Thursday, December 17, 2009

Domestic Abuse

Introduction:
Domestic abuse is when a husband, or wife (if the man's a pussy), beats his/her spouse. This can be caused by a multitude of reasons: dominance, a horribly cooked dinner, showing off to friends/co-workers, etc. Domestic abuse, though illegal, was largely accepted and rarely prosecuted up until the women's rights movement. At this point, women started going to college, started getting real jobs, stopped waiting on men hand and foot, and stopped enjoying being beaten. Is the world a better place now that women are presented the illusion that they're equal to men? Or is it a good thing thing that domestic abuse is against the law? Let's debate this bitch out.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I have a proposal: I feel that a state should take on the issue of domestic abuse. Whereas some states (California, Michigan, etc) have legalized medical marijuana, others (Massachusetts, Vermont, etc) have legalized gay marriage, and Nevada has legalized prostitution, the next logical step in this progression is a state legalizing domestic abuse.

Sure, some people may think that beating women is wrong or immoral or too easy to even be fun, but that's why we should try it out in one state to see how it works. And it will be a great way to jump start the economy. Opponents may contend that the only people who would move to an area with legalized domestic abuse are rednecks, but they are mistaken. Those people don't care if it's legal - they'll do it wherever. No, my friend, the people who would move to this state are the high rollers, the people with big money from the big cities. These are people who live under constant scrutiny by the public (celebrities, politicians, etc), and who can't afford to beat their wives, for these men know that their wives have the divorce papers in hand, just waiting for the husband to slip up so that they can get a better settlement. These are men with lots to lose.

Not only would this state attract the wealthy, but its cities would flourish. From all over the country, and from other countries as well, men would frolick to these utopian cities, where women are well-behaved and in line. Within a generation, women would finally be able to be put in their place. For the first time in decades, a man would be able to beat his wife for talking back, making an inferior meal, or not doing something to lose that ten pounds she's been complaining about for years.

The domestic abuse in this wonderful place wouldn't be the type of abuse Americans are used to. It wouldn't be your typical beer-fueled skank fight that you see among redneck couples. This would be public slapping, punching, and the occasional kick to the snatch in some situations. In much the same way that women slap men for cheating with high schoolers, parents spank their children, and black people yell at their TVs, men would be able to slap their women around to make them act their best.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
When you think about domestic abuse, what do you think of? That's right! A fat, dirty redneck with a PBR in one hand, and roadkill in the other (he beats his wife with both). I'm not taking the women's rights side of the argument - more of men's rights here. I think we, as men, are better than that. There are far more effective and classy ways to punish women for not knowing how to cook a hot dog, or dragging her teeth during oral sex, other than punching them in the head. We're far too awesome for that shit.

Beating women is just low. It's the equivalent of beating the shit out of a child, or terminal cancer patient. Despite how hilarious it may be, we can do better. Think about this shit: what would you rather do if she cooks your steak medium rare when you asked for rare? A.) Beat her, or B.) Have sex with her friend. The obvious answer it B. Why? Well, if you beat your wife, she's going to look pretty ugly. Big bloody lip, black eye, missing a tooth or six. You deserve better than to have sex with someone that ugly. Plus, she'll cry a lot, which will get pretty damn annoying pretty damn fast. This will result in you beating her again, which will in turn make her more ugly. It's a vicious circle. Yet, if you have sex with her friend, not only can you have sex with her friend (who's hotter, by the way), but you can also break the news to your wife and make her realize how it's her fault that you've cheated. "I'm sorry, Jenny, but Kelly actually knowshow to cook. I didn't want to cheat, but maybe if you knew how to make me happy, I wouldn't have to." She'll realize how wrong she is and will immediately take cooking classes, and maybe possibly invite Kelly into the bedroom with the two of you. Far more effective than if you beat her. Plus, she'll keep all of her teeth.

We must remember that women, however annoying they may be, are not children. You can beat a child to make him stop acting like such a dip-shit, but you can't beat a woman into doing so. If she's your wife, she'll leave you and save pictures of her black eye for court, so she has a better case when she takes all of your money. It's not worth it, and on top of that, your friends will make fun of you because a chick with one tooth left you and took your house. The best way for men to take complete control of women is to tell them that their job is in the kitchen, should put out before and after every meal, and they are only to speak when spoken to. They are stupid, so they'll believe this. If you lay one finger on them, though, all her friends and her mother will get their noses in on your business and tell your girl what she should do. Women, when they're alone, cannot think for themselves, but once they get into a group, they're a bitch factory which spouts insanity.
What happens if men were to start beating their wives regularly? We'd get a shit load of ugly chicks. This is unacceptable! I believe that the United States will start to resemble Great Britain or Kentucky with the lack of teeth. Are you really going to want to stick it to a chick if her ex knocked out half of her teeth and gave her a lazy eye? Fuck no, that's gross. When you see these girls on Tyra Banks or Doctor Phil who have overcome domestic abuse, not only do they look like they've been in the ring with Mike Tyson, but they also look like a girl you're never going to see in the bed with me...or anyone...ever...well, except rednecks.

I'll even go out on a limb here and compare chicks to hamburgers. You have a hamburger, it's beautiful and delicious. After you throw your hamburger down the stairs, punch it in the bun a few hundred times, pull some of its sesame seeds off, call it a fat whore, and slap it around, will it still look appetizing after all that?

I'll be honest here - domestic abuse is pretty funny. But we have to realize that just because it's hilarious, doesn't mean that it's the best thing for us. If I see a chick getting tossed down the stairs or beaten with a hammer, I will laugh and it will be a hearty laugh. After I've tired myself out from all of this laughing, I'll start to realize the consequences. This woman that has been getting beaten, she may have been a perfect ten before, is now nothing but a mere two at best. Three teeth, two black eyes, a swollen lip, refined to a wheel chair; yes, it would be a hilarious sight, but once the reality sets in that she used to be a girl that guys would kill to bang, it's heart breaking. It is too high of a price to pay for a good laugh.

Cocoa's Retort:
The abuse wouldn't get out of control. In fact, after the initial novelty of being able to beat your wife wears off, I think that the actual abuse would be sparse. Like how the thought of banging a virgin is better than the actual act ends up being, it will be the thought of knowing that they can be beaten that will help keep women in line. Women do the shit they do now because they feel invincible. They feel untouchable. They can bitch to men all they want because they know we can't punch them. When they're mad, they can throw shit around the house and vandalize our belongings because they know they can get away with it. They can even assault a man, and he's not able to defend himself. Even in the workplace, a woman can get a man fired or in legal trouble for simply making a sexual joke.

With my proposed legalization of beating bitches, all that would cease. Women would stop pulling stupid shit because they knew that there would be repurcussions. And since the women would be more well-behaved, the men would be happier. And if the men are happy, then they would be less assholish to women, which would make them happier and even more well-behaved. After an adjustment cycle, barely any abuse would even be needed anymore. You ever see the videos from the 40s? The women stayed at home, played with the kids, and were always cooking up something delicious. And they were always smiling! They knew they had to, or else they'd end up with a bloody nose and a bruised asshole, like a gay guy tripping up the stairs.

When a girl cheats on her boyfriend, he always goes and beats the other guy's ass. Why is that? Wouldn't it make more sense to kick the girl's ass? After all, she was the one cheating on you; the other guy wasn't cheating on you. But since we can't hit women, we have to go for the next best thing. If your girlfriend learned that you had slept with her sister, you can bet your sweet ass she'd slap you. Repeatedly. Women want the same voting rights as men, the same wages in the workplace, and the opportunities to work the same jobs (which is retarded. Women, don't become construction workers). If they want equality, then we will give them complete equality. Your girlfriend cheats on you, you punch her in the ear. Now try to walk up the stairs to the other guy's apartment without wobbling, bitch.

Fisty's Retort:
Legalizing domestic abuse has one fatal flaw: women are fucking nuts! If she pisses you off, you'll punch her in the mouth; however, if you piss her off, she'll fuck up your car and might take a hammer to your junk in your sleep. We're just thinking about the guy point of view here. "Ah, yes, my wife cooks me dinner and if she doesn't I'll slap her up side the head." Uhh...no. More like you slap her upside the head and she'll be feeding you your dick for your next meal. How many guys out there have done something to a girl and have had her completely freak the fuck out over it? Girls overreact over every single fucking thing! Remember that time that you accidentally put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge? Remember how badly she freaked out?

Well, imagine how she'll freak out if you punch her in the mouth? She'll be completely bat-shit crazy and it will be 100% legal for her to throw in some abuse of her own. Girls never forget shit either. If you piss her off, she won't get over it like a sane person would. It will just grow and fester inside of her until she does something about it. I'm not talking about a boxing match here. You better sleep at a friend's house every night and hide all of your power tools.

Legalizing domestic abuse may help the economy for a little bit, but what is it going to do for humanity? Think about it. The rich may beat their wives heavily. Celebrities may toss their women down stairs and beat them with a hammer, but when all is said and done, who's going to be sticking it to these women? Who's going to want a woman like that? Who's fucked up enough to stick it to a chick with a broken jaw, pouty face, lazy eye, and a total of three teeth? Rednecks. Assuming that these women can still have babies, the only people who'll be reproducing will be the rednecks. They will be the scavengers in this new world, picking up the women that the rich and non-losers no longer want. They're rich and can get any woman they want, so why bang a chick who looks like a black and blue version of the Michelin Man? No one will want these women. They're disgusting!

