got a girl who will actually blow you without having to be talked into doing it, she doesn't care what else goes along with it. You've always got some dried piss or spooge on it, some fuzz from your boxers, or some reminders scribbled on the head. When she's literally licking old dried up piss off the tip of your dick, she can't really complain about a little bit of extra skin. And besides, when you have a boner, you can barely even tell it's not circumcised anyways.

Best of all, there's always a surprise when you play with your uncircumcised penis. When I go to the bathroom and pull that foreskin back, I find all kinds of fun things. There can be little fuzz balls from my boxers that got stuck up under that skin. I can find a piece of hair up in there and remember what color hair the girl I slept with last night has (although if you're a cheater, you have to be careful that your blond girlfriend doesn't find unravel a long brown piece of hair when she's blowing you). If you have a fat broad that you use for some good head every now and then because your hot girlfriend sucks, you can hide some Chex Mix under the foreskin for a reward, like fat girl doggy treats.

The foreskin is great for party gags too. One of my favorites is to pinch the foreskin shut, piss a little, then stand over that guy passed out drunk on the couch and let it loose. That piss explodes of there, like a controlled mini piss balloon.

Some men refer to their beards as a "flavor saver". I use my foreskin the same way. I shower at night, so when I have sex after I shower, the snatch juice dries on my penis and is still on there when I'm at work the next day. When I'm feeling frisky or feel like I need a whiff of poon, I can just pull the foreskin back, which will "reactivate" the smell. It's like smelling your finger without being noticed.

Fisty's Retort:
Most girls, if they don't have brain damage, would notice whether or not a penis is circumcised. What kind of girl...not even girl, what kind of person would put anything in their mouth without taking a look at it first? I'm not just talking about penises here; it can be food, a tooth brush, a stick of gum, whatever. If it's going in your mouth, you're going to want to take a good look at it beforehand.

Every single detail is vital to banging a chick - well, unless she's a dirty, dirty whore. The wrong noise, move or the wrong texture can turn them off instantly and you'll be spooging in a paper towel that night, rather than in some chick's face. If she's sticking something in her mouth and feels some extra skin that shouldn't be there, her sex drive will be turned off like a light switch. Trying to persuade a girl into boning is very tricky and you need all the help you can get - and I reiterate, if she's not a dirty, dirty whore. Banging a whore is easy. Banging a chick whose vagina doesn't smell like truckers and fish sticks is a talent and you'll need your penis at its best for such an event.

One of the main health reasons that people opt for circumcision is to reduce the risk of infection. Yeah, you may have not got an infection, but a lot of bacteria can end up in the foreskin and cause some nasty shit to go on. Even if the bacteria that builds up in there doesn't cause an infection, it certainly will cause some funky smells. Girls have a super sense of smell and will point it out to you, laugh at you, not have sex with you, and then you'll black out and be wanted for murder. It's a situation that can be easily avoided by having an extra, useless, dangly piece of skin cut off.

Circumcision also deals with how much pride you take in yourself - how good you like to look and such. If you're the kind of guy who keeps in shape, wears decent clothing, and likes to shower on a daily basis, you're going to want a nice-looking penis. You're going to want the kind of penis that you can be proud of. The kind of penis you can look down at and say, "Hey penis, good job. Good job, penis, you look just like Brad Pitt." After you take a girl home with you and strip her naked, are you really going to want that extra slab of skin hanging off your man-wood staring her in the face? Girls may not stare at penises, but they certainly do look at them. They will notice something that looks like a disgusting skin growth at the end of it, which will definitely be a deal-breaker for all sane women. If her mother didn't drink a gallon of Clorox daily while she was pregnant, then she'll be instantly turned off at the site of your penis skin blanket, in return, throwing all your good moves and gallons of vodka out the window.

Fun reading:
A list of uncircumcised movie stars
Does circumcision aid or harm thrusting?
Home circumcision kit