Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Progress

Introduction:
"Progess" is defined in the dictionary as an "advance or development toward a better, more complete, or more modern condition", in other words, it means "shit getting better over time". But is that always true? There are compelling, yet sexy arguments for both sides. Take cars for instance; when they first invented, they were steam powered and you had to crank the engine to get it started. That always backfired and a lot of people ended up having their arms broken due to the crank flying back and smashing the shit out of their arm. What do we have today? Thanks for progress, we have cars that start with a push of a button, calls an ambulance when you've gotten into a wreck and runs on happy thoughts. On the other hand, we have STDs; in the middle ages if I were to bone without a condom, I'd just have to worry about my penis touching a hairy sweaty cooter. Now I have to worry AIDS and child support (and yes, child support is an STD). Progess - good or bad? Fisty and Cocoa go old school on this one.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I'm all for moving forward as a civilization, but progress just isn't always that great of a thing. A good example is to look at women. Now hear me out, I'm not talking about hotness here, saying that I would plow a chick from 1825 before I'd plow a chick from today. I was never alive back then, though, but I'm nostalgic for the old days – days when women couldn't even dream about being able to vote, had to put out regularly, cook you a hearty dinner every evening, children were plentiful and did all your work for you, slavery was legal and rampant, and it was acceptable for men to wear tights and gay wigs and not appear as a transvestite. Ah, the good ol' days.

Granted, women can shave nowadays, but, on the other hand, now they can speak up for themselves and not take shit from any dude. This causes me a lot of problems when I'm beating my girlfriend. Back in the olden days, when a woman didn't have your Fruity Pebbles (or whatever the awesome cereal was around back then) ready when you got up, then you were within your rights to beat her and giggle like a school girl throughout the entire act. She would get your breakfast ready and then give you a mighty hand job. Men were even expected to beat their wives. If someone's wife talked out of line, you could say to them, "Sir, your wife forgets herself!" and then he could publicly beat her. Now you can't lay a finger on (let alone, in) a woman.

The suckiness of progress doesn't even stop with women. I'm cheap as hell and everything was much cheaper back in the day. You could get a Coke and a Snickers and literally only spend a dime. Now you'll be spending over $3.00. I'm no math wiz, but I'm going to guess that that's about a 3000% increase and that is unacceptable. The olden days are where it's at. Burgers for 15 cents? You bet your ass. Nail the classiest of prostitutes for the change I find under the couch cushions? You can count on it. Hell, in the old days, prostitutes were to stupid that when they got STDs, they tried to cure them with mercury, which promptly killed them. It was great - you always knew that prostitutes were young and clean, because they literally killed themselves if they weren't. $850 for a brand new car? Damn right. You'd be lucky if you can find a car with a working transmission for double that price these days.

No one cared about kids back in the day, and that's just the way I like it. Everything nowaday is child safety this and child safety that. Child safety locks, child safety seats, child safety condoms and everything else that you can think of. Babies are coddled like no other. Child seats in the car until they're 4 feet tall? Really? I sat on my mom's lap in the front seat of a pickup with no seat belt until I was 15 and I turned out just fine. If the car's on fire, the child seat will do more harm than good. And if you crash a car with a kid in it, you better hope that the car does catch fire. At stores, they always have recall notices for things. 90% of them are toys and they're recalled for moronic reasons, like lead paint. Lead? C'mon now! As a kid I played with Creepy Crawlers which came with molds that were made from solid lead. The other shit that's recalled are things that kids can choke on. If a kid is stupid enough to eat lead paint or choke on Legos, they deserve to die. If you ask me, it's survival of the fittest.

Progress doesn't suck only because of the children either, I hate old people as well. Thanks to the progress of modern medicine, the avereage lifespan is 80-years-old, and some people even live to be over 100! That's waaay too long. Back in the pilgrim days, people were lucky to live past 40 and most of the children died from the mumps before they even hit 10. That is just awesome. The manliest of children lived and they died before they became useless old people. Now everyone lives, even diabetics and retards! People live far beyond their expiration date and are destined to end up filling Wal-Marts and nursing homes with their depressing and decrepit asses. Fuck progress.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Fuck that. Progress is the best thing ever. I'm not a vaginal historian, but I suffice it safe to say that it wasn't commonplace for women to shave until the last couple decades. I've seen old pornos, and a bush seemed to be the thing to have. I can't stand it when a girl even has a landing strip, so to me, the fact that my grandkids will likely have cancer at age 30 seems like a small price to pay for progress.

Sure, women can vote now, but along with the right to vote, they've also gotten the ability to work at almost any job they choose. While on first glance, that might seem fucked up that they should be allowed out of the kitchen, keep in mind that when a woman works, she also earns income. And your income, plus 75% more, equals more vacations and a nicer home. Plus, you probably have lazy kids, so if you're a man, you can beat them into doing an hour or two of work around the house everyday, and all your wife's housework is done. How many batches of cookies do you need done while you're at work? Might as well have her out making money instead of sitting around home watching Lifetime all day.

Young hipsters complain about progress because of global warming, overcrowding, the rampant occurrence of identity theft, and all kinds of other things you'd read about in Mother Jones. The internet may be a main cause of the rise in statutory rape, identity theft, and carpal tunnel, but it's also become a larger depository for porn than anyone could ever imagine. So sure, my credit card number might get stolen now and then, but I can call a bank and have all that taken care of in a jiffy. You know how much I'd have to pay if I were to monetarily obtain all the porn that I have? Having my personal info at risk of being stolen is more than worth the amount of times I've beaten off to online porn. If I weren't getting this porn for free to beat off to, I'd be cheating a lot more than I already do, and that's almost scary to think about.

Aww, but the increase in internet and text usage decreases the amount of face-to-face interaction we're having with our peers. Yeah? Well, fuck my neighbor and my family. If it weren't for being able to text or Facebook, and instead I had to call a random broad out of nowhere, I wouldn't get laid nearly as often as I do. These technological advancements make it so much easier to stay in touch with women, and get a hold of them in so many less creepy ways. Up until even the late '90s/early 2000s, to call a chick, you'd have to wait for everyone else in the house to get off the phone, then call the girl and hope that nobody at her house was on the phone. Even worse, if you were calling up a girl you hadn't talked to in a couple of years, it would an awkward-assed phone call. You'd have to wait for her to remember who you are, explain that you're not a loser anymore, and try to convince her to meet up with you somewhere. With Facebook, you can just add her as a friend, make sure she sees all the pictures of you with hot girls so she realizes you're desirable, and then she'll send you a message, wanting to meet up. No awkward phone calls, no trying to track down friends who still have her phone number. Hell, Facebook even suggests broads for you to befriend who you've probably forgotten about since you graduated. You can use Facebook to see if a girl's married (not like it matters, but it lets you know how sneaky you have to be), to see if she has kids, or even to see where she works.

Fisty's Retort:
The internet may be awesome for online porn, but it does give women a lot of information on how to stand up for themselves and how to discover if I'm cheating on them or not. This does not spell out good news for me. With all of this information online not only can she check my browser history and find out that I've been checking out asian midget porn, but I've also been hitting on chicks on Facebook and such. Then she goes and reads all these posts in various women's forums about tips to be more assertive and to determine if I'm cheating on her. This means that she'll be more of a bitch and will trust me even less. I'll tell her to go back to the kitchen, but she'll just be a bitch and cock-block me that night. Yeah, it's a sad day when your wife cock-blocks you, leaving you no chance of nailing a random girl that night. Feminist bitch.

Indeed, young hipsters whine global warming, overcrowding, and identity theft, and you know what? That's annoying as fuck. I don't care about any of that. I hate turning on the TV or my AM radio and hearing about how we all have to drive a Prius, recycle, get Life-Lock, and adopt a foreign kid. The olden days were filled with people like me, people who couldn't care less. Global warming? Hell yeah! More time at the beach! Identity theft? It's impossible to steal my incredibly good looks. Foreign kids? It's not my fault their country sucks. People are too worried and care too much these days. I don't know what happened, but everyone is far too sensitive. Can't call people in wheels or from Texas a retard. Can't drive an SUV. Can't burn down a black church. People these days need to just relax and stop their bitching.