A good point is with Rihanna; she was a smoking hot chick. I would have loved to devastate that vagina like a 20-pound baby. Apparently, Rihanna didn't know how to properly prepare oatmeal or something, because Chris Brown beat the shit out of her. I'm sure that everyone has caught a glimpse of what she looked like after he laid the smack down on her ass...dis-fucking-gusting! I wouldn't let my penis go within a 100-mile radius of her after that. She resembled what it would look like if a zombie who was allergic to bees and got stung in the face a couple thousand times. Not very sexy at all. No sir.

If domestic abuse gets legalized, much like the movie Idiocracy, rednecks will run the world of the future. This is a disturbing thought which nearly brings me to tears just thinking about. So ask yourself: can we let that happen to our species? No, we cannot.

Fun Reading:

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Anal Sex

Introduction:
Anal sex has been a staple of pornos and gay bars for years and years. Every guy wants to give it, but few girls want to receive it. In many states, sodomy - even straight sodomy - is illegal. Is anal sex awesome enough to bother breaking the law - and your girlfriend's will? Fisty and Cocoa battle the shit out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Doing a chick in the ass may be the holy grail of sex, but is it really worth it? No. In all my years of boning, I've barely managed to convince any chick into letting me stick it in her ass. My anal sex to sex ratio seems dangerously off. I try, I try, I try, but no girls will ever let me stretch their rectums, and many men share my problem. I'd like to believe that my penis is too big. I could bang a girl all over the place in every position in the time it takes for me to unsuccessfully talk her into butt sex. It's something that is nice to do, but why even bother? It's like driving thirty miles to get an extra two cents off gas. Yeah, there might be some benefit, but it's more trouble than it's worth.

This is how it usually goes when I bring up the topic of anal, "NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I will never do that again! I've done it once with some other guy, and never again!" Fuck you, bitch! I will break your legs! Why can't I ever be that guy who's made her hate anal? Why does every single girl seem to have done it only once before and hated it? I could liquor up the girl, work all my sexy moves and nothing works. It's not because I'm bad with women, quite the opposite. I could persuade a girl to orally please road kill, but when it comes to my penis in her ass, it's a big no-no. That bitch.

Some whores don't even do anal. Jenna Jameson, for instance, one of the biggest sluts out there, refuses to take it in the ass! If a girl who's had sex with thousands of dudes, while millions more masturbate to it, doesn't do anal, that has to tell you something. She's either stupid, or she has a huge problem with anal like most chicks. She's willing to be gang banged by total strangers, but once a penis goes near her ass, she's got a problem with that.

Anal sex is just too much damn work for it to be worth it. And really, it's not that great. I give it about a 5 out of 10. I compare the fight for anal sex to the movie Transformers. That movie should have kicked ass. I waited for it for a long ass time. I heard about it how awesome it was. I was expecting an action-packed movie with giant robots and Megan Fox, and what do I get? A shitty Michael Bay movie with Shia LaDouche. Much like anal sex - a lot of expectation for a big let down. Anal sex is the sexual equivalent of a Michael Bay movie: it looks like it could be cool, but it's just shitty.

Give me vaginal sex any day. It rocks and it's easy to get. Can you get let down with it? Sure, but do you get shit on your dick? Hell no! You just have to persuade a girl to have sex with you (Sometimes you don't even have to do that. Thank you vodka!), and you won't have to go the extra mile for something that feels relatively the same, only in a different hole.

Glen Cocoa's Take:

Anal is definitely a wonderful thing. It's not that it necessarily feels better than vaginal sex - it's the thought of it that makes it appealing. The taboo-esque nature of it. Anal is like the man's version of emotional sex. Women feel like sex is better when they have an emotional connection to their partners. To women, sex is instinctively about feeling protected and cared for. When she feels like her man cares about her, her body lets her get into sex more. For men, sex is about domination. Male lions don't snuggle with their women after boning them. A lion will fuck a lioness, then move on to the next broad. So for us, when we fuck a chick in the ass, we own that girl. Anyone can come along and bone a girl. But it takes some real manliness or cunning or charisma (or brute force, if you're raping her) to get a girl to take anal.

If a girl will let you shove what you pee with into what she poops with, you are in charge of that broad. I was with a girl a while back, and the first time she was on the rag, I did her in the ass instead. She was a feisty little one, always bitching and complaining. But when I shoved it in her ass, all that ceased. I never took anatomy in high school, so I don't know what I was hitting, but I was about 5 or 6 inches in, and poking something. I don't know whether that's healthy or not, but rest assured, there's no complaining about your friends or asking you where she should get her brakes changed when you're literally pounding her internal organs with your penis. Maybe she got some shit streaks across her pancreas, who knows. All I know is that it was complete harmony. I've been boning girls who talk all the time during sex - and about nothing important or relevant. One girl even told me, while I was banging her, about how she did...actually, you...the day before, like it was normal conversation. Never does that happen during anal. The only sounds coming out of a girl's mouth during anal are usually muffled screams, followed by me yelling "Shout at the pillow, not at me!"

As an added bonus, as if the feeling of domination and the assured solitude weren't enough, anal is like cheating without actually cheating. Because doing a girl in the ass feels so much different than vaginal sex, you can feel like you're cheating without having to go through all the work of finding a girl, lying to her about your old age, non-existent job, girlfriend, and plethora of STDs. And, since you're technically banging your girlfriend, you can't get caught. Perfect!

Top that one, bitch. You've got Michael Bay and failure in your argument, whereas mine consists of owning women, shutting them up, cheating without the repurcussions, and complete ass kickery. You just got served.

Fisty's Retort:
You can dominate girls without getting a headache and the possibility of getting a nice turd or piece of corn on your dick. Girls can be dominated with simple doggy-style sex. You can smack her ass, pull her hair, punch her in the back of the head, yell at her and tell her about how her daddy never loved her. Not only that, but the time you would've spent talking her into anal could be used to talk her into kinkier kinds of sex or even a threeway. It's far more fun and less trouble. Why put yourself through extra work for little reward? Girls like sex that hurts, but they also like sex that feels good at the same time. You can completely devastate her vagina and she'll love every minute of it, but from what I've gathered from chicks, anal sex doesn't feel good whatsoever (unless they're whores who'll let guys stick it in any hole at anytime).

If a girl is on her period, doing her in the ass is a little too close to her bleeding vagina. So not only would you get shit all over your dick, but you're going to get blood all over your balls too. When a girl is on her period, I'm going to stick my dick everywhere above her belly button. You can have a shitload of fun without having to go south of the border. You can have her give you a hand job, then fuck her face and finish off with a swift-ass pearl necklace. And the best thing is, there's no clean up afterward (not for you anyways; she, however, has spooge all over her neck and face).

Cocoa's Retort:
Girls actually usually like anal sex, once they've had it a few times. It's just like regular sex. The first time or two will cause some ripping and new kinds of stretching, but once they're used to it, they like it. The odds of getting something on your dick are pretty slim. It's not like there's a stockpile of shit right inside the asshole. There are two serparate sphincters that connect, in a way, when you shit. You've fingered your ass in the shower now and then when you had that really sticky shit that just wouldn't wipe away, or when you're trying to cure the 'roids. Did your finger come out all shitty? No. The only little bit of shit that could have been on your finger would have been the residue left over from your last shit. You can get weird stuff from the vagina too. You can have some leftover blood from her period on your dick. You can have that white stuff that girls get from birth control (or vaginitis, depending on who you're banging).

I'm not saying that anal is an everyday sport, but it is definitely worth getting a girl to do from time to time. Especially when she's on the rag. She'll be having pretty bad cramps anyways, and when you nail her in the ass so hard she feels like her stomach is getting pushed out through her belly button, her menstrual cramps don't seem so bad anymore, do they?

Sure, some can argue that you can just get your girl to give you head when she's ragging, but most girls aren't very good at head. And with anal, a girl can't really be bad at it. You have no expectations for a girl to do anything during anal. With vaginal, you expect the girl to be on top, to move around, to take the cock like a champ. But with anal, even with an experienced anal taker, you still just only expect the girl to take it without screaming too loudly or trying to kick you away. And if you do it right, you can bang her without having to see or feel the string.

Fun Reading:

How to correctly have anal sex

Anal sex toys

Anal sex statistics

An attempt at anal gone wrong

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hunting

Introduction:
Hunting is defined as "the practice of pursuing living animals for food, recreation, or trade." In reality, hunting is defined as "gay." Hunting has been around for millions of years, and, believe it or not, used to be incredibly bad ass for millions of years. Dinosaurs would hunt each other and kill each other with their bare teeth. Cavemen would slap the piss out of sabertooth tigers, then use the teeth from the dead tigers to kill even more sabertooth tigers. How manly is that? Sometime between the last ice age and now, hunting has gotten pretty lame and pussy-like. What the hell has happened? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Hunting is gay as hell. Don't worry, I'm not one of those animal rights homos who think cruelty to animals is wrong. I actually think that cruelty to animals kicks ass and that more animals should die. Any dude who's into animals rights should have his testicles removed, then donated to science to determine how someone with nuts could be such a wimp. I hate animals just as much as the next person, but hunting has lost its way and has made the sexy act of killing animals seem incredibly gay-tastic. Anything lower than me pisses me off. If it's not me, having sex with me, or doing shots with me...or a puppy, it deserves to die. This is an awesome truth. When killing animals, people should be having a hell of a lot of fun.

Hunting doesn't even seem like it's made for people who like to kill animals anymore, because if you're not stapling your neighbor's dog to a tree, then you don't enjoy killing animals...and I'm a man who likes to kill animals. The way that people hunt is just lame as hell. Stuck in a treehouse with a bunch of dudes sniping animals? Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I would much rather take a sledge hammer to a petting zoo and have myself a grand ol' time. It's incredible how hunters can make killing animals seem like a chore rather than the gleefully fun event it should be.

What kind of a lesson is hunting teaching people? I always hear hunters brag about how they're going to get up at five in the morning then wait in the woods for ten hours just to shoot at a deer which will probably get away. What kind of a activity requires people to sit and wait for something to happen? That's not a way to go through life! If I sat and waited for my neighbor's kid to get beaten or the retarded girl down the road to get raped, I would be a very bored man. I go out and make things happen.

Here's how hunting should be played out: instead of sitting in a tree and being a loser, you corral all the annoying animals into one large, fenced-in area. You'll have deer, bears, mountain lions...retarded kids - all together. You go in and have to fight your way through this area, armed with nothing but what you can find in your own garage (hammers, bats, staple guns, crow bars, tire irons, your kid's bike, your car, a fake Christmas tree, so on and so forth...). You go in there and (forgive me for sounding like a British homo) have yourself a bloody good time mutilating every animal in sight.

Sadly, there's no hands-on approach to hunting anymore and I really have no respect for anyone who kills anything with a gun either. Killing with a gun is so impersonal and wimpy. You stay at a nice and safe distance away so you won't get hurt by those scary deer. Really, do you have to be that far away from the deer? Deer are some of the most skittish animals known to man. Have you ever been charged at by a deer? Hunting makes wimps out of men; if you were any kind of a man, you could take down cute animals with either your bare hands or a large blunt object.

Despite all this, I believe that many hunters have the power in them to do what needs to be done to be less of ass hats, if only their favorite activity required them to do more than the bare minimum. If hunting were the way it should be, only the manliest of men would risk it all to go out and hunt. Hunting should really separate the men from the boys, and should no longer be a family event. Unfortunately, dads take their wives and children out with hopes that they might kill some deer. It's become the equivalent of a family picnic. When I was a kid, my school didn't even have class on the first day of deer season because nobody would show up anyway. How can a sport be manly and respectable if a 12-year-old can do it effectively? Women and children should not be involved in anything, unless we're talking about cleaning and/or abuse.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I agree that hunting is gay and it would be a much more enjoyable sport if hunters were to actually beat down animals rather than being huddled up in a tiny hut. A lot of my beef is with the people who perform the hunting. It's like clubbing - it sounds like a good idea in theory: a bunch of slutty girls getting drunk and flopping their boobs around to music that's so loud you can't possibly hear what the girls are saying. Unfortunately, there are lots of skeezy guys, annoying whores, and people who request Kanye in attendance at these places, thereby making the experience unenjoyable. Hunting, by and large, is done by rednecks, hicks, and other losers who predominantly live in the woods. The thought of killing an animal and eating it is a great thought, but it loses a lot of its appeal when you know you have to be hanging out with some toothless fuck who bitches about the "goddamn gooks" taking our jobs away with Kias. Look, fuck face, buying your neighbor's '78 Ford pickup for 500 bucks doesn't create any American jobs either. And your wife's PT Cruiser was made in Mexico.

These days, hunters justify hunting as "thinning out the numbers of the animals", yet I still nearly hit a million deer with my car every winter. It's not that fucking hard to kill a deer. You're not some type of superiorly manly man because you can shoot one of those creatures.

A lot of hunters can't even fucking hunt. Take a look at bird shot, for instance. Bird shot? It's that type of bullet that's really fifty little BBs wedged into one casing so that instead of actually having to be a good shot, a hunter can just shoot in the general direction of a bird and take it down. This is the type of man who calls himself manly? First of all, he's not even a good shot if his accuracy is so bad he needs to shoot fifty BBs at once just to possibly hit his target. Secondly, he's spending his time killing a fucking bird. How much meat can you possibly get from a bird? If it can be killed by a BB, it's either too small and too stupid for me to want to consume it.

I don't feel manly after eating some stupid five-pound bird with retarded looking legs who spends his whole day eating dirty worms. I've never eaten a woolly mammoth, but I bet if I did, my pubes would grow about three inches every meal. That's a manly creature, and eating it would surely make you manlier. Instead, hunters shoot worthless, helpless animals like birds and rabbits. Good job, pussy, you can hide in a tree (and in case of rabbits, use a dog) to stealthily shoot an animal that's roughly 3% of your size. And I'm gay for not hunting?

Hunters were in their prime back in the stone ages. Cavemen were the epitome of manliness and pretty much wiped out the entire mammoth population by themselves. An average caveman probably weighed about 180 pounds, while a mammoth weighed roughly 6 tons. So think about that; someone relatively small taking down something huge with nothing but a stick. These stone age hunters didn't complain one bit. They would kill these giant animals, skin them while they were still warm, drag them back home to their women (and they had many women), and eat a hearty meal. Cavemen would even use the skin to wear around, often while killing other mammoths. Now that's manly. It's almost as awesome and manly as making your girlfriend wear your secretary's panties.

Nowadays, to make themselves believe they're manly, hunters will mount the heads of their kills on their dining room walls. Let me tell you something - if I had a daily reminder of a cold-ass January morning when I covered myself in deer piss that I paid money for, sat in a hut with my buddy while we were wearing matching outfits, and shot at an unsuspecting animal who was trying to provide for his family, I'd be pretty damn embarrassed.

Fuck, a few years back, my cat wandered into the swamp across the road, caught a mink that was twice his size, dragged it across the road, up the driveway and into my basement, tortured it for about a half hour, and then killed it. He didn't eat the mink; he just did this for fun. All this, and he's a house cat. He gets fed cat food twice a day and spends his days licking salt off of my fingers and licking at the empty sack where his balls used to be. And yet, he's still manlier than hunters.

Fun Reading:
Douche bags
How pussified hunting brings families together
How to take kids hunting...not how to hunt kids, unfortunately



Friday, November 6, 2009

Abortions

Introduction:
Abortions have been committed since antiquity. The ancient Greeks even sometimes used poisonous herbs to perform them. In modern-day America, abortion is mostly legal. It's surrounded by controversy, but in most states in America, it's legal in some form. Women are determined little critters, and even if a woman lives in a county with no abortion doctor, she will travel to a town that has one. Today, there are two main methods used to perform them: the vacuum and the pill (sounds like a good name for a Disney movie). When you knock your girlfriend up and force her at knifepoint to have an abortion, which method should you choose? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Thankfully, I've never had a reason (to my knowledge) to force a girl into getting an abortion. I usually use condoms and completely lose contact with the girl after I sleep with her, never to see her again. So if I knocked any one of them up, I'd have no idea because they'd be trying to hit up some successfully rich Wall Street investor (which I usually tell women I am so they'll sleep with me) for child support. However, if I fuck up and I end up getting a girl pregnant AND she knows who I am, some good has to come out of it, and what could be better than an abortion? An abortion with a vacuum cleaner, of course!

I could see the convenience of popping a pill and getting an abortion, but c'mon! It's a fucking abortion! Have some damn fun with it. Popping a pill for an abortion is like skipping to the end of a movie, or breaking up with a girl before you've had a chance to cheat on her. How many times are you going to knock up a girl and have her get an abortion? Not many times. I'm sure that most men can count how many abortions they've been responsible for on one hand (or one broken condom). So when you have a girl who'll be getting an abortion, make it count! She's pregnant, she pops a pill - POOF! Baby's gone. What fun was that? I don't know how the procedure works, but I'm pretty sure it's something like this: she's pregnant, she gets a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up in her cooter and the doctor sucks the baby out in chunks. Try to think about that without cracking a smile. It's impossible! It's just too hilarious!