The fact that people choose to use Facebook to contact people may seem cool at first glance, but you have to look at the negative aspect. Of course, I can send a message to a girl on Facebook to get laid, but I can get laid easier asking the cashier at Burger King, "Hey there, mind if my penis plays hide-and-seek with your vagina?". And yes, Facebook may suggest broads for you, but for every one hot chick, there's a quarter-million ugly chicks and douchey dudes who take pictures in front of the mirror with their camera phone. I say fuck it, and go scrounge for hot chicks on my own in real life. I don't have to deal with a slow Facebook loading page, go through one-hundred suggestions, find one hot chick who hasn't been online for six months, wait two weeks for her to add me, send her a message, creep her out and then hope I can nail her. Too much work. Fuck that.

Cocoa's Retort:
I'm fine with all the burdens of modern life. I have no problems paying my phone bill and having to shell out lots of money for technological shit. Because nowadays, I can take a hot shower whenever the fuck I want to. The girl I'm banging uses all kinds of lotions to make her skin super smooth. And fuck, if my girlfriend gets pregnant, I can just slip her a pill and she'll have an abortion.

Look at music now. Did people in the bronze age get to rock out to Powerman 5000 and Rammstein? Fuck no. Even if I was alive in the early 20th century, the electric guitar hadn't even been invented yet, so how could I sit in my basement and shred? When I got drunk in the 1600s, I would have to sit in a pub in Boston and drink some gnarly warm beer with a bunch of fags wearing tights. Now, I can stumble down the road to a shitty bar with Chevelle blaring over the internet jukebox, eat a shit ton of popcorn, and beat all the high scores on the Megatouch.

Up until the last 100 years, there was no TV - not even radio! Everybody had kids by the time they were 20, and in their free time, they actually spent their free time with their family. But now, thanks to all this progress, I can stay single till I'm well into my 30s, and sit around and watch Always Sunny and kick ass at MarioKart all day. I'm not socially obligated to even have a child, much less spend time with one, and I could give a fuck less if a woman has a job or the right to vote, because I'm also not socially obligated to even have a woman in my life. I am perfectly free to drink with my buddies and skateboard as much as I want.

Fun Reading:
Women's progress statistics from 1960 - now
Is golf immune to racial progress?
A picture from the good old days

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Babies vs. STDs

Introduction:
Babies and STDs have a lot in common. For instance, they both suck incredible amounts of ass. They both involve going to a genital-invading doctor more often than you would like to. And most of all, they are both the result of unprotected sex and will haunt you for the rest of your life. But if you had the choice between the two, which is the lesser of two evils?

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
When a lot of guys bang random girls they worry about getting diseases. Diseases really never cross my mind. Maybe it's because I try to only nail girls who are fresh out of (or sometimes, still in) high school, or maybe it's because I don't know anyone (to my knowledge) with diseases so it doesn't seem like a real threat. Whatever the case, the only thing I actually worry about is whether or not I knocked her up. So when it comes to the fight between babies and STDs, STDs are far better.

I cannot stand baby pictures. Everyone seems like they just have to show me pictures of their disfigured baby. This is unacceptable. One of the best things about STDs are that no one will ever show you pictures of their herpes. And if they are the kind of person who would show you, chances are that they're homeless, and homeless people are easy to ignore. Everyone who has a baby seems to be incredibly proud and wants to show anyone and everyone what they've made by getting pounded without a condom. No overly excited jackass will ever show you pictures of the little gift they got from the pre-op tranny on the corner.

AIDS kicks ass. Not only does it kill half of Africa, but it also makes chicks skinny. Babies make chicks fat, loose, and saggy. Full of stretch marks, stretchy nipples and lost hopes and dreams. A chick with AIDS will look like a super model in no time. Time to break out that new bikini! Just make sure she doesn't go outside around flu season or she'll die within minutes. Or maybe, actually make her go outside if you're mad at her - it's your call. AIDS makes for an easy way to break up with a girl tear and headache-free (just so long as you don't exchange bodily fluids with her).

You can't get STDs from nailing a clean girl, but you sure as hell can knock her up. If I'm dating a girl who I know is clean, I don't have to worry about getting the clap from her. The only thing that I have to worry about is knocking her up. I usually have to either wear condoms or make sure that she's taking birth control responsibly (or getting abortions regularly), so STDs never even cross my mind. When she says those dreaded words "I'm late" I worry, even though girls say that they're late even if they start five minutes later than they did last month. If I'm nailing a clean girl, though, I never have a mild heart attack every month from thinking I've contracted HIV. It's pretty rad.

Babies are annoying constantly and grow up to be annoying people, while herpes annoys you and then goes away for a few years before it annoys you again. Herpes are like the grandchildren or nieces and nephews of the STD world, only popping up around holidays and birthdays to piss you off. I don't want any bad outcome of sex to outlast me. When I die, so do my STDs. Can you say the same thing about children? Unless I lock my children in the trunk and do a suicide drive off of a bridge, I can't take them to the grave with me. Why the hell would I want some little bastards that I made in the world after I die? When I kick the bucket, I want to leave behind only memories of my legendary awesomeness, not some stupid little kids.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
I love to raw dog chicks. I love it very much, indeed. Using a condom is like watching Twister through a stained-glass window. It's something amazing that should be enjoyed in the best way possible, and wrapping your penis in a piece of latex is just not cool - it doesn't feel as good, and most importantly, your penis just doesn't smell like sex after you're done. When I bang a chick, I want to smell my dirty heroic penis for hours after. I want to bend down to untie my shoes at the end of the day and get a waft of that dried-up vagina musk all over my penis. However, the downside to this is - you guessed it - my arch enemy, STDs!

I'm far more worried about STDs than about babies. Babies are easy to get rid of - abortions are legal in many states, and there are many homebrew recipes to get rid of them when abortions aren't available. To me, I've never worried about knocking up a chick too much. Obviously, I take precautions (pulling out, anal, squirting mercury up the vagina with an oversized eyedropper), but I never worry about a girl being pregnant after I've humped her. Not even if she says she's worried.

My roommate bangs his girlfriend once a month - right after she's off her rag. Then he immediately freaks out and thinks she's pregnant and won't bang her again till she has her next period. He pulls out and she's on the pill, and yet he still worries. I couldn't spend my life living like that. Why bother worrying about a girl being pregnant? If she isn't pregnant, awesome! Fuck her some more. If she is pregnant, oh well. Schedule an abortion and while she's waiting to have it done, jizz inside her every chance you get, worry-free. Can't knock her up if she's already knocked up, can you?

One of the best things about having a baby instead of an STD is that having a baby doesn't ruin your sex life. It may ruin your life, but not necessarily your sex life. Sure, if you stop seeing the mother, you'll have to pay child support, but at least you can still raw dog lots of chicks. But when you get herpes, it's pretty hard to get chicks to want to blow you. Even if girls know you have a baby, they're still fine with blowing you. It's not like they'll get a baby from it. But if you have AIDS, that's a different story. In fact, girls think babies are cute, and they love it when a guy is good with kids. You go out in public with a stroller and a smile, and chicks will be clammoring over each other to make contact with your nuts. You strut the streets with a tube of Herpecin sticking out of your pocket, odds are, chicks will not want your balls.

Most of the girls that I bang are pro-abortion. I'm a very liberal person, and I hate talking to conservative chicks. I usually break them down, piss them off, and make them cry. That tends to greatly reduce my chances of being able to put my penis inside them. And with all my banging I've done, I've only had a couple pregnancies to worry about. Abortion took care of one of them, and the rest were miscarried. You knock a diabetic girl up, you can just take away her insulin for a couple days and she'll miscarry. If a diabetic girl has syphilis and you take away her insulin, she just goes blind and faints. Girl not diabetic, and doesn't have a natural miscarriage? Abort. Plain and simple. There are lots of ways to get rid of a baby. You can't abort herpes. Sadly, sadly, you can't abort herpes.

Fisty's Retort:
If I get the clap, that just requires a trip to the doctor and a prescription for some antibiotics. That's all that is required from the clap. Babies require food. Food gets expensive and even worse, unlike antibiotics which you just take either daily or weekly, babies have to be fed multiple times a day! How ridiculous is that?