I like to imagine that it would look something like the plastic surgery shows, where the fat chick gets the fat sucked out of her ass with that pointy hose, from there it goes through the clear tube into a big bucket thing. Now just imagine if all that fat were a baby. Pretty awesome, eh? Delicious. The outcome would be the exact same as well. It always shows like three weeks later, the formerly fat chick is all happy and dancing and shit. It would be the exact same thing for a woman getting an abortion. She gets that thing sucked out of her snatch and then short afterward, she'll be happy and dancing and shit. But you would have to put a stop to that immediately. Chicks being happy and dancing is incredibly annoying. Put her in her place and have her make you a sandwich.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Although it's great that we can both agree that abortions kick complete ass, I have to contend that the pill is definitely the way to go. Essentially, what the pill does is it induces a miscarriage, a process that takes a couple days (in all actuality, the pill is a combination of pills, like a baby-killing cocktail). Everyone knows that it's completely a girl's fault if she gets pregnant. Sure, the guy could have worn a condom, but the girl could have made him wear a condom. See? It's always her fault. And ladies, when a guy spooges inside you, a minute after you stand up, it all drips out anyways. So if your body absorbs it enough in that amount of time that you can still get pregnant, then that's a fault of yours. So, since the pill causes horrible cramps for a couple days while it's working, let that be a lesson learned for the girl. When you try to wrestle a bear, and it mauls your ass, you don't fuck with bears anymore. When a girl gets pregnant and has to suffer with horrible pains because of it, maybe she'll stop getting pregnant. When she just gets it vacuumed out, it's just a few minutes of pain, and she probably won't learn her lesson.

And even if you're in love with your girlfriend (funny, I know) and feel horrible that you got her pregnant, there's a plus side for you too. Hopefully this travesty only happens once. And in order to make peace with something, you have to have fun with it. In the same way that Dane Cook can tell jokes about his parents' deaths, so too must you be able to find some joy in your situation. Because the pill takes a couple days to do its marvelous deed, your girlfriend can do all kinds of things while she's having an abortion, like going to a theme park. Once your girlfriend's pain, shame, embarrassment, murderous and whorish feelings, and overall thinking that she's a horrible person subside, she'll be able to reflect back on the situation and say things like "I had an abortion while riding a roller coaster." When a girl's in a stirrup in a doctor's office on a street lined with protesters with a narrow hose stuck up her snatch, she doesn't have the pleasure of being able to say that, does she?

And it's the same with you. You can pitch the story in all different ways when sharing stories with your buddies. "When my girlfriend was having an abortion, I was drunk in Vegas, playing roulette." You don't have to tell them that she was right next to you the whole time, although in horrible pain as her body passed mangled bits of baby through her vagina into a maxi pad that she had to change every couple hours because of the excessive bleeding. Go on a road trip as soon as your girlfriend takes the pill. Then when you break up and you're going through the 'my ex is a whore' phase, you can tell everyone how many states she had an abortion in.

Fisty's Retort:
While I do agree with you that it's completely the girl's fault for getting pregnant, the pill is just not the way to go. I don't trust pills at all. Your girl can pop a pill and the baby may die, but what if it doesn't? You'll be out $300 and on top of that, be paying child support for a retarded baby. Doesn't that suck? Just think about it, let it sink in: Not only will you have a kid, but it will be retarded and possibly will be missing a leg or an arm or have a washboard for a forehead! Yeah, and it won't be the funny kind of retard either. This is the kind you have to pay child support for. Any kid who gets part of your paycheck better be a genius who discovers how to make a date-rape drug from common household foods.

It's best to stick with the good old vacuum cleaner abortion. It's fail-proof. Pretty much, you don't take that suction out until you have the entire baby in a baggie. That way, you know for sure it's out. With the pill, you're playing a waiting game. The girl takes the pill, and you have to wait a few days for her to stop bleeding, then she has to go back to the doctor and get tested again. Sounds like a shitty few days to me. And the more days that she's bleeding from the pill-induced abortion, the less time you're having sex with her. With the vacuum, you can bang her in the car on the way home. Even if she protests, you can use the age-old "Well, a strange doctor was just shoving shit inside your vagina. Why can't I?" line. Works like a charm. And once she knows she's had some weird vacuum contraption inside her snizz, her mindset will change, and she'll let you shove all kinds of weird shit up inside there too.

Cocoa's Retort:
Guys often look forward to girls being on the rag, because then they can get blow jobs without the girl asking for a return favor. With most girls, any type of sexual activity while they're bleeding is off limits. However, their hormones are a-flowin' during this time, and some girls get ravenously horny and demand to get banged, no matter how bloody it may be. This can be quite troublesome for some guys - bloody sheets if it's done in a bed, bloody streaks to clean off the shower wall, etc. But when a girl's bleeding from a pill-induced miscarriage, the last thing she's going to want is for you to shove all that bloody goo that could have been your child back up into her. She wants that shit out of there. With a vacuum abortion, a girl will most likely want to get home and get humped immediately so she feels pretty again. After just shelling out a week's worth of money on an abortion, a guy deserves a few days of not being demanded to shove his penis inside a murderous whore.

Every once in a while, along comes a girl who refuses to get an abortion. And no matter how much you threaten her or attempt to trip her on the stairs, she stands strong and still refuses. If you rely on the vacuum abortion, you'd have to kidnap her and drag her into an abortion clinic, and once you're there, the doctors will most likely refuse to perform an abortion on an unwilling woman. With the beautious pill, however, you can slip on in her drink without her even knowing. It's like date rape, but date abortion. If she's sneaky and notices the pills in her drink, you can always wrap them up in a piece of bread and feed them to her, like dog medicine.

Fun Reading:
How to perform a sheep abortion
Depiction of abortion at Angkor Wat
Massage Abortion

Monday, October 19, 2009

Strip Clubs

Introduction:
Strip clubs have been around for ages. Back in the seventeenth century, the colonial Americans, after a long day of religious persecution and ravaging tribal lands, would head on over to the local strip club where a lady would show some ankle. In these modern times, strippers now get fully nude, but often make over a thousand dollars on a good night. Is this a good thing though? Are strip clubs magical places or are they for losers? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out! You decide who wins!

Glen Cocoa's Take:
First of all, I'm a cheap ass. So right off the bat, strip clubs are my foe. Fifteen bucks for admission, several dollars for a drink, twenty bucks for a lap dance, and your friends give you shit if you don't toss crumpled up dollar bills onto the stage. That shit starts to add up pretty quickly. And for what? I could get a round trip flight to Maui for what a good night out at a strip club would cost.

Let's look at what happens at a strip club. As you walk in the doors, an ex-Marine whose ex fucked eight dudes at Legoland while he was defending the country in Iraq takes your money for an entry fee. At this point, you're now down somewhere around fifteen bucks, and all you've seen is a pathetic fuck who got married to some skank straight out of high school because he wanted to be guaranteed some ass the day he got back from his deployment. Money well spent? I think not.

Next, you sit down at your table that's next to a group of greasy Mexican dudes who would gladly spend all their money to be able to feel up on a girl who is white, over 4'9”, and has had less than seven kids. Some good music plays every now and then, but most girls who are that slutty like hip hop, and after a half an hour, you'll be so sick of Kanye and DMX that you'll be begging for some Godsmack.

Now comes the good part. Some broad comes on over to your table and sits down, talking to you like you're the hottest guy in the room, even though she's just been rejected by nine other dudes. It scares you because you see a bit of yourself in her, going from table to table, getting turned down over and over again. After some bullshit about how she's 17, from Russia, and using a fake id to be a stripper, even though she's obviously at least 30, been banged by almost every rugby team in the world, and has had her vagina devastated by countless bikers, you relent and get a lap dance from her.

So what did you spend your money on? You paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything. You can't touch her, you can't touch yourself, so now you have to go back to your friends with a case of blue balls and some precum drying to your leg. Great job, moron.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Strip clubs - what could be better? Nothing, that's what. Where else can you see all the girls who turned you down for prom in high school get naked? It's a wonderful thing. You don't have to take these girls out to dinner, pretend you are interested in them, meet their parents, or tell them that you aren't using them for sex. They get naked and all you have to do is throw a few dollars at their crusty thongs. Strip clubs for women are like factories for men. They're the place for the uneducated and unloved to get good-paying jobs. These women have failed at everything in life from finding love from their unwed parents to finding love from their illegitimate children. And as a bonus, chances are these girls' decent stripping wages are supplemented by their child-support checks, which they usually spend on tattoos and drugs.

Strip clubs don't always have to be about the girls. Want to have a good time? Go out with all your dude friends, have some drinks and check out some boobies. Mind you, I said dude friends. If you have any friends who are girls then shame on you. You should know better. If you go out with girl friends, they won't stop asking you whether you think you think the strippers are cuter than they are. As a guy, you must remember that you are awesome and these girls are here to entertain you. You pay to be entertained, right? Whether it be a movie, concert, the circus, or some chick who's given up on life shoving her tits in your face, it's a fucking fun and entertaining time. The least you can do is stick a dollar between her buttcheeks.

Where else can you give a girl a dollar and have her stick your head between her love melons? Try doing that at a Wal-Mart...go ahead, I dare you. Strip clubs are strange places, where common logic, self-respect and social standards are non-existent. One of the best things about strippers is that they are devoid of most things that normal people find taboo (by "normal people", I mean people with shame). Why is this a good thing? For many reasons, my good man. Many reasons indeed. You want to take a crap on her chest, slap her in the face, toss her down a flight of stairs, knock her up, force her to get an abortion and then have her buy you lunch? Any girl with an IQ in the positive numbers range would be utterly offended and disgusted by this, but strippers are of a different breed.

What's better than a stupid, gullible chick who likes to get naked? A building which houses a shit-load of stupid, gullible chicks who like to get naked. Strip clubs kick ass.

Cocoa's Retort:
A night out at a strip club can easily cost you fifty bucks, minimum, and it's not hard to drop a couple hundred bucks in just a few hours. For that kind of money, you can take a somewhat decent, halfway respectable girl out on a nice date and buy her food so nice she can't possibly say no to giving you a nice twisty afterward. And when you see her boobs, it's not just for the length of a song, and you can actually feel her up. If you're alone with a girl and you're seeing her boobs, you've obviously going to get more. No blue balls, no loud shitty music, no skeezy guys sitting right next to you, and no giant black guy peeping over the top of the curtain every minute to make sure you're not strangling the girl and stealing her money.

Sure, you may wonder who cares about wasting his time on a nice respectable girl when you could instead be drinking beer and seeing lots of boobs. If I'm going to bother seeing a girl naked, much less going out and spending money to do so, I'm at least going to see someone who turns me on. There's just something about a girl who will show off her twat to a stranger for a dollar that doesn't quite turn me on. And, worst of all, a stripper owns you. You may think that you're in control, but you're not. You give your money to her. She beckons you to come closer or to back away. She grabs your head, buries it in her tits, and pushes you away at her own leisure. Do you really want to have a girl take your money and call the shots? Sounds a bit too much like marriage to me.

Fisty's Retort:
Blue balls? Speaking as a man who has boned a fair share of strippers (well...at least two), I can say that they can give you a lot of things, but never blue balls. Even if you're ugly and poor, if you tell a stripper that you don't think she's a whore (even though she is) and that she's a deep and respectable person, then you'll have your penis in her faster than you can say "high school drop out". These girls are sad, loveless women who most people despise. If you show them some sort of interest, they'll be letting you stick various objects in their buttholes in no time! Strippers are probably the easiest targets in the world. What kind of person would get naked for middle-aged, greasy virgins? The kind of girl who'll fuck any guy anywhere. That's who! Blue balls? Pfft...homo.

And "you paid for a whore to rub her tits in your face for a few minutes, while you weren't allowed to do anything"? I don't know about you, but having any girl rub her tits in my face is like Jesus giving me a hand job, even if it's a fat chick! I love tits, and to have some chick rub her jubblies in my face will be simply amazing. Granted, if you don't get laid, you will be doing some hardcore punishment to your penis in the restroom, but you'd be doing that anyway, just admit it. You might as well as had some tits in your face prior - the best dollar you've ever spent.

Fun Reading:
Hilarious strip club signs
The perils of strip clubs
Midget strippers
Teenagers can legally strip in Rhode Island

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Rim Jobs

Introduction:
Technically called 'analingus', also known as 'tossing a salad', a rim job is the eating out of another's ass (or, if one is really flexible, one's own ass). This includes licking, kissing, and tongue-fucking someone's asshole. Is this act manly and awesome, or disgusting and shameful? Fisty and Cocoa battle it out.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Other than golden showers and Cleveland Steamers, this is pretty much one of the only sex acts that completely grosses me out. If a girl gets her tongue near my asshole, I'm going to punch her in the face. There is no negotiating here. This is just a purely sick and disgusting act. If I let the girl actually lick my ass, I'll feel so bad for her that I can't enjoy it. Don't worry, the last thing I could do is feel sympathy for some slutty girl i picked up at the bar, I just know what comes out of my asshole and I wouldn't wish the contents of my ass on my worst enemy's tongue. Or possibly, it's just that I have a heart and don't want people's mouths near my ass, especially after I've been chowing down some Taco Bell. The only reason that I would ever let a girl stick her tongue down there is if she pissed me off something awful, but if it were that bad, I'd probably just toss her down a flight of stairs. Then I would shit in her unconscious mouth, that would serve her right.

When a girl sticks her mouth below my belt line, my penis is the only thing she is allowed to touch. If she breaks this rule, I break her legs - this is a fact. I don't even like my balls to be played with. That shit tickles! If I get tickled during sex, then that completely ruins the mood for me and I'll be pissed off for at least a week afterward. If my balls are off-limits, then what does that say about my anus? Exactly! I don't care about whether it feels good or not, it's just too taboo for me to go through with it. I'm pretty sure a blow job feels just as good from a whore with big tits as well as from the homo who works the cash register at Starbucks. The whole thing is with the taboo of it all. It's just too fucking weird for me to enjoy it. For instance, puppies may taste amazing. Would you eat your puppy? Rim jobs may feel great. Would you like a tongue stuck in your rectum? Fuck that!

Even if a rim job does feel pretty snazzy...why? Why would you even want that? If a girl has her face down there and she isn't sucking your dick, that's considered teasing, and she should be beaten accordingly. This is another fact - actually, it's a law of nature, very much like gravity. Rim jobs are wasting valuable blow job time. Blow jobs feel, pun intended, orgasmic! Having a rim job instead of a blow job is pretty much the equivalent of opting for a dog turd instead of a Thanksgiving feast. If a man says, "No babe, I don't want a blow job yet. I want you to lick my butthole," this guy should be shot in the face. This is not a joke.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Rim jobs feel great. The ass is sensitive just like the rest of your body, so why make it off-limits? Surely gross things come out of it, but piss and spooge come out of your penis, don't they? If you're going to let her stick that in her mouth if she's willing, why not let her go for the ass too? It's not like the ass itself is covered in shit. Yeah, you may have a bad wipe every now and then, but that's why you jump in the shower before she comes over. Simple. When you piss in a urinal, there's plenty of sprinkling that flies back onto your penis from the force of your piss hitting the urinal. And when you're going to get a beej, unless you're mad at your girlfriend (or cousin, bus driver, or other giver of blow jobs), you'll hop up to the sink and give it a quick scrub, won't you?

Everyone has that friend who refuses to get a blow job because he thinks it's degrading or some other bullshit like that. You think to yourself "Who cares? It feels great. If the broad's willing to do it, then let her do it." Rim jobs are the same way. Once you've gotten one, you won't understand why anyone wouldn't want one. And let's be honest, lots of girls suck at giving head. More often than not, I find that a girl's head-giving skills are subpar. I'd say that at best, 25% of the girls I've been with have been decent at mouth-hugging. Maybe my penis is too big, maybe her exes didn't train her well enough or hit her with a rolled-up newspaper when she did a poor job. Whatever the case, we can all agree that, as a whole, the blowing skills of women need to improve. Instead of dealing with a penis sore from teeth tracks, have her give you a rim job instead. It's a lot harder to fuck up than a beej. Literally, all she has to do is lick your asshole. That's all. That's the only thing she has to do, and it feels awesome. There's no worrying about teeth, no worrying about how far in it can go, and (unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell that day), no worrying about whether or not she swallows.

Even giving rim jobs is awesome. You may think it's gross to lick an asshole, but you already lick her clit, so you're damn close to her piss hole, and often times she'll have little wet bits of toilet paper stuck in there. Plus, she has to shave her snatch on a regular basis or else it gets gamey, and most girls have very little hair around their assholes. That is, unless you're dating an Indian chick, but if that's your cup of tea, then you pay the consequences. So you have to worry less about her shaving, and as an added bonus - her ass doesn't have a period! Just make sure that when she is having her period, she tucks the string up inside her snizz like a stripper, and you're good to go.

And on top of all that, when a girl gives you a rim job, you own her. Like with giving money shots, banging a girl in the ass, and molesting children, part of the appeal is obviously the pleasure, but a lot of the appeal is the taboo factor. If every girl wanted a money shot, then it wouldn't be nearly as fun to give her one. But since the majority of girls have to be talked into it, or just have it done to them (remember, it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission), it's considered taboo to do it, which is what makes it so awesome. Come on, which is more awesome to watch: the slutty girl in porns who wants to get creamed on, or the girl who closes her eyes, tries to cover her hair, and jumps every time a burst of spooge hits her?

Fisty's Retort:
You, sir, are gay. But aside from the obvious, after a girl goes down on you, she will go up and try to kiss you. This is an appalling act. I'm not even for it when a girl tries to kiss me after she's been giving me head, the last thing that I want is to make out with her after she's been tossing my salad. I know what comes out of my ass and I don't want to vicariously lick my own asshole. She may have one of my ass hairs on her tongue and I may have to throw up in her mouth.

This brings to question: why would you want to lick a girl's asshole? Rim jobs go both ways so that means if a girl licks your ass, you'll have to lick hers too. Assuming that you're not a loser, you've gone down on a girl before. With that in mind, you know that vaginas aren't the cleanest of places and are full of fucked up smells and strange discharges, among other shit. I don't trust girls to maintain and clean their asses, especially since very few girls maintain their own vaginas. Imagine that you're going down on a vagina that isn't that well maintained, only she shits out of it a couple times a day. Yeah, pretty disgusting, eh?

And another point: if you're eating a girl's ass, you're obviously at the stage where she'll let you fuck her. Why would you waste your fucking time licking her asshole? Think about this: YOU'RE LICKING AN ASSHOLE! Why are you not fucking her? And if she's licking your asshole, why are you not fucking her?! What's wrong with you? If she's willing to either lick your ass or have her ass licked, she's pretty freaky, and you could probably spend your time chaining her to a wall and assaulting her with a bucket of dildos.