Yes, if you knock a girl up you can get her to get an abortion, but believe it or not, some girls are anti-abortion. It boggles the mind, but some girls actually want to keep the baby of a dude who did her in the ass and cheated on her in the same day. Don't believe me? How many single mothers do you know? Exactly. Many anti-abortion groups are even headed by women, so what if you knocked one of them up? You'll knock up a chick who won't get an abortion, of course she's a bitch so she'll demand a lot of child support from you, and by the end of the day you'd take drip-dick in a heartbeat over the shit she puts you through.

Most STDs are curable. Only AIDS and the herp aren't. If you're white, chances are low that you'll get AIDS, and meds can make herpes seem like a distant memory. What about babies? If the chick actually gives birth, that's something that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Until the kid is 18, you'll be paying child support up the ass, not to mention getting nasty phone calls and visits from lawyers when you don't pay. Not only that, but you'll be expected to occassionally see the kid. You'll get the kid on weekends. Well, good-bye weekends. Kiss you social life good-bye. Sure, you can pump the kid full of meds until it keels over and dies, but sadly that's illegal. It's not illegal, however, to do the same with an STD.

What kind of mother would still give birth to a baby even though she knows it will be raised poor, and without a father? Do you really want your child being raised by a woman who would do that to a kid? It will seriously mess that kid up. Granted, kids suck, but that's your kid carrying your genes being raised by some moronic, high school drop-out bitch. You may not ever see the kid, but wouldn't you take comfort in the fact that a doctor and a lawyer are raising your kid instead of a single, unemployed loser who pawns the kid off on her mother? How would that make you feel? Now, if you gave her herpes instead and she then gave the herpes to her mom, wouldn't that fill you with joy instead of anger associated with a baby?

And so what if you "can't raw dog any girl you want"? If a girl is dumb enough to get boned without protection, doesn't she deserve an STD? I sure as fuck wouldn't feel bad spreading it. If I had an STD (which I don't) and I picked up some random girl at a club somewhere and nailed her in the bathroom and she doesn't feel it necessary to know my name or ask if I have a condom, I won't shed a tear if her crotch had a bad case of the itch. It's her fault she's stupid and let a mysterious dude go in unprotected.

Cocoa's Retort:
Babies may have their fair share of downfalls, but at least I can get rid of it for the the night. I can't stop by mom's house and drop my herpes off for the night so I can hit up the bar without scratching my sores. I can pawn my baby off on a number of people/places, and it can be out of sight and out of mind, and nobody I randomly sleep with at the end of the night has to know I have it. I can't pay 60 bucks a day to drop my AIDS off at a daycare facility and play with it all day. Well, I'm sure I could get girls to play with my AIDS, but I'm sure it would cost much more than 60 bucks a day.

And speaking of money, if you play your cards right, a baby can actually make you money. For the unclassy, there is Welfare, or adoption. For the high roller, there is always knocking up a rich chick, then proving to a court that she is insane and incapable of raising a child, then she has to pay you child support. This can easily be done with a few well-planted bottles of prescription pills and/or some forged love letters from a Venezuelan man named Sergio.

A baby is nice because you have a really long waiting period before you decide you actually want to have it. I can't get herpes, then take a few months to decide whether or not I want to throw my girlfriend down the stairs. Surely, if a girl gave me herpes, I'd throw her ass down an upward escalator, but as funny as it would be to watch, I'd still have herpes. Would a baby survive that? Fuck no.

And believe me, I sure as fuck don't want a baby, but how much damage to a guy does a baby really do? It's the girl who has to put up with the pregnancy, with the birthing, with the biting of her titties. I, on the other hand, might have to pay some child support if I'm unsuccessful in inducing a miscarriage on the Gravitron at the county fair. But if I don't come into contact with the kid for the first three years, I have a pretty good legal defense against having to pay child support. AIDS, on the other hand, well, would give me some weird rare infections and kill me. But since I wouldn't be able to freely raw dog any chick I want, then I might just as well be dead.

Fun Reading:
All you need to know about STDs
An awesome poster from WWII
"I'm 16 and having trouble getting pregnant" You're also stupid.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Rag Sex

Introduction:
Sex on the rag - everyone has considered it at one time or another. You're with a girl, really horny, making out with her, and doing some heavy fondling only to find out that she has a tampon shoved up her snatch, blocking your penis's way of entry. It's quite the situation to be in. Most men give up trying to have sex with the girl for that night and settle for a hand job instead. Even though she's leaking a bloody unused potential child out of her cooter, is it still worth trying to go the extra mile to nail her? Fisty and Cocoa decide whether rag sex is just plain wrong or worth every blood-soaked tampon-filled second.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Nothing is worse than the infamous murder scene. When I have sex, I like to leave as little stainage as possible. Sure, with sex you'll have a little bit of white vagina juice staining your bed sheets or the bottom of your shirt if you didn't take it off, but that washes out easily. Blood, though, doesn't come out. That's a real stain. If you ever fucked a girl on the rag in your car, not only should you get slapped, but you should get a steam cleaner. That will stink up your car and it will leave a lasting reminder of the time you nailed that skanky chick with a bloody cooter, you sick, sick bastard.

The period isn't just blood...I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's not just blood. The more I think about it, the more I want to puke. You know how your nose is a few hours after a nose bleed? You've got some blood still up there, scabs and bloody boogers. That's pretty much what'll be on your dick if you fuck a girl on the rag. Not to mention that most of the blood-paste will be on your balls and the base of your penis. The condom will just be a little rust-stained, but your balls will receive the worst of it. After all your balls have done for you, this is the thanks they get?

The "good" thing about girls on the rag is that they are always willing to tell you when they're bleeding. They try to act like they're embarrassed about it and not directly say it, but they want you to know. You asked them what they've been up to, they'll say right off the bat "went to the store to get some woman supplies", meaning tampons, or else they'll say that they've had such a bad day and mention something about how Aunt Flow is visiting or some other disgusting euphemisms that dumb chicks think are cute. As dumb and annoying as this is, at least you know you won't be surprised. How bad would it be if you got a chick naked then as you went to bang her, you were just bashing your tip against a tampon? So at least they tell you that they're on the rag, and if you were planning on nailing her that night, you better reschedule for a few days later. If she wants you to nail her while she's bleeding, make up some kind of excuse like that you are working late that day, aliens are invading, or you have sex with a girl unless she takes you out to a fancy dinner first.

When I have sex and there's blood, it better be because she's a virgin. I nailed this chick once and she bled all over the University of Michigan's bathroom floor. I would've been very angry at her for getting blood all over my junk had it not been blood caused by my rockin' penis breaking her hymen. It looked like a slaughter house in there, almost like I stepped onto the set of a slasher film. After we finished, she ran into the stall to clean herself and I was left with the mess on the floor. The only time I'll clean up any blood after sex is after a deflowering. And I didn't even really clean that up, just threw a couple paper towels on the floor and called it good.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Really? There's nothing wrong with sex on the rag. If you don't want to do it when the chick's cranked up to full flow, then that's just fine. But if the girl's at the end of her period and she's not geysering blood out of there, a few streaks aren't gonna hurt your penis. In fact, just think of them as racing stripes. Maybe it'll mentally help you bang her faster...makes your dick look streamlined and cool, like a Weinermobile painted up for a drag race in the 50s.

And you don't have to cover your bed in drop cloths like you're about to perform a dismemberment. A set of red sheets or a red towel, no matter how moronic and overused it sounds, will actually work great. If she's only a little spotty, you can bang however you want and just make sure that when you pull out, your dick's near the towel. The heavier the flow is, the more careful you have to be that you stay above the towel, and the more limited you are in the moves that you can do. You're not gonna want her to be on top when she's in the middle of her period - the blood will start to flow over your balls and follow your taint all the way to your asshole, like when you're trying to pour some Kool-Aid from a pitcher and it just runs down the side instead. But when she's toward the end of her rag, and it's just getting slow and more brownish, feel free to toss her all around. Of course, don't bang her near your pillow in case you have a streak that decides to rub off on something. Just be mindful of what you've got painted on your shaft, and you're good to go.