It doesn't even stop there either. There's health risks involved too! If you're licking a girl's ass, there's a chance that you'll catch hepatitis and various other diseases. Granted, if you gave a girl any disease, it would be hilarious, but if you got one? That would suck. Is licking a rectum worth it?

Cocoa's Retort:
I don't give a shit if she tries to come up and kiss me. Asses taste better than vaginas do. If it is a properly maintained and cleansed ass, then there will be no taste at all. With a vagina, even a freshly fingered-in-the-shower vagina, there's at least a slight tinge of vagina smell. Not that that's a bad thing, but there's still a bit of a smell. An asshole, on the other hand, tastes like nothing at all. Granted, I'm not going to do it after a soccer game or on the morning after taco night, but if it's freshly washed, it's a very clean place. She'll love having it done to her. Not only will she get off lots of times, you can use it against her as well. Next time she refuses to swallow, take a money shot, or finger her hot sister on video, you can bring up the fact that you licked her asshole. Works like a dirty charm.

It takes a little bit of time to get used to, I'll give you that. But once you get used to having a face down there, a finger in your ass, and being bent over the couch with your ass in the air, you'll be glad you did. Orgasms feel good. And an orgasm while you're getting fingered in the ass feels even better. There's science behind it too; the prostate is inside the ass and when it's massaged, you have better, more powerful orgasms. And, best of all, when you spooge when she's giving you a rim job, it'll most likely go in her hair. It's a hell of a lot easier to do it that way than to pull out at just the right time and try to leap up to her head before she bats you away. Bitchin!

Fun Reading:
Vector art of girl-on-girl rim job
A gay man's tutorial on how to rim

Monday, September 21, 2009

Chicks With Kids

Introduction:
Times certainly aren't how they used to be. The divorce rate is considerably higher since a generation ago, the marriage rate is getting lower every year, and the United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation in the world (and unfortunately, only approximately 35% of teen pregnancies end in abortion). We noted the "teen pregnancy" rate because, let's face it, if you're banging women who are old enough to drink, vote, and have their own passports, you obviously have no game and therefore this debate shouldn't apply to you. Nonetheless, these aforementioned factors result in an uncanny amount of young, unwed mothers roaming our villages. Should you bang all these young mothers? Can these mothers handle some new wood? You be the judge!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Chicks with kids are something that no one should ever want to get into. They are women with baggage in more than one way. Not only do they have that damn kid sucking whatever amount of life they have left out of them, but they always, for some reason, are completely nuts. You may think that a girl with a kid might want a one-night-stand to get away from her kid for a night, but no, she doesn't want fly-by vagina plowing; she wants a husband/father for her child. If you bang her, she is going to expect a wedding ring, bring up how you need to get to know/love her kid, accept the fact that she's a mother, meet her parents, like her family, let her move in with you, actually talk to her, yadda yadda yadda. The only thing you are interested in is your penis in her baby-hole, and that's not even that awesome.

When a baby pops out of a cooter, it devastates it. If a mother says that her vagina is just as tight as it ever was, she is a lying whore and should be beaten with a heavy blunt object, preferably the candlestick in the conservatory. You've heard about throwing a hot dog down a hallway; well, sticking your man-sausage into her meat locker will feel a lot like tossing a toothpick into the Grand Canyon. What do you expect? You have a small hole that can only stretch to about a couple inches in diameter for your wood, and then you have a shaved monkey popping through there that's a least a foot or so in diameter. It can heal, but not that much. And if she gets a C-section, then she'll have a big-ass scar on her stomach. Not something that I'd like to look at while I'm laying pipe on some broad.

If a girl breast feeds, then she'll have some gross boobs. You have a little baby sucking and squeezing all day on the boobs that you should be sucking and squeezing on. They get stretched and pulled until they're floppy and rubbery. Here's an image to think of: you go to suck on her tits during some not very satisfying sex, you bite on her nipple and it's very much like taking a bite out of an extremely cheesy pizza. You could seriously choke her with her own nipples, that's how stretchy they are. Remember Stretch Armstrong? Yeah, imagine if he had nipples.

Aside from the sex, her kid, or kids, are fucking annoying. They will always be crying, wanting their mom to pay attention to them, feed them, take them to the hospital and various things that you couldn't care less about. They will cock-block you every chance they get. You get excited about boning some girl and then her kid will be knocking at the door wanting attention or crying at the top of its lungs in its crib. Fucking kids, can't they go 20 minutes without their mom being in the room? Fuck them! If their kids are in a three mile radius and are alive, you will not be getting laid that night, my friend.

Once a girl gets pregnant, she immediately gets knocked down six hotness points. If she's a perfect ten, she's a four now! If she's a two, she's now a negative two! She will be immediately less bangable and more annoying after she's popped out a kid. She'll become a "mother" and walk around with a false sense of importance. In reality, she isn't important at all. Chances are she has no job (other than stripping) and she leaves the kid with her mom while she goes out and parties. What a great mom. Despite how small of a role that she actually plays in the kid's life, the kid will always be in the picture. This, in return, will drag her down and make her less appealing in every way imaginable.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Come on, man, we both know broads who have had kids. One 19-year-old mom was even telling me how all her friends basically ditched her once she had the kid and nobody wanted to hang out with her anymore. Even her husband doesn't want to bang her. She says that her friends just don't understand that she has to be home at a certain time, can't do certain things, etc, because she has a kid. This is often the case with moms. Most younger moms are slutty - because let's face it, that's why they ended up with the child in the first place. Because they're sluts, most men think of them solely as pieces of ass anyways and don't respect them, and once the broads have kids, they are no longer a viable piece of ass, and now these girls who are used to being able to have any guy they want can't get anyone.

This is where you come in.

We all know that chicks with low self esteem are the easiest broads out there, and when the high school football team's former finger puppet is now vaginally devastated, you need to fly in and swoop her up into a world of crazy sex. She's used to being date raped by a different jock every night and now the only man parts that have been in her vagina recently are the doctor's hands when he tried to yank that bitter little critter out of there. She's having sex withdrawals and will fuck like a banshee when she gets you into bed. Hell, she'll even let you piss on her if it means your unclothed penis is within a couple feet of her face. Sure, she may get attached way too quickly and assume you're going to be her future husband the moment she grabs your penis, but when you up and leave and never call her bloated ass again, she'll understand. Whether or not she's a good mother, she's still a mother, and she's seen men dart plenty of times before. Shit, after blasting her placenta onto the hospital floor and being beaten by her baby daddy, only to be subsequently used and abused by multiple men who never got to bang her in high school while she was actually still hot, there's probably not a whole lot you can do that would stun or hurt her.

When you're fooling around with younger or inexperienced girl, she may complain about moves hurting, bitching that you're pulling her hair, or saying you're her first love and that she wants to be with you forever. A broad with a child can handle any kind of sex move you try on her, and she has the episiotomy scars to prove it. A regular girl (since broads with kids can no longer be called "regular") might complain about being choked or slapped during sex, but after a girl has her vagina literally ripped open, a little slapping doesn't seem too painful.

And since she's a young unwed mother, she likely has several sources of income - easy money for her. Odds are high that she's a stripper. In that case, she'll have lots of money. Even better, she may just be using stripping as a good way to pick up new clients for her side business of prostitution. Even more lucrative. Even if she claims that she'll never degrade her body like that, she's at least getting child support from somebody. No matter what the situation, she will likely have an abundance of money on her at all times, and since this is money she didn't technically have to work for, she won't hold on it too tightly. Better yet, if she's bitter at her baby daddy, it should be pretty easy to talk her into spending all her child support money on you just to spite that fucker.

Fisty's Retort:
Surveys have shown that if you spend your time reading a website about circumcision and rape, you most likely have manipulated a junior high girl into giving you a twisty. Sadly, young mothers tend to have the ugliest of babies. Take a look at all the girls you went to high school with who had kids either before graduating or a year or two after. How many of them have had cute kids? Very few, if not none. How many have fat kids because they feed them too much? How many of those kids look like the result of a walrus making love to cabbage patch kid? Odds are, you won't be having any accidents until five or six years after these girls do, so when your son is graduating from college and wants to bang a high school girl to celebrate, none of the children from the young mothers will be up to his standards.

These women are shitty, too. They're so shitty that a man will actually pay half his paycheck to not be around her. What does this say about the girl when someone is willing to work over forty hours a week just for the freedom of not spending his time with her? It says a lot about how stupid, annoying and/or how much of a bitch she is. The ironic thing is that these guys leave these broads to go spend even more money to get another chick with a kid to get naked. Yet, I digress.

You won't even want to stick it to one these girls after a while because she will not shut up about her kid. "Oh my kid is so amazing! I love my kid! My kid is so sweet, she never cries." That's because your kid is autistic. Now shut the hell up and put out. Every mother thinks that her kid is a genius and so cute, when in reality her kid is an ugly troll that shits itself. If her kid isn't building rockets and finding a cure for cancer, then it's not amazing. Oh, your kid doesn't cry? Good job! I don't cry, do I get a medal? The truth is, girls with kids aren't interesting at all. This is why they're pregnant and single in the first place. They aren't interesting to talk to, so they're not worth being friends with, so the only thing that they can offer people is sex.