The shower is always a good place to do some bloody bonin'. As long as you're fine with seeing a few murder smears against the wall, you should have no problem. This is good for any verocity of flow, even heavy. With a heavy flow, when you're banging in the bedroom, the girl will have to pull her tampon out in the bathroom then run to the bedroom quickly and hope that no blood starts to drip out by the time she gets there. And once she's there, you have the whole towel/sheet situation mentioned above to worry about. When humping that blood shooter in the shower, she can flush her tampon and jump in the shower before you even get in there. And, according to a lot of girls, they actually stop bleeding as much once they get in the shower. And just think, even if she's not on the pill, you shouldn't have any worries when raw dogging her, since all that precum just gets mixed in with the blood and shooed right out with the rest of it.

Boning a girl on the rag is awesome because you don't have to worry about hurting her. When she has cramps that feel like her liver and pancreas are having a fistfight, with her ovaries caught in the middle, she sure as hell isn't going to bitch about you pulling her hair too hard. And you know that sweet move that you do when you're pissed off at her, where you put her one leg up and shove your dick all the way as hard as you can, and she yells when your tip hits whatever the fuck's in there? You can do that move, and she probably won't notice that pain over the cramps she's having. And if you really want to live in fantasy land, then the bloodier the better; when you stare down at the blood smeared from your belly button down to your thighs and all over her cooter, tell yourself that it was from fucking her so hard that you just tore the fuck out of her. Or, even better, tell yourself that there was a baby in there and you bashed it to shit and that's why she's so bloody. Mind over matter, my good friend.

Fisty's Retort:
Why would you want your balls and shaft covered in coagulated blood? Rag time is a great time to make her give you a blow job. Finally you can watch some TV and have it all be about you. Why would you even want to think about pleasing her while she's on her period? What's wrong with you? Girls get pleasure from sex and it relieves period cramps when she does the dirty deed; why would you want to relieve her pain? You're suffering because you have to put up with her bitchiness and bloody vagina for the past few days, it's time she pleases you.

Fucking in the shower just doesn't work, whether you're humping a bleeding vagina or not. I don't know about you, but fucking standing up is incredibly awkward. I get bow-legged and shit. It just doesn't work out too well, eventually I'll get tired and will want to sit down. Not only that, but the blood running down both of our legs and hanging out around the drain is enough to sink my boner into the ground. And that's if she has a good shower. If it's at the girl's place, the drain will be clogged. The girl's long hair will have clogged up that drain, so after a few minutes of shower sex you'll have a nice little pool of bloody water around your feet. Yeah, that sure sounds arousing.

Cocoa's Retort:
Rag sex is some of the best you can have. Girls are horny as fuck when they're on the rag. When the blood starts gushing, their hormones start flowing. Girls are always horniest right before their period starts and into the first day or two. They may feel like they're being fisted because their cramps hurt so badly, but at the same time, they're super horny. And since most of their exes were pansies and refused to bang her while she was on the rag, she's never known the joys of it. Think about it - she's already super horny, then you add to it your awesome work on her, kissing her neck, biting her shoulder, etc...and before you know it, she'll be squirting blood in her most worked-up orgasm ever.

And it's bad enough that you have to deal with the girl being on the rag anyway. She's going to be moody and complain about her cramps all the time. You can't just randomly finger her when she's making dinner like you usually do, and your bathroom is going to have that weird smell it always does when a girl on the rag is around. So are you going to let her period get in the way of you getting laid too? Fuck no. The other things, you don't really have any control over. But if you let some blood get in the way of you getting laid, then sir, you just aren't a real man.

Fun Reading:
Another debate about rag sex!
An important question about rag sex
An awesome drink recipe


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Child Labor vs. Slave Labor

Introduction:
Both slave and child labor are pretty much hated by the entire world for unknown reasons. Why is there such ill will towards these hard workers? Slaves formed the backbone of America while children were upfront during the industrial revolution. This just shows that slave and child labor are both very helpful and very useful, despite their taboo. We at Man Debates dig doing shit the old-school way (with the exception of women grooming and porn), but we got stuck on whether we should use child labor or bring back slavery. We debated it out and documented it for your pleasure. Fisty! Cocoa! Go!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:

Kids aren't good for anything these days, so we need to make them good for something. As gay as it sounds, kids are the future. I care about my species and I don't want humanity to become a bunch of pussified morons. That's why child labor is the way to go. Not only is it efficient, but it also helps out the human race in the long run. Kids get everything handed to them and they still whine and cry. The children of this generation are selfish assholes who need to learn some responsibility. You know what happens when kids don't learn responsibility? You know the old creepy door greeter at Wal-Mart checking out all the 12-year-olds that come by? Yep, they'll be lucky if the pinnacle of their lives is being that guy.

Around the turn of the last century, kids knew responsibility and how to provide for their families. Parents had it made; after the dad got his legs blown off during the Spanish-American War, he just got to lay back while his five-year-old worked in the coal mines. The kids who worked in the coal mines grew up to be champions of human achievement. The reasoning is simple: working in the coal mines was a rough as fuck job. The weaker and more pansy kids died pretty quickly by being crushed to death or getting the black lung. Only the hardest working and truly manly survived. You know what those kids became? Nazi killers. You know what the kids of today will become? The people on Jersey Shore.

I honestly despise kids. When I see kids in public walking around and being useless, I think, "Why aren't you doing manual labor? Make me some Nikes or something, you lazy asshole". If a kid loses his arm making my shoes, I'll love those shoes and wear them everyday. I will be filled with joy knowing that a child was severely wounded while making something that my smelly-ass feet step in dog shit with. I'll show my friends and family, "Hey! Ya know little one arm Billy from down the road?! He lost his his little arm making these sweet sneakers!" I'll be the envy of the town.

I dig child labor because traditional American slavery just doesn't have enough staying power. Slavery was done away with back in the 1860's, while child labor kept kicking ass well into the 20th century, and it still prospers overseas. This is because the only people who liked slavery were a bunch of rednecks who proudly raised the confederate flag while raping their sisters. Rednecks can never do anything right; that's why the Confederacy lost and that's why slavery went down the shitter. Why support something that only rednecks support? If you support slave labor, you might as well support incest, moonshining, the bible being taught in public school, living in a trailer park, country music, not washing, and square dancing as well. Child labor, on the other hand, is loved and accepted by everyone worldwide.

On top of all that, I can kick a kid's ass, but I'll be damned if I could kick a slave's ass. I can whip a child into working, and I won't have to fear a bunch of kids getting up and starting a revolt. If they tried anything I could just take their toys away and punch them in the scrotum that doesn't even have anything in it yet. But with slaves? Fuck yeah, I'll have to worry! You have a bunch of black dudes (or Jews if you plan on building some pyramids or something) working outside constantly, lifting heavy shit and pretty much getting strong as hell. I'm a skinny white dude who doesn't own any guns. I wouldn't stand a chance.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
"Rome wasn't built in a day." Nor was it built by children. The greatest things ever built throughout history were built by slaves. Pyramids? Slaves built them. The Coliseum? Again, slaves. Greece? Slaves. For christ's sake, slaves even fought in the Civil War for the south! How fucking sweet is that? They are so damn awesome that they'll risk their lives to stay slaves. What do your kids do when you force them to do labor? That's right, they do your dishes and mow your lawn. Congratulations, you've turned your son into a Mexican.

Slaves are the way to go. With a kid, you have to spend years whipping his ass into shape. And then what? He does your bidding for a while, then he moves on. Though he may be manlier than bear pubes and will hopefully dominate his wife in every way possible, he still moves on. Slaves, though, they work forever. And you barely even have to train them. Either you own that slave's parents, or you won this slave in with a lucky hand of poker. Either way, he's getting broken in by someone else. So you save the training period, and you keep that fucker till the day he dies. What's even better - slaves make you new slaves! How much sweeter can that be? Can a slave go to the doctor and get on the pill? No. Can a slave buy condoms? No. Their only birth control options are pulling out and gutting a cat to use the intestines as a condom. They're making plenty of new field plows for you.

And how much work can a child really do? Slaves are big fellas. They're bred from long line of badasses. Slaves work all fucking day and get big and strong. Kids are short and weak. Sure they can make shit, but slaves are genetically engineered to have endurance. You pit a slave and a child against each other in a boxing ring, and who do you think is going to win? That's right, my slave will dominate your child, and not in the sexy way. Slaves do awesome shit all the time, like sing and dance. They don't bitch about their work - they just sing some old-ass work song, and they're fine. Kids, on the other hand, bitch all the time, then ask you why they're getting boners out of the blue.

On top of everything else, slaves are awesome because you know they'll never do anything to revolt. Let's face it, slaves are so used to slavery, they don't even give a shit anymore. Non-enslaved black people are more pissed about slavery than the slaves themselves were; they should just go back to being slaves, then they'd be happier. In the 1850s in South Carolina, for instance, there were many counties in which slaves accounted for 70% or more of the total population. Even if they only comprised 20% of the population, they were still big and strong enough that they could have led a hell of a revolt. But did they? Fuck no. Although they had a huge advantage and could easily have slaughtered their masters and their neighbors, they did nothing. I would have no fear of my slaves rebelling against me. Kids, on the other hand, listen to Marilyn Manson and watch MTV and are programmed to fight the man. I want my worker to be docile and complacent. Kids are wiley little twits and think rebellion is cool. Fuck them. I'm sticking with my slaves.

Fisty's Retort:
Everyday in the news I hear about the childhood obesity "epidemic". If we actually made kids go out and shovel some coal for 16 hours-on-end they may actually work off some of that fat. I go into Wal-Mart all the time and see a kid who looks like he'll have a heart attack by the time he's ten. It pisses me off. If that kid dies, then that's a waste of good and cheap labor. That morbidly obese kid could be making me some Transformers action figures to add to my collection. It saddens me to think about.

If we have kids work in sweat shops here and take all the jobs that no one else wants, then Mexicans will eventually stop coming over here. They won't be able to mow the lawn, clean sperm-soaked blankets from motels, and sell oranges on the sidewalk because all the five-year-olds will already be doing it. Eventually Mexicans won't be able to find anything worth a damn here and stop coming over.

Mothers would love child labor; having kids plow the fields, make shoes and dig up some snazzy coal in the mines. Times are tough these days and the fewer kids that come back alive, the less she has to cook. And let's be honest here, would you really want black people hanging around your house? At least when you have kids, you know that it'll only be more white people you'll have to be around.

Why do we force kids to make shit in China anyway? So we can save money by exploiting children? Exactly. China has been doing up child labor for years, and look at them. Everyone buys their products, they have a great economy, not to mention there's a lot of Asian chicks in China. Let's recap here: with child labor you get a great economy, trade networks with the world and Asian chicks. With slave labor you get...Detroit...hmm...wow.

Cocoa's Retort:
You go on making kids do your work...for ten years. Then when they're not kids anymore, you'll have to get new kids. I'll just stick with my slaves - they'll do my work work all day, then go back to their huts and bang and produce my new little slaves. Kids don't reproduce themselves. You have to create them, then you have to raise them. At least with slaves, you're perfectly within your rights to keep them out of your house. They do all your work for you, and you never even have to see them. Kids, however, have to sleep in your house. You have to buy food for them, and you have to take them to the doctor. If the slaves insist on coming into your house, you can just burn a cross on the lawn to keep them at bay. That sure as shit doesn't keep a child away from the house. I've tried.

Granted, if you own slaves, people are bound to call you weird things like "racist". That's an easy fix, however. Just run outside, bang one of your slaves, and bam! problem solved. Would a racist bang a black person? I think not...they may even compare you to Thomas Jefferson, one of the greatest Americans who've ever lived. If someone calls you a child abuser, can you go nail your son while he's sewing you a baseball mitt? Well, probably. But it would take a lot of lube and fingering first, and most likely there would be some bleeding. Way too much work to prove somebody wrong. If we've learned nothing else from the Catholics, we should at least have learned that kids are horrible creatures to have sex with. George Washington banged slaves, and did anyone care? Fuck no. He had slaves do all his work for him so he could spend his time doing more important shit, like winning a war and creating a country. Would he have been able to do all that if he had to boss some stupid-ass little kids around all day?

Fun Reading:

Child and slave labor + chocolate?
Americans fund slave labor
Kids making Nike shoes
A picture of hard working kids

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Girlfriends vs. Sluts

Introduction:

What's better than true love? Okay, a lot of things (Taco Bell, a new TV, genocide, world hunger), but is true love worth putting up with girlfriends? Getting a girlfriend is something every man will do, and most men will bang out a few sluts here and there, between (or, if you're really manly, during) girlfriends. Some men (most notably, rock stars) like to combine the two into one and date porn stars and strippers. However, most men opt for dating a woman who doesn't show off her twat to strangers for a dollar. So which one is better? Sluts or girlfriends? Our men debate it out, and you can decide.

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I love sluts. Sluts are lonely, soulless people who aren't interesting enough to have anything to offer anyone, aside from sex. Sluts are well aware of the fact that the only way they'll get guys to pay any attention to them is to have sex with anyone who acknowledges their existence. Girlfriends, on the other hand, can be summed up in one word: Drama. Very few, if any, girls are compelling or smart enough to have anything that remotely fulfills them or entertains them. Ever find a girl with a kickass personality? Yeah, I haven't either. That's why I stick with sluts. I really don't care if they have a personality, and frankly, I prefer it if they don't talk to me at all. I can bone a slut and not say one word to her the entire time. It's a pretty sweet deal.

Granted, with a girlfriend you'll be able to bone a girl at home if you're having a dry spell, but is it worth it? Would you rather A.) Bang random girls and forget about them, or B.) Have the same old boring sex with your girlfriend for the first month or two until you get bored with her, then put up with her constant bitching and have her get pissed whenever you bang other girls? Girls are jealous as hell. It's annoying. If you bring any girl home with you, even if it's only for a quick blow job, prepare to put up with the bitching of a lifetime! They will not shut up. "How can you bring some girl home with you on my birthday/to my parent's funeral/to our hotel room on our anniversary!?" It never ends! You're a man, you don't need to put up with that.

A girlfriend wants a firm commitment right off the bat. You take her out on one date and she will be wondering where their wedding ring is. A slut doesn't need any kind of commitment, except for your penis's commitment to her vagina and rectum. Sure, she would like to have a relationship, but she's a slut and doesn't want to be tied down to one person either. Of course, a slut will be so happy that she'll piss herself if you do call her, but she won't get her hopes up. She's been a slut for long enough to know that you have no concern for what she has to say. The most a slut is going to expect from you is a text at two o'clock in the morning for a booty call.

Sluts don't make me do anything I don't want to do. I don't know about you, but I hate doing things that I hate doing. If you have a girlfriend, you'll be doing things you hate a whole hell of a lot! You hate seeing her parents? You'll be seeing her parents every fucking day. You hate her friends? You'll be spending more time with her friends than yours! You get where I'm going with this. If you say no just once, and want to actually do something fun, prepare for another helping of bitch. It's just not fucking worth it, man.

One girl cannot satisfy me. One girl can't satisfy any guy! This is why sluts are so great, because you avoid all of that drama that comes with girlfriends and cheating on them. Cheating is a must in any relationship. But it's a pain in the ass to cheat behind your girlfriend's back and cover all of your tracks. As awesome as cheating is, it's a huge hassle to do it and to pull it off correctly. It's far easier to take the girlfriend out of the equation. Just go out and stick it to some chick you met at a bar and never talk to her again. If she calls you, who cares? If people find out about you banging Sally while you're single, it's cool. However, if people find out that you've plowed Sally's anus while your girlfriend was away on a business trip (i.e. driving from the McDonald's she works at to another), then you'll have a problem. Your girlfriend will bitch up a storm, break up with you, destroy your PS3, and tell all her friends about your small penis. If you were just banging sluts without a girlfriend at home, you 'd be smooth sailing.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
No, man, girlfriends are actually pretty cool. For one, they already know what your favorite food is, so you don't have to waste your time telling them. And the less time you spend telling them about your taco preferences, the more time you can spend watching Modern Marvels. Check plus!

But of course, you have to cheat. Just because you have a girlfriend, that doesn't mean you can't go banging random chicks. You just have to be more careful about it. And since men will fuck just about anything (case in point: even fat chicks have kids), having a girlfriend and cheating on her is safer than just being a total manwhore. When you have a girlfriend, the girls you cheat with have to be pretty hot to be worth the potential consequences if you're caught. If you have an awesome girlfriend at home, it's hard to justify getting a blow job from that skank at the Nickelback concert. When an Eliza Dushku lookalike needs a tittyfuck, however, you can't help but say no. So having a girlfriend helps keep your standards higher than if you were completely single.