On top of everything else, these girls are usually morons. They are stupid because they boned without a condom, didn't use birth control or are too stupid to realize that you aren't supposed to take antibiotics when you're on it. Another reason why they're stupid is after they did get knocked up, they didn't get an abortion! Anyone with two brains cells knows that if you're gonna have a kid with someone you barely know, vacuum that little fucker out of there. It's not rocket science. The bottom line is that these girls are too stupid to even put up with for more than half a microsecond, and in return, should be avoided at all costs.

Cocoa's Retort:
Although I hate to bring it up, broads with kids are useful if you're looking to get married. Now now now, I'm not saying you should be looking to get married, but let's say you have a reason for getting married young. For example, you have a terminal health condition that will leave you crippled and in a wheelchair by the time you're in your mid-thirties. In that case, you're definitely going to want some people who are legally and/or morally obliged to push your ass around and provide for you all day. And if you have to get married, a chick who already has kids is the way to go.

As I mentioned before, a chick who already has kids is either getting child support, government assistance, or both. Many men who date girls with kids often resent the fact that they're raising some other man's child. I dare you to look at it the other way - see it as the other man raising your child. It's the best. He pays for most of the child's things, and he takes the kid away from you on weekends, so you have some quality time to spend without the little fucker annoying you. In addition, the kid will have another set of aunts, grandparents, etc. to watch him when needed. It's definitely the way to go. How many other men can say that they don't pay for any of their kid's necessities and they have a plethora of family members to pawn the kid off on? In addition, you don't have to deal with the year that the mother's pregnant and healing from the pregnancy. The other guy had to deal with all that.

Fun Reading:
Birth stories from young mothers
Single mothers who have given up finding love
Where to find an abortion clinic in your area

Friday, September 11, 2009

Rape: Deaf vs. Blind

Introduction:
Rape is a common thing that we all have to deal with in everyday life, like making a sandwich, watering flowers, or turning those shit-stained boxers inside out when you wash them. There's a good chance (if you're a girl or a little boy) that you will get raped at one point, if you haven't been already. Wolves like to pick off the smallest and weakest members of the pack, and this goes for humans, as well. If someone has to be raped, who should it be? The deaf or the blind?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Hands down, deaf people are the better of the two to rape. If you're raping a girl, what does she do? She cries and screams for help. Well, if she's deaf she'll be whining, but she won't be calling out for someone to save her ass. She'll squawk something that sounds like a seal with his slippery little cock slammed in a door. This will be annoying, of course, but no one will care. People will probably just think that some retard sprained her ankle. Thus, nobody will come to help her, and the neighbors will be pissed off at all the ruckus. Plus, I don't have to stuff a sock in her mouth, which is one less thing I have to bring along in my rape tool kit, which includes the following:

1. My penis

You don't have to go all out with supplies when you go out and rape a deaf girl. Just bring the bare essentials.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying rape is right. Okay, maybe I am. So if it must be done, do you want to get caught? Fuck no! That's why a deaf person is the preferred choice by many a rapist. You can sneak up behind them and they won't hear you. You'll be donkey punching her in her assisted living home and you can grunt and tell her all your secrets, “My name is Frank Smith, I live on 234 South Main Street. I enjoy cooking waffles in my sister's panties while I touch myself!” And you know what she'll do about it? Nothing. She can't hear shit, so there's no way that she'll be able to point you out if she hears your voice at the super market while you're buying lube and pineapples.

A lot of deaf people have a certain type of hearing aid which is basically a magnet that sticks to their skull. I'm not sure how this works, but I'm guessing that they have a magnet inserted into their scalp...or their skull is magnetic. I don't know the mechanics of it, but how awesome would it be to stick refrigerator magnets on them? Remember as a kid when you had the alphabet magnets on your fridge? While your mom was on the crapper, you would spell out your name, or something like "BITCH GET OFF THE SHITTER AND MAKE SOME DINNER BEFORE DAD BEATS YOU AGAIN". Oh, how awesome it was being a kid. Now take that awesomeness and apply it to nailing a deaf chick. She'll be walking around the next day like a penguin with "PENIS BLANKETS" spelled out on the side of her head with colorful magnets, alongside a magnet from the pizza place down the road.

I'm a man who likes to laugh. Nothing makes my nipples harder than a good joke. Think about this one, is there anything more funny than raping a deaf chick? I doubt it. Well, possibly raping a deaf chick while she screams in sign language. But putting some mittens on her should shut her right up.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
You can take the deaf ones out. That's fine because I'll be going after the blind ones. Blind girls are easily picked off from the pack. In fact, they pick themselves off. When the broad can't see the road signs, she can easily wander into traffic. Better yet, she can unknowingly wander into a rat maze of fake walls leading right into my van. She's like a sexy, mismatched rat in a maze...who is about to get raped.

Many girls contend that when a guy has sex with them when they're drunk that it's rape, when in reality, it's not, because they didn't actually say "no". At least when I'm raping a blind girl, it's rape rape. A deaf girl can't say no, so it's not actually rape. A blind girl hollers for you to stop, and screams out in pain and agony. If I'm going to rape someone, I'm going to make sure it's actually rape. If you're going to do something, do it right.

And what's cool about blind girls is that they usually wear those sunglasses to cover up their weird eyes. So even when she's crying for help, she'll look sleek and hip while she's doing it. You can take a blind girl anywhere to do the deed, and once it's over and someone finds her meandering around the streets, you'll be long gone. And since she's blind, she'll have no idea where you took her. She won't even know what kind of building it was in.

Why would you wanna rape a deaf girl anyways? She's not even really handicapped. Sure, she can't hear a train coming, but she's not really disabled. What kind of person would rape a girl who's not even disabled? That's just wrong. The whole point of rape is to dominate the girl, and how can you feel dominant if she's not screaming? I'd rather not go through all the trouble of raping someone if all the screaming that's going to go on is some deaf girl jibber-jabber. It'd be a hell of a lot easier just to throw my girlfriend facedown on the bed and put a picture of Portia de Rossi on her back while shoving her face into the pillow. The sounds would be the same.

Fisty's Retort:
Everyone knows that blind girls have a cat-like sense of hearing. Could this be detrimental to a budding rapist? Yes! She may not be able to see, but you'll be fucked when she hears you coming before you even decide to rape her. I don't know much about blind people other than what I've seen in movies, and let me tell you: they scare the hell out of me. I watched the movie Ray a little bit ago; it was a documentary about the blind pianist, Ray Charles. Ray Charles didn't use a cane or dog to navigate. His sense of hearing was so badass that he used fucking sonar! He was like a real life Dare Devil. He would listen to the way that his footsteps bounced off walls and other objects. If you run into a girl who's like that, she'll be able to hear you coming a mile away. She will know that you're coming and be prepared. Deaf girls, on the other hand, wouldn't have this advantage. If you sneak up behind them, they would neither see you, nor hear you.

Blind girls know that bad shit is going to happen. They're always on edge and overly cautious. They already can't see, and yet they still wear sunglasses. What good does that do? Are they afraid they might get even more blind? How is this bad for me? Think about it: you're going to rape a girl who takes too many precautions. She's lost the most important sense, so she has to make up for it in every way possible. She will be more aggressive whenever possible and use her other senses to the best of her ability. She knows that people are going to try to fuck with her. You'll be regretting it immediately once you make the wrong noise around her.

A deaf girl doesn't have a dog that I'll have to worry about immobilizing. And on top of that, blind people have canes as well. You sneak up behind a blind chick and SMACK! She'll whack you in the face like a fat Mexican kid whacking a pinata. So what will you get out of raping a blind chick? A dog biting your ass in half and a cane to the nuts. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun to me.

One last thing: blind chicks always have weird eyes. It's like they're both kind of off in their own little world. They either have that creepy white film over them, or one is usually looking up and to the right while the other is down and slightly to the left. It's a huge turn off, and I can't afford to lose my wood while I'm sticking it to any chick.

Cocoa's Retort:
Just because she's deaf doesn't mean that she's Helen Keller; she can still write, and she'll write out your description. A blind girl can't see you coming - she can't even see what you look like. Sure, she might be able to feel your face and give your description to the police, but if you're any kind of a decent rapist, you'll have her arms broken before she has a chance to do this. Deaf girls are always talking in sign language, which means that their hands are pretty fit. This can be detrimental to you because she will be able to get a mean grip on your face and gouge your eyes out. If you're trying to rape a deaf girl and a blind girl, the deaf girl will have the mace out and ready to fire while the blind girl will still be fumbling around in her purse for it.

And you're really worried about having to take a seeing eye dog out of commission? They're trained to stop for moving vehicles, not tear your arms off. Essentially, seeing eye dogs keep their blind person out of harm's way. Dogs fuck other dogs without consent all the time. So if the dog sees a rape, he'll probably just think that you got your dick stuck in the girl. He'll sit there patiently and wait for it to be over, then he'll drag the girl on home, and if he's a really good dog, he'll lick off her wounds.