Girlfriends are great, but unfortunately, they're not perfect. If they were, they would be able to morph into other girls that look completely different and would be eager to do all the things they normally wouldn't. If your girlfriend were perfect, she'd like anal. She'd love the smell of spooge. And she'd love getting it on with any other girl you wanted to bring into bed. But you don't really want to date someone that slutty, do you? You don't wanna walk through Wal-Mart knowing that half the guys there have bruised your girlfriend's uterus. That's why you have a girlfriend who's cool and not slutty, and get your freaky fix off with somebody else. And besides, after you cum, what really matters is that you got off, not how freaky the sex was. So cheat and get your freaky fix now and then to get your mind off it, and live your life knowing that you're not being seen in public with a girl who everyone else in town has fucked.

And even when you're banging around with someone when you're not in a relationship, inevitably it will come up. You'll just get done throwing away the toilet paper you wiped your spooge off her neck with, and she'll say something along the lines of "where are we going with this?" A girlfriend can't ask that question or bring it up because she's already got the relationship. The chick you're banging around with will start to expect more and more, but if you get yourself a quality girlfriend, she'll be so happy that she's with you that she won't be bitching about stupid stuff like that. And if you have a girlfriend who bitches incessantly about nonsense, maybe it's time you get yourself another girlfriend.

Another boon about having a girlfriend is that her parents will cook you all kinds of food. Every time you go visit her parents (which shouldn't be very often, mind you), they'll be so happy that she's with such an amazing person that they'll cook you huge delicious dinners so that you stay with their daughter. That skank from the bar won't have her parents cook you dick.

Fisty's Retort:
A girl knowing what your favorite food is isn't a good enough reason to keep her around. You know what I do when I want my favorite food? I go to Taco Bell or order a pizza. Those are my favorite foods. You can easily avoid a girl pissing and moaning about you nailing her hot friend if you get delivery. You know what's great? You can watch Ax Men, order delivery, and be eating your favorite food and enjoying yourself.

Nowadays, a lot of girlfriends don't even cook anymore. This is completely unacceptable. Girls are on this feminism kick and think that men should cook for them, which is incredibly wrong and these women should be beaten for being so moronic. Fuck you! I'm not cooking for you! If I'm going to cook, I'm going to grill myself up some kick ass hamburgers. If you get a girlfriend, a lot of good it will do telling her your favorite food, because she'll make you cook her favorite, low-carb food, which more than likely tastes like (or even worse, is) tofu. I'm a man and have no idea what tofu tastes like, so I assume that it tastes like an old man's scrotum, which is a flavor that I can't even begin to imagine.

If you have a girlfriend, you'll spend all day having to take notes after everything she says. If you forget one special date (such as her cat's birthday, your anniversary, her birthday, the first time you guys watched an Adam Sandler movie together), then prepare to not sleep for at least a month.

I hate meeting a girl's parents! There is nothing worse. You have to act nice to them while they are judging you up and down. Those assholes. You have to try to force small talk with someone you could care less about. The worst part is that they can hate you, and you have to love them. It's a lose-lose situation. If you pretend to like them, they still hate you and can be assholes to you, while all you can do is suck it up and play nice. However, if you hate them back, you won't be getting laid for a month or two. Fuck that! Her parents may cook awesome food every time you go over there, but it's not worth it at all. You're better off staying home, playing video games and mircowaving some pizza rolls.

All girls are bipolar. This is a conclusion that I've come up with on my own, though I'm sure every guy agrees with me. They can be incredibly happy one minute, and once you say one thing that they might be able to take the wrong way, they'll throw a fit, then they'll cry and cry and you'll have to hear it while you're trying to watch Family Guy. Don't ever answer any question your girlfriend asks you, because every question is a loaded one and there is no right way to answer it. For example:

Girl: "So which one of my friends do you think is hot? Hehehehe!"
You: "Jessica's cute, I guess."
Girl: "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO FUCK JESSICA THEN, SINCE SHE'S SO MUCH HOTTER! IT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS BIGGER BOOBS, ISN'T IT?! YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS! I'M STAYING AT MY SISTER'S PLACE TONIGHT! ROT IN HELL, YOU ASSHOLE!"
You: "What...???"

Is it really worth putting up with all of that? The answer is no. Even if she's amazing in bed, the answer is still no. There is no pussy that is worth that much of a headache. What you need is guy friends who you can hang out with, and then various sluts who you can bang. You can't be friends with girls - it's impossible and you should avoid it at all costs. When you bang a slut and she's upset about something stupid, who cares? You'll be miles away and she won't be able to call you because you purposely gave her the wrong number. And with all the money you'll be saving from not buying aspirin for the headache that a girlfriend would give you, you can buy beer and have a grand old time with your buddies.

Cocoa's Retort:
I'm not saying to have to date some annoying skank. I know it's hard to believe, but there are actually some quality women out in the world. The only problem is we usually chase them away. So, get yourself a quality girlfriend. Not some Abercrombie model who just sits around watching VH1 shows and bitching about her weight, but one who's actually cool.

I like to have to work for my sex, because I'm the kind of guy who likes a good challenge. Sluts are just like shooting fish in a barrel - there's not that much fun in it at all. When I go out on the town, I like to think of it as me being on the hunt. A sexy hunt for vagina. If I wanted to just have pussy, I'd go to a strip club and tell a stripper that I'll pay for her child's diabetes supplies, and I'll be boning her within the hour. It's just too easy. So easy, in fact, that all the fun of sex is sucked out of it. I may not get laid as often if I'm going for girls that I actually have to work on, but it's quality versus quantity.

Plus, when you have a girlfriend, you don't have to wear condoms. I hate wearing condoms, but I also hate the possibility of getting an STD that will ruin the rest of my sex life. So when I'm banging a slut who has had so many dicks inside her you'd think she was running a cock washing business between her legs, you're damn right I'm gonna put a dick bag on. When I'm with a girlfriend, I'll be damned if I wear a condom. She'll be on the pill or she's gone. I don't have to worry too much about what diseases she's got.

Sluts may have a lot of experience in the sack, but they have sex so much that they have a lot of good sex to compare it to. If you're dating a girl, she's going to be at least 3-5 years younger than you (preferably in high school still) so she won't have a lot of past sexual experiences to judge you against. A slut, though, will know how good it's possible for sex to be, and how long you should last. She'll be demanding and very judgmental, and there's nothing worse than a girl bitching about how other guys are better than you.

Fun Reading:
Get an imaginary girlfriend!
Tips for one-night stands
Suicide statistics
Relationship advice for men

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Natural Disasters

Introduction:
Every few years the world is shaken by a natural disaster. When natural disasters like the 2004 tsunami, Katrina, or the earthquake in Haiti hit us, it brings people together. Grief stricken people whine, hold hands, give donations and are completely overcome by emotion and the need to help or pretend to help. This may all seem fun and dandy, but is it worth it? Is the awesome event of a bunch of poor-ass people dying worth putting up with everyone becoming giant talking pussies? Fisty and Cocoa believe they have the answer!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
Natural disasters are a terrible, terrible thing and they piss me off for one simple reason: I'm an asshole. When people die I think it's funny, because...well, it is funny. I often find myself reading the obituaries and laughing my ass off and no one gives me shit for it. When tons of people die it's even better, but when a natural disaster comes around, it suddenly becomes cool to pretend to care about people and it's no longer acceptable for me to laugh. These "grief" stricken people ruin a good time for me. Very much like someone crying during a porno, it just sinks my boner into the ground. I can't very well laugh when every time I crack a smile someone freaks out on me for being so insensitive and unsympathetic. Well, fuck you, it's funny and I'm not going to feel bad about those people just because it's the new thing. I can laugh my ass off at AIDS (which kills far more people than any earthquake or hurricane) and no one cares, but there's just something about natural disasters that I can't laugh at. What makes them so cool? I just don't get it. Fuck them.

I can't turn on the TV without being reminded of whatever natural disaster is currently popular. There are just too many telethons and benefit shows while I'm trying to watch my cartoons. Do telethons really do anything? Do the telethons make the weather stop being such an asshole so there won't be anymore hurricanes? Do they stop the tectonic plates from moving on Earth's mantle so there won't be anymore earthquakes? Other than piss me off, the telethons accomplish jack-shit. They're just another way for celebrities to stroke their egos and fame by appearing as if they actually care. Like them, I don't care, but unlike them, I don't lie about it. I'm honest and I could care less. Stop showing those benefit telethons on every channel and let me get back to watching Sponge Bob and eating my cereal.

I hate celebrities. If a celebrity endorses something, then I automatically hate that product, store, or whatever it may be. Just like how Rent-a-Center has Magic Johnson endorsing them. Really? He has HIV. Why would I buy anything from a dude with HIV? That's stupid. And celebrities won't shut up about natural disasters either. Every other commercial usually has some fake-crying douchey celebrity talking about the disaster, like I'm really going to listen to a person who has a sex tape, reality show and millions of dollars more than me talking about how I should give my money away. They really expect me to give my hard-earned money to help some jackass living on a floating piece of plywood in some obscure third-world country? Give me a break, like I have the money to give them and my donation will make their country suck less? "It's the time to give." No, Christmas is the time to give, fuck face. That's sooo last month.

This shit is getting out of control and it doesn't end with celebrities. Not only has the Haiti shit taken over my TV, but it's also taken over my porn! I can't even spank it without being told how I should donate to help out Haiti. How ridiculous is that? I went on one of my favorite porn sites to crank one out before bed and it said on its main page: "The International Red Cross is taking donations to help the victims in the Haiti earthquake. Click Here to donate!" Really? You're asking a dude with his junk in his hand to help out the people of Haiti? You know things are out of hand when porn steps in and tries to do something about it.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Dude, natural disasters are sweet. Hands down, awesome. I'm completely athiest, but when natural disasters hit, there's a little part of me that really believes there actually is a god. The worst disasters always happen in the worst countries. The tsunami? That was Indonesia, Ski Lanka, and India. Fuck them all. The earthquake that just happened? That was Haiti. Fuck Haitians. They're the poorest people in the western hemisphere. Why? Because they suck.

Usually when natural disasters strike, they strike foreigners, and when they hit America, they affect the black people most. Good. Now nature is taking care of the foreigners and I don't have to. Sure, a human life is a precious thing and when anyone dies, there's going to be at least one person who's saddened by it. But look at the people in India - tens of thousands of them died, but what have we really lost? Some deeply impoverished people who can't even provide food for their own children? Good. Now there's a few less worthless people to worry about. You can say I'm inconsiderate, and I may agree, but really look at it. You may think Indonesia and those countries are great places - but you've never been there. I, on the other hand, have never been to these countries, but I think that they're shitty places, largely because I haven't been there. If a giant tornado tore through Gary, Indiana, would you care? Fuck no. You pass through that place on your way to Chicago, so you know it's a shithole, and you want some disaster to come to the rescue and demolish that eyesore.

You don't like natural disasters because celebrities cry about them on TV? Big fucking deal. Natural disasters are by far awesome enough to make it worthwhile to deal with any famous person using them to help his public persona. Angelina Jolie's always out adopting some African baby every few months, but that's not the reason I hate children. Clooney's bragging about his Prius, but I still drive a fuel-efficient car. That's like seeing a Jessica Alba ad speaking out against sexual abuse, and deciding that sex is stupid.

I love natural disasters because it gives me a contemporary excuse to laugh at how stupid and hypocritical people are. I live across the road from a soup kitchen and a few days a week, I'll see a long line of people wrapped around the building in the eight-degree weather, holding their kids close in the cloud of breath steam. Sure, I don't donate any money to these places, but at the same time, I also don't donate money to the Red Cross for helping Haitians and call myself a hero. And unless there's a recent disaster, 99% of people don't give a fuck about helping others. I love hypocritical people and watching them make asses out of themselves. Natural disasters bring these people to the limelight and it makes me very very happy.

Fisty's Retort:
I don't care about what happens in other countries and I hate people who pretend that they do. On Facebook, for instance, peoples' statuses are annoying as all hell: "Pray for the victims", "God is with the victims", "We're sending our love and prayers to Haiti" and the groups like "Support Haiti" - fuck off. You don't care, so stop trying to make it seem like you do. Most people had never even heard about Haiti before, and now they love it and care about the people in it. I bet that no one even knows anything about Haiti, other than the fact that there was an earthquake there. I highly doubt that all these people who "support" Haiti could even find it on a map. I have no doubt in my mind that the people in Haiti are happy that the earthquake hit. If I lived there, I'd want something to wipe it off the map and smother me in hundreds of tons of rubble. Unfortunately, they had this disaster to put them out of their misery. I was perfectly happy with Haiti being a shitty obscure country that people only knew as that country not to get off the cruise ship at if they docked there. But now that's all gone.

And natural disasters may take out black people, which is cool, but AIDS does an even better job at wiping them out. Not only does it take out more people, but it also makes their deaths more funny and more drawn-out. Have you ever seen a picture of someone with AIDS on their death bed...or pile of hay...and goats? Pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself. In an earthquake or flood, you just see a hand sticking out from under rubble, or floating by in coolers. Where's the fun in that?

Cocoa's Retort:
AIDS takes way too long to kill people. It takes years for someone to die from AIDS, while an earthquake only takes minutes. I have a short attention span, so I really don't have the time or the patience to wait for people to have sex, contract HIV, get AIDS and die from pneumonia several years later. That's too damn long. This is why I pick up transient hookers versus getting an actual girlfriend. Girlfriends, even sluts, take too long to bone. I have to take them out on dates, spend vast amounts of money, lie to them - too much work and time. Unless a girl's a complete stranger to all sorts of sexual activity and presents some sort of challenge to me, I'd rather just give a hooker fifteen bucks and have her give me a hand job in the back of my Beetle. Natural disasters do the job and are fast - just the way I like 'em.

I'm never going to give money to third world countries, for one simple reason: it won't do any good. Sure, you may think it's sad to see people living in those conditions, and although I might not agree with you, I understand why you would feel bad for those people. But is texting the Red Cross ten dollars really going to fix Haiti? Sure, they can get some rice and Tide can go down there and wash their clothes, but once the international aid frenzy is over, what's left? It will still be a nation full of peasants with a bleak outlook for the future. In most third world countries, not just the ones that are affected by natural disasters, all the people with kids in those countries are horribly irresponsible parents. They can't even find water for themselves, so why the fuck would they have children? Is having a child going to bring more water to the region? Fuck no. If you're horribly impoverished and you have a child, then you deserve terrible things to happen to you for making the problem worse. Luckily, we have natural disasters to deal with these people.

Fun Reading:
Plan a trip to Haiti!
The deadliest tsunami in history
"Hurricane Katrina - Who is to blame?" Certainly not the weather

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Old Chicks vs. Young Chicks

Introduction:
The desperate, undersexed housewife has been gaining a lot of popularity lately. From movies like American Pie, which has some Jewish virgin nailing his friend's mom, to shows like Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City, which are both about a bunch of middle-aged sluts being slutty. The shows are pretty gay, but who wouldn't nail Teri Hatcher? But is all this hype around "experienced" chicks called for? Or are they past their prime and should be leaving the sexing up to their daughters instead? Old chicks versus young chicks? Fisty and Cocoa debate it out!

Fisty Fillmore's Take:
I'm going to have to go with milfs on this one. Young chicks just want one thing: a relationship. You can easily bone young chicks, but you are going to have to lie your ass off to get them to put out. You'll have to tell them things like how you aren't using them, you might want a relationship, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have herpes, so on and so forth. So basically you have to lie your ass off. It gets kind of annoying having to go through all that just to poke a chick. When I sleep with a young girl, I always get the same responses: "You just seem too good to be true", "I just hope you aren't using me for sex", and "I'm kind of itchy for some reason now." I have to reassure them that I'm not using them, and that the itch they feel is an allergic reaction to the latex in the condoms and not a souvenir from Cabo.

A young girl also has the potential to be a little crazy. You fuck her, then she thinks that she loves you and wants to bear your children. She will be at your place every morning, leaving flowers and dead kittens at your door step, and break into your house with attempts to cook you breakfast with bacon she cut from her own thigh. Despite how sexy that may sound, it gets a little creepy after a while. Girls at that age can't distinguish love from lust. It's true, however, that older women can't distinguish the two either; they just don't care anymore because they're dead inside.

Getting with milfs, cougars, desperate housewives, old married whores - whatever you call them - is like shooting fish in a barrel. Why? They are already married, so they aren't looking for another relationship. They are in loveless, boring relationships. Their husbands work too much and can't get boners anymore, except for when they're fooling around with their secretaries or stepdaughters. A milf just wants quick sex from a dude who can get a hard-on on command, and then she'll forget about him. Isn't that what guys want - to bang a girl and never see her again? Hell yeah!

Older chicks usually know a lot of swift-ass sex moves. They have a lot of pent-up sexual energy that they have to get out. Older chicks will have you in every position you can imagine. Even if you bang her in a car, she'll have your ass up against the steering wheel, ceiling, and then somehow in the trunk. It may seem a little far-fetched, but you have to remember that the last time that married woman down the road from you got nailed was when her 16-year-old was conceived. She's been dreaming about having some dude plow her for the past decade and a half, and she wants to act out all these fantasies. What does this mean for you? Your dick will be wanting to punch you in the face the next morning. You know after a heavy night of drinking when your liver yells at you the next morning and called you an "asshole"? Yeah, your dick will be doing the exact same thing after this.

The only thing that you really have to worry is about is their husbands finding out. This has the potential to be a huge problem, but if you have a little common sense, this shouldn't be an issue. If a husband ever does find out that you plowed his wife, just point out to him that you had no idea that the woman was married and that if he could actually get a hard-on more than once a year, she wouldn't be looking for some more youthful wood. But more than likely, she'll keep her mouth shut because her husband beats her, and you'll keep your mouth shut because she's almost fifty and you don't want your friends to make fun of you. At least you got your rocks off commitment-free, right? Indeed.

Glen Cocoa's Take:
Nope, go for the young ones. The advantages are endless and incomparable. First off, old chicks are...well, old. And old people have wrinkly skin, saggy body parts, and thinner hair. They stopped trying to impress men when they got married 20 years ago, and have since let their bodies go. On the other hand, young chicks are very fit. They're still young and stupid enough to think you have to be perfectly toned and smooth in order to pick up men. Their boobs are still firm and hair-free, and you can yank their young, strong, vitamin-infused hair as hard as you want without it coming out in your hand.

Men may start with an old beater car that they can get for cheap in high school, then work their way up through the system, manipulate their peers, and take advantage of unlucky people to constantly trade up for a newer, better model; but with women, it works the other way. Once you get your virginity and first few skanks out of the way, you need to start at the top. You need to get the hot chick. You need to get that cheerleader with perfectly shaped C-cup boobs, amazingly toned and smooth legs, and beautiful round face. You must take her and rail the shit out of her. Destroy something pure, beautiful, and innocent while you still can. You're young and in the best shape you'll ever be in for the rest of your life. And you can still hit on that chick and bang her without looking creepy/being arrested/becoming legally obligated to tell your neighbors you moved into the neighborhood. Always bang the youngest, hottest girl you can while you still have the chance. As you get older, the women get older, too, and, even worse, they get smarter.

A young girl is dumb enough to do anything you tell her to. When you're having trouble getting off and stick that finger in her ass while you're railing her so that you get that little extra pressure where it counts on your dick, you can tell her it's perfectly normal to do that during sex. She's young and stupid and will believe you. Do that to an older chick, and she'll slap you. Or start to freak out like she's having Vietnam-style flashbacks of her ex-husbands. You can tell a young girl that it's very common for guys your age to need the girl to ride you cowgirl-style while bucking her head back and forth for it to truly be sex, and she'll be stupid enough to believe you. And even with young girls who think they'll actually be able to put sex off till marriage, you can still tell them that anal virginity isn't biblical virginity. Would an older woman believe lies like that? Hell no.

Older women have been lied to and tossed around like the dirty old bags of shit they are for years. They can spot bullshit a mile away. And, just like how you take advantage of younger girls, older women can take advantage of a younger guy such as yourself. That old broad's been humped in enough rooms that she knows where you stash all your money and salvia. She's smart enough to look for the nearest exit so she can steal your laptop and crystal Disney character collection as soon as you go to the bathroom. And, on the humiliating side of things, she knows how long guys are supposed to last, and how long every other guy is able to last. You can't please her. She's been neglected and abused so long it's all about her getting her rocks off. She could give a shit less about you. She knows how you'll tense up when you're about to cum, and she has the moves to dodge a rogue money shot.

Sure, older women may have loads of experience under their belts, but they also have a sense of cunning and hatred towards men that a young buck such as yourself isn't yet prepared to deal with.

Fisty's Retort:
Sex with young girls just sucks! They have no experience and they constantly whine about how every move hurts them. This gets old very fast. I'm a guy who likes to move around a lot and do as little talking as possible. I can't concentrate on breaking her hymen when she won't shut up about how fat she thinks she is and how she won't fuck with the lights on. In between her bouts of self-loathing, she'll just keep talking about the latest episode of The Hills, Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, A Shot at Love, A Money Shot at Love, Fisting of Love and various other shows involving people who shouldn't be allowed to breathe trying to find love. I'll be punching her in the face and walking home before I even have a chance to give her a hot carl.

Before I even have a chance to bang a young girl, I'll have to tote her ass around because she doesn't have a car, pay for dinner (Burger King value menu) because she doesn't have a job, and find a place to bone her because she doesn't have her own place. With that being said, I have to either bang her at my place, her parents' house, or in my car in a dimly lit parking lot. All are very risky places. If I bang her at my place, she'll know where I live. This could end very badly. If she finds out that I just used her (which I did), she'll be clawing at my window at three o'clock in the morning watching me as I masturbate to pictures of Bea Arthur. If I stick it to her at her parents' house, I'll have to talk to her parents, make up a lie and say that I'm in the 10th grade. Her mom is bound to come bursting through the door, cock-blocking me, telling me how I have to go home and that her daughter has to get rest because she starts 7th grade in the morning and such. With a parking lot I run the risk of being stopped by a cop and getting busted for indecent exposure for sex that isn't worth the risk!

Young girls are morons, they aren't on the pill and if they are on it, they don't know how to take birth control correctly or faithfully. Young girls will forget to take the pill for a week, mix it with antibiotics, snort it, get it confused with Smarties and try to take candy instead of their birth control. Long story short, I'll be paying for an abortion that I don't have the money for, or more believably, I'll be wanted for assault for tossing her down the stairs or punching her in the stomach. These are all very likely scenarios that young girls will not know how to deal with. As a result, you'll not only have to wear a condom, but you'll have to pull out as well. You've got to double-do it, because young girls are too fucking stupid to do anything right.

Cocoa's Retort:
For men, sex is all about the conquest. Although animal hunting is gay, all men hunt - not always for the food, but for the sport, for the challenge. We get promotions at work, and even though we start to hate our lives because of the overload of work, we like it because we have conquered our job. We drive bigger and faster cars than our friends. As soon as you talk that chick into shitting on you, you dump her because you know that's as far as you'll ever get with her. Luckily, with young girls, you have plenty of things to conquer. Hell, if you get a girl who's young enough, you may even find one who's never been eaten out. And that's great...you don't want to be mowing down on a girl, wondering about how many dicks and babies have been going in and out of there. And when you get with a girl who has very little experience, you have plenty of things to conquer. Oral, then sex, than anal, then threesomes, then rim jobs, then scat. It'll take months for you to get sick of her. And although I don't advocate being in a long-term relationship with a girl so young and inexperienced, the more time you spend on one girl, the less time you waste getting rejected by other girls.

On the other hand, when you're shoving your penis into an older chick, there's nothing to conquer. She's been used by every scuzzy dude in town. Older women who just want to get laid don't care who they fuck. Who knows how many mornings she's had to wake up and wash the Tilt-a-Whirl grease off her ass after a night with the local carney? Young girls, however, like to think they're waiting for the right guy, so they've been thrown around a hell of a lot less and are in much more pristine condition. Although the older women may know a lot more moves and be a little more stretched out, sex with them is boring because you know there's nothing left to conquer. And I'd much rather jerk off and get on with my day than waste my time trying to find an old skank to rock on top of.

Fun Reading:
A website about "scandalous" housewives
Helpful tips on how not to get raped
How to pick up a cougar
A very helpful question about young chicks