Fun Reading:
Awesome facts about deaf people and their culture

Photos of blind people playing sports

Unique issues faced by deaf victims of sexual assault

Beer vs. Liquor

Introduction:
Everybody likes to have a good buzz going on. Going out to the bar or club and partying it up. Alcohol is a perfect solution for a chick who doesn't put out. If she's being a prude bitch, just get some alcohol in her somehow and watch her legs spread. If she's nowhere near bangable, put some alcohol in you and you'll be plowing her like she's a snow-covered road. Alcohol can make any event seem at least tolerable, if not fun. If it's your little brother bris, chug down some alcohol and you won't be contemplating mass homicide. Alcohol is a magical thing, but which type should you drink? Liquor or beer?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Liquor and beer, I do enjoy both. Mainly, because I like to get drunk and try to get in bed with a girl I would usually avoid sober. In the fight between liquor and beer, in my heart (and liver), liquor reigns supreme. A lot of people like the taste of beer. The taste of it actually sickens me. If you're going to drink something that tastes like balls, then do up some shots instead. You get drunk faster and they're pretty fun to do. Think about how awesome it is to be doing up a shot challenge with one of your buddies. Sure, you can do all of that with beer, chug down a can of PBR every time that your girlfriend says something stupid, but what fun is that? Beer just tastes like shit, it's not something that takes balls to drink. Be a man, down a shot of tequila instead. If your buddy chickens out, you can bang his girlfriend because he's a homo and his girl will now know this.

I like to just sit down on the couch, sip my rum and coke while I watch cartoons, and beat my girlfriend (or whoever I bring home that night). It's good fun. Can you do that with beer? Yes, but can you do that with class? Fuck no! You'll just look like a damn redneck getting drunk and beating his wife. However, if you're drinking a martini and you beat your wife, you'll be more suave than James Bond. Want to be a redneck or high school kid? Drink up the beer, fella. Want to be a badass classy son of a bitch? Drink up some liquor.

Liquor is far more alcoholic than beer. Liquor is about at 30-40% alcoholic, while beer is a pussy 6%. Remember this whenever you're in doubt: "liquor is quicker". This means that you'll be dropping less cash partying with liquor than with beer. Most mixers are sugary, and sugar pushes the alcohol into the bloodstream more quickly, thus getting you drunk even faster. You'll be drunk and having a great time in no time. Girly drinks are very sugary, so you can get girls shit housed more quickly with liquor. Order them an appletini or Johnny Vegas and their inhibitions will be out the window faster than their panties. Those drinks taste like candy so they'll drink them and not think twice about how drunk they're getting. If you keep ordering the girls those drinks, they'll keep drinking them. You may be thinking that that you're dropping a shit load of cash on them, but you have to remember that girls are smaller than men, so it takes a lot less alcohol to get them trashed, so maybe two or three drinks will do the trick. It'll cost you less than taking them out to dinner.

I'll even go the extra mile and contend that you can show your sensitive side with liquor. Drink up one of the aforementioned girly drinks and women will think that you're in touch with your feminine side and they'll love it! You order a red-headed slut at the bar and you just might be laying some serious pipe to a red-headed slut later that night. Isn't liquor great?

If you're going to school/church/court/your wedding/a funeral/Jr High School dance and don't want to be bored out of your mind, you can sneak a flask or catheter bag of liquor somewhere. You can't sneak beer anywhere. Do the math here - if takes only a few shots of vodka to get completely fucked up which can easily be disguised in a Gatorade or Pepsi bottle, and how many beers does it take to get drunk off your ass? At least eight on an empty stomach. You can sneak a flask anywhere in your sock, but if you're a beer guy, where are you going to stick a 12-pack of Bud Light ? In your boxers? In your rectum, held firmly in place by your sphincter? As much as I'd like to see that, that would be incredibly difficult and nearly impossible to pull off without resembling a penguin.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
You know who drinks appletinis? Women. You know who drinks Foster's? Men. Simple. Beer does, in fact, taste good. In fact, beer tastes so good that you can drink it without having to mix it with something first. With women, if you have to add a couple other women in with your girlfriend just to get a boner, then that should be a pretty good sign that your girlfriend's not hot enough, and you should switch to another one. And, unlike with liquor, when you drink beer without mixing it with something, you can drink more than one ounce of it at a time, and do it without that cringing look on your face that would make an onlooker assume somebody's about to finger you in the ass.

I like the social aspect of alcohol. I like to drink my alcohol slowly. Beer is something you drink slowly. You're at the bar with your friends, you order a beer, relax and talk. When you take shots, you just get shitfaced more quickly than you realize and before you know it, you're throwing up in the bathroom and missing out on the party. Nothing beats buying a pitcher and hanging with the guys. When you drink beer, it's a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, and you're less likely to get out of control and check out before you have a chance to dupe some dumb drunk girl into giving you a twisty.

The only people that have an excuse to drink liquor are girls. Girls are supposed to take the shots of hard shit, while men should drink beer. That way, the girl gets drunk much faster than the guy does, and when she's fading in and out of consciousness, you're still sober enough to drag her to an alley somewhere and take advantage of her.

Drinking liquor tends to make you do dumber shit than drinking beer does. When you get drunk off of beer, you're aware of how drunk you're getting. "I've been drinking for five hours. I've drank an entire 12-pack." Whereas if you're drinking liquor, you can get drunk too quickly and not realize it yet. "I just started drinking twenty minutes ago. I'm nowhere near drunk yet." Next thing you know, you're shit housed. Not that I'm against doing stupid things, but if I'm gonna get herpes, I at least wanna remember getting it.

Fisty's Retort:
You may have to "water down" liquor (with awesome things such as: energy drinks, coke, juice, cheese, more liquor) in order to take it down, but we forget that beer is already watered down...with piss. It looks like piss, it tastes like piss (don't ask me how I know this...okay...I'm into golden showers), so I'm assuming that beer is alcoholic piss. Beer is barely even alcoholic; you drink 8 ounces of beer and you won't even feel a buzz. On the other hand, if you drink 8 ounces of vodka, you'll be vomiting all over and banging every fat chick in sight (sometimes doing both these tasks at the same time!). Downing 8 ounces of vodka is the equivalent of 8 shots. That's why they have shots, because we liquor drinkers are classy mother fuckers and don't want to get shit faced immediately. I like to take a shot, drink a rum and coke, take another shot, drink an appetini, punch someone because they called me gay, and, if I'm still coherent, drink a few more mixed drinks and a shot, then bang my friend's mom and puke. What would you do if you drink beer? Drink, touch a minor, pass out. Fun, eh? Fuck! Kinda.

I, personally, do not enjoy having to take a piss every couple minutes. With beer, in order to get a good buzz going on you'll have to down at least a couple of beers. That'll fill up your bladder pretty decently. Most bars have gross as hell bathrooms. I recently took a piss while I was at a bar, and I had to empty my bladder in a trough. If that bar had been crowded, I'd be crossing streams with another dude. When I'm taking a piss, the only dick that I want to see is my own. If you do up some shots at the bar, you'll be going to the pisser less often than if you're downing a 32 oz draft. You'll have to piss so much that even when you do take a girl home, you have to stop every five minutes to piss. If you opt out of stopping to piss, get ready for the most uncomfortable car ride of your life.

If you're in a pinch, you can drink liquor outside the bar to save money. You don't want to take a half hour to slam a 6 pack when you could just take a few shots and be fine. Also, you won't have to piss by the time you get into the bar.

And I'm going to defend the appletini once more: Fuck you, they're delicious!

Cocoa's Retort:
If I'm going out to a bar, I'm buying a beer because I know what's in it. When I order some fruity-ass mixed drink, nine times out of ten, it's gonna be watered down like hell, and I never know how it's going to taste. People often ask "how are the Long Islands at so and so bar?", while nobody ever asks "How is the Bud at that bar?" You don't have to ask because you already know - delicious. If I'm going to spend $10 on a small cup of cranberry juice, Jessica Alba better have freshly squeezed those cranberries with her tits.

I don't know about you, but I hate hangovers. Waking up with a pounding headache, vomit crusted to the side of my face, in bed with my friend while my pants are off, and my hair all sticky from that friend's piss is not my idea of a fun time. When that happened, it was from drinking liquor (I mean, if that had happened...) It's far easier to get blackout drunk and get a hangover with liquor. Liquor is too intense and it's too easy to have a little too much; even one too many shots will tip you over the edge into hangover territory. You drink up a tall glass of rum and coke, you think it's a little strong, and next thing you know, you're waking up in some Mexican's house in Glendale, your head feeling like it's in a cement mixer. It's not that awesome. As I mentioned before, beer is a slower, more controlled path to drunkenness, so you know what you're going to get. There's no guessing when you're going to get drunk and how drunk you're going to get. You already know how drunk you will get and how many beers it will take to get there.

Shots are lame as hell. I like to enjoy my drinking, not have it done in an instant while five other frat guys stand around me, rooting me on as they give each other reacharounds. Drinking is a lot like eating an awesome meal. Do I want it over in an instant? Fuck no. I want to savor the experience. You have to take down liquor in a microsecond because it tastes so shitty. Beer, on the other hand, is as if Jesus spooged in a frosty mug. It's heavenly, to say the least.

Be a man and stick with beer. And once more, you're a homo for liking appletinis, and even gayer for being proud of it.

Fun Reading:
Facts about alcohol consumption
Swift liquor recipes
Find out how much you can drink before you die!
Hilarious features of children born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome